


Fall Away (Stuck At Thirteen)

by dunshiine



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - College/University, Anal Sex, Angst, Childhood Friends, Childhood Sexual Abuse, Childhood Trauma, College, Depression, Dirty Talk, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Flashbacks, Friends to Lovers, Love, M/M, Masturbation, Mental Health Issues, Molestation, Past Abuse, Past Child Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con, Past Sexual Abuse, Pining, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Pre-Regional At Best, Rape Recovery, School, Self-Harm, Slow Burn, Smut, Things are just...slightly different
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-28
Updated: 2020-06-22
Packaged: 2020-10-01 22:13:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 50,131
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20421917
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dunshiine/pseuds/dunshiine
Summary: Tyler had been fine, he had worked so hard to be fine. It had taken years. College was going to ruin it, it was going to take away every little bit of fineness he had worked so hard for. Josh had watch Tyler rebuild his mental health when he was only thirteen years old and now he had to watch it be broken down and he didn't know how long he could take it.OrTyler was sexually abused as a child now six years later he's starting college and the stress is bringing back memories, anxiety and his depression. Being away from home, away from his family and away from Josh doesn't help. So as things continue to fall apart, Tyler's mental health degrades. Set before Regional At Best but as if Tyler went to college and had known Josh throughout childhood. A canon divergence if you will.





	1. September

**Author's Note:**

> Writing Tyler struggling in college is really easy for me, I did a lot of that when I was in school. My current plan is to update at the end of each month but we'll see. I'll update tags as I go :)  
I hope you enjoy!

Tyler was fighting a battle inside himself. It was a stupid, non-consequential battle but he was fighting it anyway. On one side was his desire to make friends and not hate college, on the other was his fear and anxiety telling him to stay in his room with the door shut tight. His roommate, Preston, was already down the hall chatting with some girls and Tyler couldn’t force himself to get up and join him. He frowned at the door, the side of Tyler that wanted to make friends was losing. The shut door was helping his anxiety win, even as he willed himself to get up and walk through it. 

It had been a full week since he moved in and still the only people he talked to were the guys on the basketball team. Preston was one of those guys. Apparently it was common for them to place student athletes with other student athletes in a dorm room. Why couldn’t he have been placed with Nick? Tyler would have been a million times more comfortable with the familiar face from highschool.  _ Go out there, go talk to people! It would be so easy to just…go to that door, open it and find someone to chat with. Everyone is doing it.  _ But it wasn’t easy, Tyler stayed stuck tight on his bed, staring at the door, as if it might open on its own and it’d suddenly be easier to walk through it. Tyler was sick of fighting with himself so it was a relief when his phone buzzed in his hand,

**Jish: Hey man, let me know when I can come visit you. It sucks here without you.**

Tyler grinned, and immediately started to text his best friend back, this was one way of socializing that Tyler could do and one person who socializing with wasn’t difficult. 

**Tyler: Soon. Please. College is fucking weird.**

His chest ached at the thought of Josh, back home, only about twenty minutes away but it felt like forever, especially when Tyler couldn’t have a car on campus. They had spent almost all of their teenage years together. Spending every day at school together, weekends listening to music, going to shows, Josh came to all of Tyler’s basketball games but now…now it would be days, maybe weeks until they saw each other again and Tyler felt like he couldn’t handle it. While Tyler had accepted a partial basketball scholarship to Ohio State University Columbus, Josh accepted a position working at their local record shop The Electric Fetus. He was making money doing something that at least semi interested him while Tyler was throwing away money to be somewhere he wasn’t sure he belonged. He told himself time and time again it was a poor attitude to have. He should be excited to be there, playing basketball, going to school, meeting new people but ever since he got there he felt…wrong. It felt wrong to be away from Josh, it felt wrong to be sitting in a class, to be surrounded by people who wanted that college experience. It just felt completely wrong. 

So he fought this battle with himself, wanting to make himself enjoy what was supposed to be the most exciting time in his life against the anxiety that was mounting. He was supposed to be stretching himself, trying new things and putting on being an adult but he the tightness in his chest, like a crackling ball of black anxiety was somehow getting worse while he was here. It wasn’t being exercised out of him, it wasn’t the everyday thrumming ebb and flow of it. It seemed to be growing exponentially, reminding him of all the things that had destroyed him in high school, in junior high. For a long time the crackling ball of black energetic anxiety was eased. Therapy helped. Recognizing it, naming it and coping with it had gradually tamed it into something he could work with. But college had made the edges jagged and sharp again, it began to grow in his chest, making breathing hard in an all too familiar way. It sent him straight back to being twelve and thirteen. The hot shame. The fear and the blood racing in his veins. Involuntary reactions. Sweat on his forehead. Pants around his ankles. Tears burning his eyes. College exacerbated these thoughts and now he was in bed, trying not to flash back to unpleasant memories. The door he was staring at but not seeing slammed open,

“Dude, you have to come out, Sarah McNeilson got her sister to buy some beer.” It was Preston standing in the doorway, grinning at him. Tyler had to hand it to Preston, at least he attempted to get him out of the room, he was actively trying to include Tyler and that had to be because he thought Tyler was worth including. That was something. It wasn’t that that dragged him out of his bed though,

**Jish: “You’re weird too though ;) try to have fun for me, okay?”**

_ Try to have fun…for me.  _ Tyler’s heart pounded oddly hard for a moment as he imagined Josh texting that. Try to have fun for me.  _ Okay, Josh. I’ll try. For you. _ Tyler internally rolled his eyes at himself, he was a sucker for pleasing his best friend. 

“I guess beer gets you out of bed, huh?” Person asked as Tyler climbed down from his lofted bed.

“I’ve never drank beer before.” Tyler said honestly.

“You weren’t a partier in highschool? Weren’t you like the best player on the basketball team though? That’s what Nick was saying.” Preston asked, raising an eyebrow and stopping for a moment to fix his hair in front of the mirror on the wall by the door. Tyler followed Preston out of the dorm room and shrugged,

“I went to a really Christian highschool, not many of us drank.” He admitted as they went down to apparently drink beer with some girls he had never met, it sounded wholly unappealing to Tyler and he wondered if his unhappiness was written all over his face. It might not have been, but it was clear that he didn’t want to be there when he was on his phone the whole time, texting Josh, and when he was vaguely rude to the girl that Preston was obviously trying to hook up with. It didn’t take much for Tyler to find his way back to their room and slink into bed again. 

*

**Nick: You don’t have to stay long. Just come and hang out, have a drink, actually spend time with the team!**

**Tyler: I have homework.**

**Nick: Everyone has homework and funnily enough, everyone will be at this party. **

**Tyler: Ugh. I hate parties.**

**Nick: You’ve never been to one, loser! I’ll be there in ten. **

Those were the texts that had led to Tyler making the mistake of shouting down the anxiety in chest and getting dressed and going to the party. It was at a frat house a bunch of Sophomores on the team lived at. A bunch of the Freshmen basketball players were thinking of rushing it as well, including Nick. The whole experience sounded nauseating and expensive to Tyler so he steered clear of frat houses or conversations about fraternities or anything remotely similar. But here he was now, there was loud  _ bad  _ music playing, booze aplenty, and the sounds of high pitched laughter. Tyler was sitting on the couch in the middle of a dark, probably repulsively dirty living room. A speaker was blaring right into his ear and he was holding a red solo cup, still completely full of whatever ridiculously alcoholic drink Nick had pressed into his hand. He was staring down into the depths of it, as if contemplating drowning himself in the burning liquid instead of drinking it. A body plopped down hard next to him, Tyler looked around, relieved to see that it was Nick,

“Tyler Joseph! I promise you’ll have a good time if you just try.” Nick told him. One side of Tyler’s mouth lifted into weak smile, he nodded. 

“I know, you’re right.” He said.  _ But I can’t figure out how to have a good time anymore _ . He lifted the cup to his lips and sipped the sticky, sickly sweet, burning liquid. 

“‘Atta boy!” Nick said, patting his shoulder. Tyler’s lips twitched towards a real smile now. 

“Don’t say that, it’s creepy.” Tyler said. 

“Creepier than the way The Praying Mantis slaps everyone’s ass after practice?” Nick teased, Tyler really did laugh now. The Praying Mantis was the horribly mean nickname he and Nick had given to the super tall Sophomore point guard on their team. He was so tall he had to duck to get into doors sometimes, and he was entirely arms, legs and…fingers. Tyler shuddered at the thought and Nick grinned. 

“It’s not so much the slap, it’s the little way he cups it with those long fingers,” Tyler said, making a cupping motion as if he was grabbing a butt. Nick nodded solemnly,

“It’s pretty violating.” Nick agreed. They were silent for a moment and then they both shuddered again and took long swigs of their drinks.

“See! It’s fun.” Nick said. Tyler nodded. Honestly, he was happy Nick had made him come out tonight, if he hadn’t then he’d be sitting alone in an empty dorm, wallowing and wishing he could see Josh. The thought of Josh made him feel sad and guilty. Sad because he didn’t know when he was going to be able to see his best friend again and guilty because he found himself wishing Nick was Josh. Was that mean? Probably, but only if Nick ever found out.

“Yeah, you’re right. It’s okay,” He nodded, looking around the room. The music was loud, but was it as bad as Tyler had originally thought? The drink was gross but it was a little fun to be able to drink whatever he wanted. All it had taken was a tiny conversation with Nick to feel a little better about being here. He’d still rather be almost anywhere else, but maybe coming hadn’t been such a huge mistake. Maybe it was better than being locked in his dorm room, curled up under blankets and trying to ignore the creeping feelings of loneliness. 

“I’ll be right back, I’m going to make another drink,” Nick stood up, leaving Tyler still on the couch. He sipped his drink, trying to get more of it down. Alcohol just wasn’t for him, he didn’t like the taste of it and being drunk probably wasn’t a good idea for him. He remembered his therapist warning him about that when he first started going to parties in highschool, or when he played shows at little clubs when he got older.  _ “I can’t make you stay away from drinking and I’ll understand if you choose to drink but for someone like you, with the tendencies that you have, I don’t think it’d be a good idea to make it a habit.” _ They had probably dived deeper into that comment but Tyler didn’t remember his response. It had probably been something snotty or sarcastic, he had always been not great about running his mouth even to people he respected like Dr. Thomas. Tyler was looking into the cup at the weirdly red alcoholic drink and lost in memories of therapy when someone fell onto the seat next to him. He looked up, expecting to see Nick back from getting a drink, but it was a girl. He had seen her before but he couldn’t quite place where, maybe they had classes together? He couldn’t place her name though. 

“Tyler, right!?” She asked happily, immediately sticking her hand out towards him. Tyler took her hand but he couldn’t help the look of confusion that played over his face. She must have picked up on it because she smiled nervously. “I live in your dorm, just the hall over from you and Preston.” She said, nodding. “I’m Casie.” She prompted as if that might jog his memory. Tyler thought back to the girls he had met the other night, she wasn’t one of them, but obviously they had run into each other a few times before. 

“Oh yeah,” he lied...

“It’s nice to see you out and about! I just assumed you didn’t party, you know, cause I haven’t seen you at any.” She said, her voice was light and teasing, but it irritated Tyler. So what if he never went to parties? That didn’t mean he never got out. Right before college, he had played shows with Nick and Chris at clubs with tons of people, he was out and about till late playing music. If these people knew that, they wouldn’t question if he was some hermit or not.  _ But you kind of have been behaving like a hermit at school, Tyler, _ the little voice inside of his head chirped and he reminded it to shut up as he smiled at the girl,

“I guess I’ve felt busy with homework and basketball.” He said.

“Oh right! You’re on the basketball team!” Casie said, she turned her body on the couch so she was facing him. She kept smiling at him, it kind of threw him off. 

“Yeah,” Tyler said. It wasn’t like she wasn’t…pretty. She was. Chin length brown hair, twinkly brown eyes, and kind of wide mouth with big teeth and a big smile. The way she was talking to him sent an electric shock in his brain that triggered heart palpitations, but not in a good way. The sweet way she spoke to him lit the jagged, black ball of anxiety in his chest on fire and poked at it, stirring it and causing those jagged corners to impale him from the inside out. 

“Are you having fun? I’ve barely found anyone decent to talk to!” She leaned into him as she talked, Tyler could smell alcohol on her. It was another strange sting that reminded him of  _ Her _ . She hadn’t smelled like booze, but it was close enough. She had smelled like perfume and red wine. A smell that became intrinsically connected to memories of afternoons at her apartment. Her beautiful, big apartment with so many video games and a swimming pool. Tyler blinked and tried to reconnect to the current moment, with the pretty college student. 

“Yeah, it’s fine.” He looked around, “I guess I’m not a big drinker so I don’t think this is the best kind of party.” He said. 

“You don’t drink!?” She asked, misinterpreting his words and sounding completely shocked that someone in college might not completely love drinking.

“I mean, I drink a little,” he said, lifting his cup. “I just…don’t get plastered.” He said, looking up at the group at large. Right on cue, a large dude standing beside the couch said loudly to a friend, 

“Dude, how much would you give me if I swallowed all those fish!” pointing at a huge fishtank nearby,

“All of them!?” His friend exclaimed. Tyler looked back at Casie, their eyes met for a moment and they both had to stifle laughter.

“So what’s your major?” She asked, finally recovering from giggles. Tyler fucking hated that question. He had no idea and that never seemed good enough. The tension that had cut by the fish conversation was starting to grow again. 

“I don’t know yet,” Tyler admitted, not having the energy to teeter around it. 

“Oh! Well…I mean that’s okay! You’ll figure it out quickly.” She said. She had moved closer to him on the couch, their legs were brushing up against each other’s now.

“What’s yours?” Tyler asked automatically, it was like an immediate response after a week of being at school. It was what everyone expected to be asked and you always had to go through the dance. It was so strange and Tyler wanted to strangle himself every time he had to say it. 

“Education! I wanna be like…maybe a middle school teacher.” She said and with those words the tension grew stronger, curled in his chest, ready to break, ready to fling him into a twelve-year-old’s body again. He just nodded. 

“So you’re on the basketball team? That’s so cool! I mean, we have a pretty good team, so you must be great!” She said excitedly, leaning in towards him, getting too close.

“Do you like basketball?” he asked, trying to keep the conversation moving in a logical direction. She didn’t seem like the type but she seemed like she might be into anything he was into at this point. 

“I…well, I haven’t seen much but it sounds like it would be fun to watch.” She admitted. Her eyes met his and she shot him this silly little smile. Was this flirting? “I’d love to watch you play,” Casie’s hand was on his thigh before he knew what was happening, she rubbed her fingers up and down and his throat nearly closed. 

“Oh, I mean I probably won’t play in a real game for a long time.” He said. He wanted her to be disinterested, he wanted her to back up, to not touch him like that. His heart was hammering, his eyes were glazing over, and her hand was creeping up his leg. He was thirteen in basketball shorts. No. He was eighteen and he hadn’t worn basketball shorts off the court in years. 

“That’s okay, I have time to learn about basketball then.” She said, she giggled and her hand crawled up his thigh farther, instead of feeling her fingers he was hyper focused on her hands. Her nails weren’t painted but all he could see was another hand, another set of nails that had always been painted his favorite shade of teal. That color made him sick these days. 

“I’m…kinda hot.” Tyler said. Casie leaned in towards him even more. She was too close, she wanted something from him. She wanted a lot from him. She was breathing in his ear and this was wrong, he was just a kid. No. No. God damn it. 

“It is kind of hot, wanna go out and get some fresh air? I mean we could head back to the dorm?” Casie breathed. Tyler couldn’t take it, he shoved her hand off of him and jumped up. 

“I…I have to go.” He had dropped his cup on the floor and he turned away from the couch,

“Tyler?” Casie’s voice floated after him but he couldn’t hear her voice. It wasn’t her voice calling after him. It was someone else’s and he felt like he would panic if he kept hearing  _ Her  _ voice saying his name. Tyler shoved past people who cursed at him and when he was out the door he could barely keep his thoughts straight enough to figure out what direction to go in. He stumbled down the street, one arm folded over his chest, rubbing his opposite bicep. He squeezed his muscle so hard he would leave a bruise but his thoughts weren’t there, they were gone. 

_ “Tyler! You freaked me out, don’t stay under the water that long, Jesus.” Her voice rang out from the side of the pool where she was sitting watching him swim. _

_ “Sorry,” Tyler said, rosy cheeked, smiling and pushing his hair off of his forehead.“I just can hold my breath a long time.” He explained.  _

_ “I can see that. Come here.” She beckoned to him with a slim, perfectly manicured finger and he clambered out of the pool. He was dripping wet and his swim trunks were sticking to his body. He walked over to her and stood in front of her. She glanced around the deserted swimming pool and then looked up at him standing in front of her chair. “You look so cute in those swim trunks.” She reached out and ran her finger along the waistband of his trunks, tugging them out briefly to look into the shorts. Tyler’s face reddened more but his body burned in excitement, _

_ “Let’s go back now.” She said, her voice was delicate and warm and he was a puddle. He nodded and they gathered their stuff to leave. _

His feet had found their way back to the dorms even if Tyler’s mind was stuck somewhere else. He wanted to throw up, he was shaking out of his skin and he couldn’t see anything besides the memories playing in his mind’s eye. Later he wouldn’t understand how he managed to get into his dorm and then unlock their room door. He climbed up the later to his stupid lofted bed and collapsed. He pulled out his phone.

**Tyler: I miss you. Can you come out sometime?**

**Jish: I miss you too! Yea, I’ll come out asap. Something wrong?**

**Tyler: Went to a party. Girl flirted with me. I ran away. You know, typical me things. **

**Jish: At least you remain true to form. **

**Tyler: Am I ever going to be normal?**

**Jish: Probably not but I like you better like this.**

**Tyler: No one else does.**

**Jish: Not true. By the way, I found a space where I can practice drums for free. This guy I work with is letting me use his band’s practice space.**

**Tyler: That’s what I like to hear! Now, I don’t have to replace you before you’ve even played a show with us.**

**Jish: Oh fuck off.**

**Tyler: I’m kidding, at this point I would take you over just about anyone else. You don’t flake.**

**Jish: Chris didn’t flake either, you can’t stay mad forever.**

**Tyler: I’m not mad! I’m appropriately irritated.**

**Jish: You are rarely appropriate**

**Tyler: ;) it’s a natural talent, Jishwa**

**Jish: One of your many**

The conversation was enough to pull Tyler out of his thoughts, it distracted him and it calmed down the sharp anxiety. Josh had that effect on him. Things at school would be 100% different of Josh was there with him, he was convinced of it. Tyler rested his hands on his belly as he looked up at the ceiling, one hand absentmindedly rubbed up and down and he felt his breathing even out. It was nice to have someone like Josh. Someone who understood better than almost anyone, someone who would accept the problem, redirect him and challenge him. He needed the challenge to distract him sometimes. As he lay there, letting himself come into his own body once again, his hand wandered down to his jeans. He was hard, he honestly wasn’t sure when that had happened. He liked to think it had just randomly happened. He couldn’t figure out if it was during or after the memories but the idea of it happening during that made him feel nauseous. Maybe it was left over moments with Casie. Or maybe it was the swelling of appreciation for his best friend on the other end of those texts. His throat tightened at the thoughts of Josh. 

His hand moved back up from cupping the bulge in his jeans and pulled at the button on his pants. When he got it undone the zipper slipped down on its own. He worked hard to keep up the mental block that was keeping the unpleasant memories away. So instead, the only thing he had left to focus on was Josh. The memory of Josh over this summer with the swath of dark brown curls and that dumb way he grinned with his eyes crinkling up. Tyler’s hand pushed into his underwear and found his cock quite a bit harder than he expected. He told himself he’d make quick work of it, considering Preston could potentially come back at anytime. His mind floated between randomly thoughts of being touched, of the simple feeling of pleasing himself, of Josh drumming, of a porn he had watched last week and occasionally a strange memory that floated in but he quickly put that away behind his mental block. It didn’t belong in his fantasies. His hand worked over his length, stroking up and down, squeezing.

Things melted around him. He was jello, weak in bed, unable to unfurl his hand, unable to open his eyes. His heart beat synced with his breath as he quickened his pace. Colors burst behind his eyelids. His belly tautened, his hips involuntarily jerked into his hand. He was tired enough that the thoughts didn’t have to make sense, all they had to do was float in and out and work him towards his release. The texture of his dorm sheets were new and it kept him grounded as eighteen year old Tyler. The bad memories tried to infiltrate less and less as he got closer and closer. He worked through the weakness in his bones to get his pants down enough where he wasn’t restrained anymore. His fingers worked in a fluid motion, up and down, squeeze, up and down. The steady pattern and a burst of the thought of Josh shirtless during the sleepovers they had over the summer was enough to push him into his orgasm. He couldn’t keep up the mental block while he came, his world nearly blacked out which was okay, but as he saw sparks of light behind his eyelids he also heard her voice,

_ “Good boy,” _ It was faint. It almost always happened when he orgasmed now but he had been working on not letting it disgust him, or make him hate himself. Most of the time he could roll over, go to sleep and not consider it but his mind had already been infiltrated today so now as he heard it inside his head, so vivid and clear, he saw teal behind his eyes and they burned with tears. He reached over the box of tissues he kept on his bed and pulled some out, not opening his eyes, not wanting to see how disgusting he was for coming all over his own belly. He wiped it off angrily, balling the tissues up in his hand as he went. His face twisted and he rolled onto his belly, burying his head under his pillow and wishing he hadn’t thought to masturbate. 

*

The beginning of school was always hard, people always struggled. He would get over it. The next week found Tyler still struggling to want to leave his room unless he absolutely had to. His days were always the same, classes, homework, basketball, and trying to find time in-between there to write music or lyrics. He told himself over and over that it was okay, he was just adjusting. It just took him a little extra time. Everyone else seemed to be thriving but the bags under his eyes were getting bigger as he slept less and less. His dreams were bad, his thoughts late at night were worse. Homework could only occupy his mind for so long. 

By Wednesday of the second week of class Tyler felt beaten down and very alone. He kept thinking of Josh and how much he wished he was there. He texted him every day, asking for updates on home. Asking for updates on the record shop. Josh talked about some guy named Travis who worked there and it made Tyler irrationally jealous. So jealous that the first time Josh had mentioned him Tyler stopped texting him back, which he thoroughly regretted and gave up on a couple hours later when he wanted to talk to him about when they could maybe get together with Nick for band practice. Tyler didn’t want to let Twenty One Pilots fall apart just because Chris decided he didn’t want to do it anymore. Tyler clung to thoughts of the band during long class periods, or basketball when everything felt too hard. It gave him something to look forward to, it was what he needed. He found himself daydreaming about it. Daydreaming about being in a studio, recording the things he wrote, working through ideas with his two closest friends. With Josh encouraging him, providing that steady beat, and being generally amazing at what he did. He daydreamt of tours, traveling around Ohio and the surrounding states, stuck in tiny vans with Josh. Falling asleep on his lap, comforted knowing he wasn’t alone, and he was doing something he loved. Someday. Maybe someday. Maybe next summer. It seemed so far away. Sometimes he texted Josh things like:

**Tyler: Just think, maybe next summer we’ll have an album with you on it. We could be playing shows.**

**Jish: I wish it was now**

**Tyler: You have no idea how much I wish that**

The want for that became almost unbearable if he thought about it too long. He was in his statistics class, thinking about all those possibilities when he was broken from his reverie by the shuffling of papers.

“I actually managed to get your homework from last Wednesday graded over the weekend so I have them back for you.” The TA said, walking around the class to pass them out. This was the first piece of homework Tyler would be getting back and he actually felt a little excited about it. It could be just what he needed to boost his confidence, make him actually want to be here. Or at least, show him that it was worth it. That educating himself was worth it. The TA put his paper down in front of him, he grabbed it up, flipping it over to look at the grade. It had been ten problems from the textbook that they were supposed to complete and he was expecting to get an eight or nine out of ten. There was only one he thought he for sure messed up on but then he flipped it over and in red pen at the very top was scribbled 3/10. Tyler’s heart dropped, his cheeks turned bright red and he hurriedly shoved the sheet into his backpack, not wanting anyone to see how badly he had done. Everyone else seemed confident in their work, maybe a couple other people were putting it back in their bag nervously but no one seemed as upset as he felt. He tried to look normal, like he didn’t care, like it was okay. He felt like people were staring at him, he looked down at his desk. His vision blurred and he tried to take a deep, steadying breath. He didn’t want anyone to ask him about it, or ask if he was okay, so he forced himself to look as normal as he could.

“Remember guys, all your homework assignments only count for 10% of your grade so you have plenty of ways to make up for a not great grade.” The TA was saying, was she looking at Tyler when she said that? It felt like she was speaking directly to him. She seemed to be just staring at him. He felt hot all over and he looked away. 

“But if you need help or are struggling-” She was definitely talking right to him, he felt panicked, he wanted to run away but class was almost over. He had to act normal. “Come talk to me, we’ll figure it out! Okay, I gotta let you go. See you in lecture.” She called as everyone started to leave. Tyler was one of the first people out of the classroom, he couldn’t be in the hot claustrophobic room anymore. Everyone else seemed to have someone to talk to as they walked out of the class, everyone seemed to know so many people and he didn’t know anyone. He didn’t want to talk to anyone, but at the same time, wouldn’t it be better to not be alone? He hurried down the stairs and out of the big building, he had another class to get to but he also needed to look at this paper. Maybe he had read it wrong. Maybe what he had thought had been a three was actually an eight. Wouldn’t that be so much better? When he was outside he found a bench and sank down onto it. He leaned over his knees and dug in his backpack until he found the partially crumpled up stapled papers and pulled it out. He looked at it again, and yet again, his heart sank. The little bit of hope he had had was crushed. Three out of ten. That was a failing grade. He had never failed something in his entire life. He stuck his thumbnail into his mouth and chewed it as he looked over the paper. 

_ You’re not the hot shit you were in highschool thats for fucking sure. You can’t even get a passing grade and you aren’t the best at basketball _ . The voice was loud and bruising. He rocked forward and then reached up and ran his fingers through his hair before replacing his thumb nail into his mouth.  _ At least Mom and Dad won’t have to see this _ . He reached into his pocket and pulled out his phone, he took a picture of the homework and texted it to Josh.

**Tyler: I’m a fucking failure**

**Jish: Ouch. But one piece of homework doesn’t mean you’re a failure at anything. What class is it for?**

**Tyler: Statistics**

**Jish: Well it’s a good thing you don’t want to be a statistician. **

**Tyler: Well I do want to graduate so.**

**Jish: It’s one piece of homework. It sucks, but give it a few months and you won’t remember this. I’ll help you study, okay?**

**Tyler: Just wasn’t expecting it.**

**Jish: I know. I understand.**

Tyler knew Josh did understand. He understood everything. Josh hadn’t gotten into the colleges he applied for because of poor SAT scores, not because Josh wasn’t smart but because he had talked himself into a panic over the test. His parents had been hard on him for it but Josh was happier working at the record store than he would have been at college, he was happier than Tyler was at college. Tyler was desperate to make this work though, he couldn’t fail this. This was supposed to be what his life was, he was supposed to get a basketball scholarship, so he could go to college and he was supposed to graduate. That was the plan. There had been a portion of the plan that had been derailed but his mother always said, “We’re not going to let  _ Her _ ruin the plan. Our plan.” He couldn’t ruin this plan. He sat on the bench with his head in his hands, still holding the paper for a long time. Nothing was right. This wasn’t supposed to be how he felt at college. Eventually he sat up and realized he was already ten minutes late to his next class. He may as well not go. He dragged himself towards the student union, knowing he needed to make himself eat and he should probably have a Red Bull before basketball practice later. On his way there his phone buzzed, it was Nick.

**Nick: Are you in class right now?**

**Tyler: No, I skipped actually. Why?**

**Nick: Where are you? Can we hang out a minute?**

**Tyler: Sure? I’m going to the Union, I need food. Wanna meet there?**

**Nick: Sure. Be there in ten.**

Confused, Tyler picked up his pace towards the student union. When he got there he got himself a sandwich and a Red Bull from the little student store. He could have gotten pizza from the place downstairs but it was crowded and it stressed him out. He found a table in the lounge area and sat down, he had barely started eating when Nick showed up, dumping his bag on the ground.

“I had a quiz in chem this morning and I swear to god, it nearly killed me.” Nick complained, Tyler made a ‘hm’ noise around his sandwich, not wanting to tell Nick about his bad grade in statistics. 

“You okay?” Nick asked when Tyler didn’t answer. Tyler nodded,

“Just hungry.” He said with a mouth full of turkey. It actually tasted good considering most food tasted like cardboard recently. Nick fished out his planner and was looking through it, checking off boxes, and adding in homework assignments. He reached up and pushed his glasses up his nose. Tyler watched him, not understanding how someone could be so organized, confident, easy going, and talented. Nick had so much of his shit together and Tyler felt like a mess in comparison. Even the sandwich was falling apart because of the way he was eating it. It irritated Tyler how much Nick seemed to have it together, he could juggle everything with ease and still have an excellent social life. 

“So what did you want to meet for?” Tyler asked, his mouth still full. Nick looked up from his notebook. Tyler had a weird feeling, a prickling on the back of his neck that meant something was about to happen, call it a 6th sense for bad news, call it intuition, call it whatever but he had it.

“Why couldn’t I just want to hang out?” Nick asked. 

“Because it’s the middle of the day and you’re usually booked every minute of every day.” Tyler said, swallowing his bite and then cracking open his Red Bull. Nick smiled and shrugged,

“You know me too well, Joseph.” He said, affectionately. 

“It’s been years, Thomas.” Tyler said, returning the friendly usage of surnames. They had once commented on how funny it was that they both had two first names. Tyler Joseph. Nick Thomas. There was quiet while Tyler waited, Nick let out a breath and then shot him a smile. It egged on Tyler’s anxiety.

“Okay, well, Rachel and I have been talking a lot.” Nick said, “You know, about the future.” He continued. Tyler had put down the Red Bull now and the sandwich was abandoned because his stomach was in knots. He just looked across at Nick, unsure. “And you know, talking about what needs to be important and what we should prioritize.” He said. 

“Yeah?” Tyler prompted.

“Well, just because of…like what I want to do with my life and maybe wanting to like, marry Rachel after college and like, have a family and stuff I..I just-” Nick swallowed, he was having a hard time continuing to talk about this. Tyler was looking dead in his eyes and wouldn’t drop his gaze. Tyler’s heart was hammering in his throat, he knew what was coming and he couldn’t stomach it. The few bites of sandwich he had managed to eat were rolling around his stomach like a boat bobbing on angry waters. 

“What?” Tyler was starting to get irritated.

“I don’t think I can um…do Twenty One Pilots anymore.”

It was exactly what Tyler thought it would be, but it hurt worse than he had expected it to. A month after Chris’ abandonment, what was he supposed to do now? Now it was just Josh and him? And he couldn’t let the idea of making music, of building something, of becoming something, die. How would they ever function as a two piece? His throat tightened and burning betrayal churned in his gut with the sandwich, adding a prickling sick feeling in the back of his throat. Nick must have known Tyler’s reaction was poor, it must have been written all over his face. 

“But you and Josh should keep going! I’ll help in whatever way I can, but I just…I can’t play bass for you anymore. I can’t commit to it, because I would end up not being able to keep those commitments and I’d hurt you more later.” Nick said, he reached out to Tyler and Tyler jerked away from him. “Seriously, Ty, you and Josh could do it. You could keep going and you’d be awesome. You’re an outstanding writer, you need to keep doing it.” He continued. But the words felt hollow, it was all meaningless. 

“I have to go.” Tyler hurriedly gathered up the sandwich, wrapping it in the brown paper it had come in.

“Tyler-”

“I…I gotta, yeah. I’ll see you at basketball.” Tyler got up, grabbing his backpack clumsily in his already full hands. He stopped at a trash can and dumped out his mostly uneaten food and his barely touched Red Bull. In his haste to get away, he dropped his phone and stumbled as he picked it up. He rushed out of the building, turning up a street to take him back to his dorm. He reached up with shaking hands and covered his face, he raked them back up over his hair, “Fuck!” He cried. The couple people passing by jumped and stared at him. He walked to his dorm, trying not to be angry, trying not to break down before he got there. 

When he did get there, it was mostly quiet, lots of people still had afternoon classes. He prayed silently that Preston wouldn’t be in their room. He couldn’t handle having to talk to him. People said hi to him in the hallway but he ignored them, walking quickly towards his door. He tried the door, thankfully it was locked which meant Preston wasn’t there. He shoved his key in and opened the door before slamming it shut behind him and leaning hard against it. He started to sob. Why was everything turning to shit? Why was this so hard for him? He slid down the door, curling up into a ball, his head in his hands. He ran his fingers over his hair, grabbed two fistfuls, and pulled. “Fuck,” he sobbed it this time. He let himself weep as loudly as he needed to, he was sure if his neighbors were around that they would hear him crying. They would hear his anguish and he would continue to be judged as the quiet weird guy who barely spoke to people. This wasn’t how he was in highschool, this wasn’t supposed to be how he was now. But everything was fucked up, and his mind was failing him. Everything he worked on was falling away while he was gone, away from home, away from his crutch that came in the shape of his best friend. He took a deep breath, tilted his head forward before taking a deep breath and smacking it back into the door, clenching his teeth to brace himself. Pain blistered into being, spinning inward from the spot on his head, he could see shiny white spots in his vision but at least it had brought him back into his body.

He picked up his phone with shaking hands, he didn’t bother with a text message, he tapped  **Jish ** in his phone and held the phone up to his ear. Three rings and then,

“Hello?”

“Josh.” His voice came out weaker than he had meant it to be but the sound of Josh’s voice had made him ache. 

“Tyler, what’s wrong?” Josh just knew, he just…understood. 

“Nick just told me he can’t be in Twenty One Pilots anymore.” Tyler managed to get out through a badly stifled sob. 

“What!?” Josh asked, sounding almost as angry as Tyler had immediately felt. He told the drummer exactly what Nick had said and Josh at first was angry but then he was understanding in a way that only Josh could be. Tyler could never be that understanding, especially when he was wounded. 

“It’ll be okay, Ty. We can do it just us. We can. If anyone can, it’s us. And we will.” Josh insisted. “I’m all in, buddy. Come next summer we’ll be touring. We’ll make our album.” Josh comforted him. Tyler couldn’t be comforted, it felt hopeless, he felt helpless and so far away from Josh. From his connection to their band, to music, too far away from the comfort Josh offered. 

“Maybe.” He said. He heard Josh sigh on the other end,

“I’m coming out there for dinner.” He said suddenly.

“Wait-what? Today?” Tyler asked.

“Yeah, lets get burritos.” Josh said, a smile clear in his voice. Tyler was warmed by even the idea of Josh’s smile. 

“Okay. Yes.” He said, letting his own smile creep up through the watery, tired expression. They talked about logistics, Josh would come pick Tyler up in a couple hours and they’d get some food. When they hung up, Tyler still ached with sadness but there was the prospect of Josh and it was enough to carry him through. He skipped basketball though, he didn’t want to face Nick and he didn’t want to play. Instead he wrote in his black leather journal, putting down every word in his heart, everything he felt. He watched bass tutorials on youtube and took notes, thinking about how he could work on the skills he already had to replace Nick with little to no trouble. 

It was nearly five PM when Josh texted that he was out front. Tyler practically ran to the parking lot. He was standing outside of it, leaning against the hood, waiting for Tyler. Tyler ran over and they grabbed hands, pulling each other in to hug in that stupid way ‘bros’ do. Tyler had wanted to fling his arms around Josh’s neck and cling to him but grabbing at Josh’s hand and tugging him in was almost good enough. He squeezed Josh’s hand as he did. 

“Good to see you, buddy!” Josh said excitedly, grabbing his back a little tighter than he would have if Tyler was someone else.

“I’m so happy you’re here.” Tyler said, still pressed close to Josh. When they broke apart Tyler found himself wanting to cling to his hand but he couldn’t. They got into Josh’s car, and it felt so familiar to Tyler he almost broke down. He didn’t want this to end, he didn’t want this to just be for one dinner. He wanted it every day. He wanted Josh around all the time. They turned on music, as Josh drove them to a nearby chipotle. It wasn’t anything fancy, it wasn’t exciting but it was normal. It was something that was just supposed to be. Tyler leaned his head back against the headrest and watched Josh drive, just taking in the way he looked wearing sunglasses and a backwards cap, grinning even while he talked. There were tufts of curls sticking out of his cap and Tyler found his hand itching to reach over and touch Josh’s leg, or arm. The music playing was something familiar, something easy and exactly  _ Josh.  _ Tyler wanted to savor this moment, remember every detail so he could go back to it in times of strife, or moments of anger and anxiety and relive it. It would always feel recent enough that it could feel real, and like it could happen again at any time. It was what he needed and he tried to just live in it. Josh was wholly real and he was talking, what was he saying? He looked over at Tyler,

“You listening?” He asked.

“What?” Tyler asked, but Josh just laughed.

“I asked if you were at least liking basketball at school.”

“No.” Tyler said honestly. Josh didn’t judge it, or question it, he just nodded. 

“It would be hard to feel like it was more of a job than a game.” He said. Tyler nodded and sighed. There was a long pause where Tyler continued to stare at his best friend, longing for more. Longing for more moments like this one, for time together, for the summer that had ended only weeks ago where they had spent pretty much every waking moment together. 

“What do we do now, Jish?” he asked, as Josh pulled into the parking lot behind the chipotle. 

“What do you mean?” Josh asked, getting out of the car. Tyler followed, wishing he could bottle up that car ride, just getting to stare at Josh and only think about his dimples or his eyes, bottle it up and keep it locked away to open whenever he was down.

“About the band?” Tyler asked as they paused outside the doors of the chipotle. Josh looked at him, Tyler saw him studying his defeated face but then he shrugged,

“We keep going. Seems simple enough to me.” He turned to the doors, pulling them open and getting in line. It was so simple to Josh. He was sure they could do it, he was sure they should do it and that they would. Tyler followed after him. They spent the next two hours sitting at a tiny chipotle table, talking about music and their plans. 

“Well I think we should try to get together once a week just to talk about band stuff. Maybe that could be over the weekend? Or if that doesn’t work we can find another time. But once a week seems reasonable.” Tyler was saying as he scooped up the last of the guac. 

“I agree, I wish I could commit to getting out here more than that but with work, I don’t know.” Josh said, with a shrug.

“Once a week is fine for now, as long as we’re working on our own too.” He said.

“For sure, I mean, we need to get some songs written if we wanna record something this Christmas.” Josh said. They had covered so much in the last two hours that it felt like this was a good place to fall. It had bounced from music to friends, to the record shop, to school a million different times. There had even been a portion of time where they were catching each other up on funny videos they had found on the internet and hadn’t sent to one another. It was easily the happiest Tyler had been since starting school. He continuously found himself longing to reach out and touch Josh. He wanted to creep his hand across the table and catch Josh’s hand or his arm but nerves had kept him from it. He had set his foot up on Josh’s leg for a while. Josh had complained but he hadn’t pushed Tyler’s leg off of him, in fact he had brushed his hand over Tyler’s skinny jean clad shin a few times and pinched his foot a couple times as well. Those tiny touches only made Tyler long for more. 

“Hey Josh,” Tyler said, Josh looked up from his phone. “Would it weird you out if I came over and sat like right next to you?” Tyler said, smiling a teasingly little smile. Maybe the joke was just an excuse to get closer to Josh.

“Uhhh it depends. Like, do you mean would it be weird if we had been sitting next to each other all along or like you got up specifically to sit-”

“Like as close to you as possible.” Tyler finished, nodding. Josh gave him a worried look and laughed nervously, but before he could answer Tyler was continuing, “And yeah, I meant me getting up and just-” he stood up from his chair and went around to the second chair next to Josh and sank down, sitting as close to him as he could, their legs touching. 

“I mean I like cuddling.” Josh said with a giggle. “But I’d be afraid you were about to give me a wet willy or something.” 

“What!? I would never-” Tyler said, Josh glanced over at Tyler’s finger, which was halfway towards his mouth. Josh scooted away, laughing and Tyler nudged him, “I’m kidding. I promise I wont put my spit covered finger in any of your orifices.” 

Josh snorted with laughter, “Whoa there, buddy, this is a family establishment, keep it PG.” He said.

“My mind didn’t go to PG-13, yours did, Jishwa.” Tyler teased. Josh rolled his eyes, 

“Yeah sure.” His voice dripped with sarcasm.

“Spit covered fingers and orifices aren’t necessarily sexual.” Tyler explained as if it was obvious. 

“I’d have to disagree, bud.” Josh said. They teased each other but Tyler never ended up moving back to his seat, they sat next to each other watching videos until they realized how long they had been there and decided they probably should leave.

When Josh finally had to drop Tyler back off at the dorm he got out of the car and this time they actually hugged. Tyler pulled Josh into his chest, wrapping his arms around Josh’s neck and hugging him tightly. He dug his fingers into Josh’s back, almost unwilling to let him go. He just wanted him to stay, or, better yet, he wanted Josh to take him home. It would be better than slinking back into a dorm room alone, without the person he was desperate for. He could envision it, Josh understanding that Tyler wasn’t okay at school, he wouldn’t let him leave, he’d say “No, I’m taking you home. You don’t have to be here anymore.” but it didn’t happen. When they finally let go of each other, Tyler stayed outside and watched Josh’s car disappear out of the parking lot. Even when Josh was completely gone, he didn’t feel ready to return to his dorm room. The black ball of anxiety in his chest spiked again, the jagged edges splintering into him. He reminded himself of the calming words, the reassurances Josh and spoken and it eased him enough to continue on. 

*

Josh had been working at the record store since the beginning of summer and it was the best job he could have asked for. Flexible hours, cool people, easy, and decent money. Plus all the opportunities to meet people who played music, or owned venues. The only bad thing about it was that it wasn’t college with Tyler. Not that Josh particularly wanted to be in college, he just wanted to be with Tyler. He was trying to be the strong one, the unwavering support for Tyler who so often needed the encouragement that he was capable, but it tore him up that he couldn’t be there with him. Especially while Tyler was suffering...and it really seemed like Tyler was suffering. Throughout highschool Josh had watched Tyler get better and better, heal and grow and find a way to be happy and whole again after everything that had happened in junior high, but then he had left for college and the old tendencies had come back. Tyler had been excited for school over the summer, but little things had started coming out, old worries, clinging to moments, not wanting to be alone, more flashbacks. Then he was gone and suddenly it seemed like it was a lot worse. Josh wasn’t there to gauge just how bad it was but he knew that he had stopped calling his mom which drove Kelly crazy. She had taken to texting Josh to make sure he had heard from Tyler. He was always encouraging Tyler to call his mom, just once every couple days but the conversations always went the same.

**Josh: Call your mom! She keeps texting me.**

**TyJo: I will. I will. When I have something exciting and good to tell her, I’ll call.**

**Josh: Just call now!**

But Josh couldn’t force Tyler to do anything, he never had been able to. He was thankful that his job at the Electric Fetus gave him a distraction. He was currently putting out new records that had just come in stock when a girl rushed in, tying her blonde and pink hair back into a bun,

“Hi, Claire!” Josh called from where he was working, the store was quiet right now, usually Monday afternoons were pretty dead so they tried to get a lot of their restocking or inventory done then.

“Hey Josh!” She said cheerily, she shot him the typical big grin she seemed to reserve for him. “Sorry I’m a little late…the bus from school was super behind.” She said. Claire was an art student at the community college in town and she bussed here after her classes were done for the day. 

“Didn’t notice.” Josh said, fingering through the albums. “Oh cool, I want this, I wonder if Travis would let me buy this…” Josh said, looking over the rare copy of Green Day’s Dookie, he ran his hand over the front and then flipped it over to read the tracklist on the back. Claire came over, standing very close to him, she put her hand on his arm, making him tilt the record down so she could look at it too. 

“Oh I love Green Day!” she said, “Gosh, I’d love that…” She said sweetly, leaning her head in close to Josh to look at it. Josh glance down at her, swallowed and nodded,

“Um…uh yeah, it’s cool.” He said. “I mean I doubt Travis wants either of us to buy it because you know, customers…” He said. “But I’d fight him for it,” he joked. Claire giggled too hard at the bad-barely-even-a-joke-joke and bumped her hip against his, 

“Joshy, you’re so funny.” She said, her hand still on his arm. Josh smiled at her, unsure of what to do with the whole flirting thing. Also he hated ‘Joshy’ way more than ‘Jishwa.’

“Joshy?” He asked. 

“Yeah, it’s pretty cute. Or do you prefer Joshua?” She asked, her fingers ran up towards his bicep and squeezed a little. She even pressed the side of her body closer to his.

“Um I prefer-”

“Alright, lovebirds!” The gruff, slightly annoyed sounding voice of Travis came from the back office as he emerged, holding a coffee. “That’s enough canoodling on the clock.” He said before sipping his coffee. Claire stepped away from Josh, bright red but giggling. “Claire, can you go in the back and organize those new t-shirts into different sizes, they got all mixed up.” Travis asked.

“Ugh Travis!” She whined, but she grinned at Travis and then shot a wink to Josh before heading into the back room.

Josh finished stocking up the records and then walked back over to the counter where Travis was looking at papers, he brought over the Dookie vinyl. 

“How much are you going to charge for this?” Josh asked, looking across at his manager. 

“I’d have to check some things and talk to Roger…but I wouldn’t say less than sixty?”

“Sixty!?” Josh asked. 

“Yeah, why, did you want it?” Travis asked. Josh rubbed the back of his neck and shrugged, “What, were you looking to give it to your little girlfriend?” Travis’ eyes flicked towards the door to the back where Claire was working. Josh turned even redder,

“I-what? No! She’s not my…” He shook his head, looking at Travis, feeling slightly judged by the older man. Travis’ gaze always felt inspecting and there was always a touch of teasing behind his smile. He was slightly taller than Josh, with a slighter body. Not so broad through his shoulders but slim and well toned. He had brown hair that was cropped short on the sides with some floppy extra on top, and dark brown eyes.  _ He looks kind of like Tyler.  _ The thought struck Josh almost unwillingly. Travis’ tongue stuck out and swept across his lower lip,

“Oh, she’s not? I mean, I guess that makes sense, Joshua.” Travis said. Josh looked away and his hands fumbled with the vinyl, picking it back up to replace it on the shelf. Sixty dollars was too much for him. When Josh looked back over at Travis, Travis shot him a quick wink and Josh felt an involuntary reaction to it.  _ Travis kind of looked like Tyler.  _ The thought burrowed into his brain and he mulled it over as he worked.

“Pants down. Quick now, Joshua.” Travis spoke into Josh’s lips as they kissed in the dim back room of the store. It was closing time, Claire had been sent home an hour ago and it was just the two of them in the building. Josh quickly complied like he had maybe a dozen other times over the last month. He excitedly tugged his belt undone and shoved his pants and underwear down. Relief flooded through him as Travis took his painfully hard cock into his hand and ran his fingers up and down it, pumping it just a couple times. 

“Lean over the couch,” Travis instructed. Josh turned to the couch and stumbled his way there, almost too excited to move without falling. It was a nice little back room, full of storage and then comfy seating, a microwave and a mini fridge. Josh bent over the back of the couch and Travis came up behind him, his hand ran up and down his back underneath his shirt,

“Fuck, you look so good like that. Does your girlfriend ever get this view?” Travis asked, his hand moving down to his ass and squeezing it. Josh actually laughed a little and then squirmed as Travis took his ass cheek and spread it open a little. 

“She’s not my girlfriend,” Josh managed. 

“Hm,” Travis said. “Okay, sure, Joshua.” A thought struck Josh as he called him Joshua in that slightly mocking tone,

“C-can you call me…Jish?” 

“Jish?” Travis asked, sounding a little confused as he worked on getting his own pants undone. The nickname that only Tyler called him said in this context sent a shiver down his spine. If he listened just so he could almost pretend it was Tyler’s voice. His cock throbbed against the couch.

“Mhm,” Josh hummed out. “It’s just…someone else calls me-”

“Is this about that Tyler kid again?” Travis asked from behind him, he leaned over Josh’s back and kissed the back of his neck, speaking kind of into his ear. Josh could feel Travis’ hard cock against his ass and he was aching for it now, the thoughts of Tyler, the need for intimacy was driving him crazy. 

“Yes, and I…I don’t know, I just really like the sound of it and I know I shouldn’t want him because he probably doesn’t want-I just can’t help thinking about him and-”

“Do you want to call me, Tyler or something?” Travis teased, he had pulled back from Josh’s back now and his fingers were tracing from Josh’s spine down towards his tailbone and then between his cheeks towards his tight but willing hole. Josh tensed up just slightly as he felt Travis press his pointer finger in, just the tip, teasing him. That combined with the suggestion of calling Travis Tyler was enough to make Josh want to rut against the couch. 

“What? I…I mean not if you dont-”

“If it gets you to shut up and get your legs open more so I can fuck you, then I don’t care what you call me.” Travis said, “Spread your legs, Jish.” He added. Josh opened his legs a little more, pressing his hips back, inviting more. Travis spat into his hand and ran it over his own hard cock and then started to press the head into Josh. Josh gasped and moaned and pressed his hips back towards Travis. 

“Oh…fuck.” Josh groaned pushed his hips back, welcoming the familiar feeling. Travis pressed himself forward,

“Good boy, oh fuck, take it Jish.” Travis moaned. Josh clenched up at the sound of that nickname, he pretended it was Tyler slowly easing his cock into his ass. Josh gasped and nodded, moving with Travis now. It felt so good, his mind was filled with thoughts of Tyler, pretending that the person who was grabbing his hips was Tyler, the person who was slowly pulling out of him and then filling him slowly was Tyler. He was scared to call Travis Tyler at first but then as he got closer and closer to a release the words started to spill out of his mouth,

“Ohh Tyler…Tyler…yes. Oh my god…touch me, please, Tyler, please.” He begged, his mouth open and his hips pressing back. Travis reached around as best he could and took Josh’s cock in his head. 

“Jish…oh fuck, you’re tightening up for me…are you going to come? I’m so close, Jish.” Travis moaned. 

“Yea, I’m…I’m so close already, Ty.” Josh moaned. Travis squeezed his cock harder, rubbing it up and down and Josh spasmed, wishing desperately that it was Tyler. Josh came into Travis’ hand and a second later Travis pulled out of Josh, leaving him kind of empty feeling while he came onto his back. Josh felt like he could cry. The second it was over Travis pulled away, going to get paper towels. He cleaned off his hand and then helped Josh clean up. When Josh was finally able to stand up and pull up his pants Travis had already fixed his pants,

“So could it possibly work out with this Tyler?” He asked.

“Probably not.” Josh said, his eyes were red and he was trying to recover from his orgasm and the rush of emotions.

“Well, if you want to date Claire, I don’t care. We could keep fucking too. It’s whatever bro.” Travis slapped his arm and turned away. “I’m locking up in five minutes so…” he said. Josh waved him off and stood there for a second, rubbing his eyes and trying not to cry. He felt guilty, gross, and angry. Angry at himself. Angry in general. He felt disgusting and used but he knew he’d do it again and he’d call him Tyler and probably cry afterwards. 

*

Homecoming weekend came and Tyler was wholly relieved. It meant Josh, it meant fun and letting go. But mostly it meant Josh. He came Friday night and they spent the entire evening eating pizza and talking music, Tyler showed Josh what he had been working on and Josh played some things on his phone that he had recorded when he had practiced drums over this week. Tyler felt whole when Josh was there and they were talking music. It was just right. It was what life was supposed to be. That night they had fallen asleep together on the tiny couch in Tyler’s dorm room. It was cramped, their legs were tangled together, both fully dressed in jeans and tshirts. Tyler had ended up waking up, aching from the awkward way he had been positioned and noticed how peacefully Josh was sleeping. He let his eyes wander over his best friend, taking in the slightly furrowed brow, his pursed lips and the way his arms were folded over his chest. Tyler couldn’t help but stare at him. He had to clench his fist to stop himself from running his fingers over Josh’s lips. Tyler’s whole body burned for it. For the simple touches from this boy who was curled up so peacefully on his couch. Tyler’s hand reached out towards Josh’s, his fingers hovering an inch above his. It would be so easy to just take Josh’s hand, and run his fingers over the soft skin. He imagined himself spreading little kisses over the back of Josh’s hand. Peppering each knuckle with kisses. He longed for it so deeply that he stayed there motionless, wishing he could simply hold Josh’s hand for a couple minutes, until he suddenly tugged it back and got up to go to his bed just a few feet away. When he stood up, Josh’s feet unfurled a little and Tyler tugged the blanket they had been sharing higher up on him, watching the way he twisted to curl up deeper into the couch. Tyler climbed the ladder to his cold bed and wished he could bring Josh with. 

“You’ll drink with me tonight, right?” Josh asked the next afternoon as they finally got back to the dorm room after pretending to care about the homecoming football game. Tyler sighed, he had nearly forgotten about the damn party Nick had convinced them to go to. “You don’t have to get hammered or anything…but I’d rather be drinking with you than with Nick.” He said with a smile. Tyler loved how pink Josh’s nose had turned in the chilly air outside. He also loved how he hadn’t wanted to stay at the football game any longer than Tyler had. They had ducked out together as soon as Nick had been occupied with other people. Opting instead to wander around campus, finding a place where Josh could get coffee and Tyler could get a hot chocolate. It had been almost idyllic, a college campus bathed in golden light, newly yellow leaves being blown about by the wind. It wasn’t idyllic though because Tyler hated this place, and he could no longer associate it with anything other than suffering. Maybe that was melodramatic, but it didn’t matter, he was angry at this place. 

Their golden fall day was apparently going to turn into a debauched night because eleven O’clock found them at a frat house, surrounded by everything a stereotypical homecoming party might have. Booze. Beer pong. Loud music and asshole fraternity bros. “Here,” Nick said, thrusting disposable shot glasses into each of Tyler and Josh’s hands. “To Josh’s first time at a college party.” Nick said, lifting his own shot glass up. Tyler didn’t question what was in there but he took the shot. It tasted like…nothing but fire and bitter. He nearly choked but then a full solo cup of beer was pressed into his hand, he sipped it, some of it dribbled out of his mouth and onto his chin. He reached up with his other hand, trying to catch the falling drops even as he sipped. Josh was drinking beer similarly, trying to rid his mouth and throat of the burning booze. 

“There you go!” Nick clapped Josh on the shoulder. “You guys will do just fine as a band together. Bands who do shots together, stay together.” He laughed. Tyler didn’t answer, he looked away “Okay, still not mentioning that.” Nick said, nodding. He caught sight of his girlfriend a moment later and ran off to go say hello, leaving Josh and Tyler alone but surrounded by people. 

“I don’t think I want to be a band that does shots together.” Tyler said, taking another long sip of beer.

“Do you not want to be doing this?” Josh asked, looking over, a little worried that Tyler was hating this. 

“No…I mean, right now its okay. I don’t mind drinking with you,” his mouth twitched into a half smile. 

“Oh good, I was nervous there for a second-”

“Oh yeah, I fucking hate this and you, get out.” Tyler said through a grin, his voice sarcastic.

“Okay sure.” Josh said, turning away, but Tyler grabbed his arm and laughed. 

“No. I just mean I don’t want to be a band who’s known for partying and being out doing drugs and being assholes.” Tyler said, “I just don’t envision that being…us.” 

“I agree.” Josh said. “But for now, do you want to take another shot?” He asked. Tyler usually wouldn’t have, but for some reason the idea of drinking with Josh was exactly what he wanted.

Josh poured it for them, they raised them together and threw them back. Josh made a face and Tyler coughed, 

“Okay, I think no more shots.” Tyler gagged and sipped his beer, even swishing it around in his mouth to rid himself of the bitter after taste. 

“Is beer really going to make your mouth taste better?” Josh asked. Tyler nodded, still trying to squash the disgusted face he was making,

“It got worse the second time.” He said. Josh smiled around the rim of his cup of beer. It didn’t take much more to get both of them happily, comfortably drunk. The people watching at a party like this was interesting and both of them felt safest right next to each other and in a place where no one seemed to bother much with them. There weren’t girls flirting or guys trying to talk to them about drunken antics, football or even basketball. It was the first time Tyler had ever felt really drunk. The music was suddenly better, all the things he could do sounded way more fun than usual but what really sounded nice was Josh. 

It turned out that Josh was a touchy drunk, he kept taking Tyler’s arm and leaning into him, giggling. They tried dancing to the music but they just kept almost falling down, laughing. 

“Josh…Josh, you know, I think Nick is a robot.” Tyler whispered as he and Josh wandered through the party, they had cups of punch now, it had replaced the beer a while ago but Tyler had no idea how they had gotten it. He wasn’t sure where they were going either, things seemed to just happen him now that he was drunk. Drunk Tyler was making decisions and normal Tyler definitely couldn’t keep up. Josh started laughing but then stopped and looked confused,

“What?” he asked. 

“Well, I mean…how does one person have so much of his shit together? Like…he can do college and basketball…and drinking and a girlfriend and being organized and…no. Not possible. Actually its IMpossible. It’s IMpossible, Josh.”

“IMpossible?” Josh asked, “Is that a word? Or is it INpossible?” They had wandered to the upstairs of the house, the party had spilled into the upper floors, and someone had flung open a window that led onto the roof.

“No…no…cause wouldn’t INpossible be like…it was IN the possibility?” Tyler asked. Some people tried to say hi to Tyler as they passed but he could barely spare them a glance. The two boys went over to the window and somehow managed to clamber out of it, Josh had to push on Tyler’s butt to get him over the sill. Just outside the window there was a flat spot where some people were standing or sitting, smoking cigarettes and chatting. About five feet to the left there was an empty spot where the slope of the roof wasn’t so steep that it’d be easy to fall off of so they made their way there. Tyler sank down and Josh followed suit. 

“That hurts my head-” Josh laughed, “Because wouldn’t you just say it was possible?” he asked.

“Irregardless.” Tyler flopped back against the roof entirely, staring up at the stars in the sky. 

“That’s not a wordddd!” Josh moaned and both of them started to laugh. 

“Shut up, Jish. I’m the lead singer.” Tyler giggled. Josh was laying back now too, their heads were close together. 

Up in the sky the few stars they could see were faint, and to Tyler, they were blurry. His vision wasn’t quite right, he was drunk and everything kept shifting behind his eyes. He could smell Josh when the breeze passed just right and it was making him want to reach out to him. The alcohol had done nothing to dull the steady ache he had for Josh. Josh turned his head slightly to look at Tyler. Tyler could feel his gaze but he didn’t turn to meet it, it would be too much. It would break his heart for brown eyes to meet brown eyes while they were drunk, fragile and on a roof. If his heart broke while he was up here in this state, everything would give way underneath him, he’d fall and break every bone in his body. 

Would it be so bad to break everything for the sake of Josh’s brown eyes? For the sake of those brown eyes he might fling himself off of the roof, but for whatever reason he couldn’t force himself to turn and look. So he let Josh stare at the side of his head. Tyler smiled. “The stars are pretty,” He said. Josh finally turned his head and stared up at the sky as well,

“They look like nothing, you idiot.” Josh teased. Tyler burst out laughing because it was true, they were hazy, barely there nothings in the light pollution from the city. Tyler’s laughter turned into a cackle, his stomach contracting, he nodded,

“It’s true.” He said. Josh grinned. Silence fell over them. It was full of something, maybe want, maybe just a pure love and respect for each other. Maybe both. When Josh decided to break the silence, Tyler was a little sad to feel the comfortable nothingness go. 

“So are you okay?” He asked.

“What do you mean?” Tyler asked, finally turning to look at his best friend, knowing that now there was a reason to return his gaze it would be safe. 

“Just…you haven’t seemed great recently and I was wondering if being away or something was…maybe bringing stuff up.” He was suddenly surprisingly articulate and Tyler wondered maybe if Josh had never been as drunk as him. 

“I’m good right now.” Tyler said. 

“What about other times?” Josh asked. Tyler didn’t answer, he didn’t know what to tell him. No. Other times he wasn’t good. Things weren’t right. And the thing that made his world seem right was Josh himself and how could he say that to him?

“I’ll survive.” Tyler shrugged. “I’ve survived worse.” He said. Josh stared at him and Tyler couldn’t look at him again, but it wasn’t for the same reasons, it was because he was scared Josh would be able to read every thought in his mind. Josh’s hand twitched for a second, almost as if he had thought about reaching out to touch Tyler, but he thought better of it and settled back against the roof again, looking up at the unimpressive stars.

*

When Josh left the next day Tyler had to smother the tears, his eyes had been rimmed with red and burning. He had to blink and breathe deeply to keep them at bay. Josh had seen it, he had noticed it and Tyler blushed, trying to act like it wasn’t happening. The next week crawled by but Tyler remembered that weekend. He looked through the dumb photos they had taken and he thought of the moments on the roof at the frat party and stumbling home drunk and passing out on the couch together again. It got him through classes and basketball.

He even managed to call his mom and let her know they had a scrimmage that her and dad should come to. They came and it went okay, they even got to see him play a little. It only had not been great when they asked about grades and he had to admit he wasn’t doing great in some classes. They told him to work harder and he found himself having to tell himself repeatedly that their reaction wasn’t so bad, that it could have been worse so he wouldn’t get worked up or shout at them. Tyler was feeling capable of getting through the week, he still didn’t go out, he didn’t get food with Preston or seek out Nick to hang out but he went to his classes and made it to all his basketball games. That was a win. Josh and him were still in constant communication and that helped, it gave him exactly what he needed to get through the first few days of the week which were always the hardest.

September was finally drawing to a close, he had been at school for pretty much a month and it wasn’t anything he had expected. He was unsure of how he would ge through four years like this. The thought sent shivers running up and down his spine. It caused the black spiked ball of anxiety to burst wider, gouging into him momentarily. He just tried to tell himself that things would just fall into a routine and eventually become second nature. Things wouldn’t be scary forever. 

He was scrolling through facebook when a link someone posted caught his eye and then his vision tunneled,

**Columbus Teacher Convicted of Having an Illicit Affair with 7th Grade Boy Released After Only Six Years**

  
Tyler couldn’t breathe, he didn’t click the link, it didn’t matter, he knew exactly what it was. He knew who it was and panic flooded all of his senses. He sat straight up in bed and everything continued to tunnel. He was sixteen and in therapy, sobbing that he felt lost and wrong. He was fourteen, desperate to not think of  _ Her _ every time he tried to masturbate. He was thirteen and in  _ Her  _ apartment, his breath coming in as whines as he experienced a blow job for the first time. He was twelve and first meeting her at his middle school open house. He was twelve and she was touching his hand, she was stroking her hand over his hair. She was touching his forehead, checking for a fever. She was running her fingernails over the skin on his shoulder and bicep, giving him shivers. He grabbed his hair, pulling it. His phone was buzzing and buzzing and buzzing, someone was calling him but it went unanswered. 


	2. October

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As October rolls around Tyler deals with the news of his abusers release for prison and struggles through school. Josh tries to figure out the best way to take care of Tyler while battling his own feelings.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's chapter two! I'm hoping to post about two weeks apart but we'll see what happens from here out.  
This chapter gets very heavy, please, please take these content warnings seriously.  
Some major Content Warnings:  
Suicidal Thoughts(pretty explicit), Past Sexual Abuse, PTSD, Past Rape Mentions, Self Harm
> 
> There is light stuff in here too so,  
I hope you enjoy!

Josh was driving before he had time to think about whether or not it was a good idea. He had seen the news on his phone and barely thought of anything but getting to Tyler. Text messages poured in, from his sisters sending him the link to the article, from his mother asking if he had heard, from Nick, from Chris, from Mrs. Joseph but not from Tyler. None from Tyler, which made it even more important for Josh to drop everything and get to him.What if Tyler didn’t know yet? What if he became the bearer of this terrible fucking news? Well then, he’d bear it, and he’d bear all of Tyler’s emotional release. He’d bear everything as long as it meant he was with his best friend when he needed him the most. Josh was almost in a blind panic to get Tyler, in all reality he shouldn’t be driving, he was distracted and barely paying attention to what he was doing. He hadn’t even turned on music so the silence was suffocating Josh, giving him something like tunnel vision. It was a miracle he made it to the tiny dorm parking lot. He climbed out of the car and tried Tyler’s phone, it rang and rang and rang and nothing. 

“Fuck,” Josh hung up and tried again, still nothing. Someone was coming out of the door and he hurried over, he grabbed the door as it was closing behind the girl and walked in. He took a left down Tylers hall, he was on the first floor, room 133. What would he do if Tyler wouldn’t even open the door? What was he supposed to do if he couldn’t get to him at all? Or what if he didn’t know and wasn’t even in his dorm? He had the answer for that question at least, he’d sit outside the door and wait for him. Even if it meant waiting for hours. When Josh reached the door he hammered on it, nothing. 

“Fuck.” he repeated. He smacked his fist into the door again, leaning his forehead against it. “Tyler,” He said, loud enough that it would get through the wood. “If you’re in there, its Josh. Open up. Please.” He knocked again, leaning into it and taking deep breaths to try to calm down his racing thoughts. Tyler wouldn’t do something to hurt himself, right? He wouldn’t go that far, would he? Josh knocked again. “Tyler.” He said seriously. “I’m going to stay here until you either open the door or you get back from wherever you are…but I’ll feel really stupid if you’re not in there and I’m just knocking to no one.” He said. He was about to hammer on the door again, his fist was raised and everything when the door opened and Tyler stood there. He looked a little surprised to see Josh there but everything else was just…nothing. His face looked blank, tired, desperate for something that Josh wasn’t sure how to give. 

“Josh…” Tyler’s voice came out weak and wobbly. It sucked what was left of Josh’s breath out of him, he stepped forward and Tyler seemed to collapse. It started with his head folding forward, then his shoulders slumped, he curled over at the waist. Josh reached out in time to catch him as his knees buckled. It seemed that his voice was the last to give way because sobs wracked his chest and Josh clutched Tyler’s arms and held him into him. 

“Whoa,” Josh said, pulling Tyler into his chest so Josh could support him, using his whole body and not just his arms. “I’m here, Ty.” He said. Tyler’s fingers clutched at the front of Josh’s shirt. “Come on,” Josh stepped into the dorm room and took Tyler over to the couch, sitting him down and then sinking down next to him. Tyler buried his head in his hands and Josh put a protective arm around him. He wasn’t sure what to do or say. Tyler was shaking. 

“This isn’t real. This is a nightmare. It’s not real, right Josh? Josh? It’s not real? She’s not getting out, right?” Tyler asked, he was rocking back and forth slightly, raking his hands over his head. Josh watched helplessly as Tyler lost himself to something that must have been a mental breakdown. It ripped Josh’s heart to shreds. He racked his brain desperately for something to do to help. He couldn’t lie. He couldn’t say it wasn’t real, even if he wished he could.

“I’m sorry, Tyler.” Josh said. Tyler grabbed his hair and pulled on it, he let out a moan. 

“No, no…no no no! No. No.” He mumbled. Josh wrapped his other arm around Tyler’s chest, bracing him there and trying to keep him steady, trying to ground him here in some kind of reality. Tyler shook his head and tried to breathe. Josh could hear the panic in Tyler’s breathing so he took slow deep breaths, hoping that the way Tyler was pressed up against him would help him feel Josh’s breath. Maybe he would match it. 

“She’s nowhere near you, Tyler. Nothing can happen to you. I’m here.” Josh said, forcing his voice to stay level, forcing himself to stay calm even though he was breaking for his best friend. 

*

_ “I just don’t think I have time to get him from school two hours late, I have to get Zack and Maddy from the elementary school and Jay from preschool…we have Zack’s basketball…Maddy’s basketball and gymnastics…Jay is doing swim lessons this semester,” Long pause while a voice at the other end of the phone spoke. Tyler was sitting at the kitchen table, listening to his mother talk to Mrs. Galloway, he kept picking at his cuticles nervously. He had been devastated when his mom told him she didn’t think he would be able to do tutoring with Mrs. Galloway anymore. He had cried, begging not to have to go somewhere else for his tutoring. Kelly looked over at her son who was staring up at her pleading, _

_ “No, he’d of course still be getting help, I just am not sure I can go all the way back to school-especially right at 5:30…mhm…No, monday’s don’t work better. I know, he honestly loves you so much it’d be a shame to have to start all over with a different instructor.” Mom said. Tyler prayed that he wouldn’t have to give up his Thursdays with Mrs. Galloway. Heather. She had asked him to only call her Heather when they were together. But he had to remember to call her Mrs. Galloway around his family.  _

_ “Mom, please.” Tyler whined quietly, she waved him off and he leaned back against the chair angrily. More talking from Mrs. Galloway, Mom was nodding. _

_ “Oh that’s too much, you don’t have to go that out of your way-” More talking from the other end. Tyler imagined what Heather might be offering, she was trying so hard to keep him coming to her on Thursdays. She was so protective of their Thursdays, Tyler felt warm inside just thinking about it. He shifted a little and looked up at his mom, waiting, hopeful. “I mean, if you’re okay with having him for that long honestly that would be a life saver. Mhm. No, you don’t have to worry about getting him dinner or anything. He’ll eat on the way to basketball. That’s great. Thank you! Oh, he’ll be so happy to hear this worked out. Yeah, we can start next week. Thanks, yeah, talk to you soon. See you at Church, Heather. Yup. Bye.” Kelly hung up the phone and looked around at Tyler who was leaning forward on his chair, _

_ “So?!” He asked.  _

_ “That woman is a saint, I understand why you love her so much.”  _

_ No you don’t. Tyler thought, but it didn’t matter, he was too excited thinking about what Heather might have said.“What did she say!?” He asked.  _

_ “On Thursdays you’ll go home with Mrs. Galloway, you can do your tutoring at her place and then I’ll come get you in time for basketball.” She said. Tyler was elated. Not only did he get to keep his Thursdays but he would get to go to her house, or apartment or whatever. He would get to be somewhere better, more private, alone. His heart hammered, he felt a little light headed at the prospect. His stomach churned but he was sure it was just from excitement.  _

_ It all worked out perfectly. Mom had enough time to pick the other three up, drop Jay at home with Dad, get them food, get Maddy to gymnastics, and then pick up Tyler from Mrs. Galloway’s house and take him and Zack to basketball which was at the high school, which was conveniently really close to Mrs. Galloway’s apartment. Tyler was in heaven, it felt perfect for him, it felt perfect to his mother. It was great.  _

_ Everything fell into place. She told him she was so proud of him for helping convince his mom that he needed to keep being tutored with her and he told her how happy he was to be there. She stroked his hair, her fingernails running gently across his scalp and she whispered that he was a good boy. Tyler shivered every time she said it, whenever he thought about it, it was like he could feel her fingers in his hair again.  _

_ “We’ll always find a way, Ty. I promise. I’ll find a way to be with you.” She told him on that first day in her apartment, when they hadn’t done any homework yet. _

_ “You sure?” _

_ “Yes. I’ll make sure.” _

*

_ “I’ll find a way to be with you.” _ The words now echoed in his head, it made him feel thirteen, it made him feel like he couldn’t claw himself up from the depths of those tainted early teenage years. He felt like he would be trapped in that place forever. He always went there when something triggered him, and today had felt full of those memories. Josh had managed to calm him down even as his mind delved into that space, that flashback of where those days, the worst and best days of his life, had started. 

“Do you want to sit in bed? We could just watch a movie or something?” Josh asked when he finally got Tyler breathing normally, not sobbing into his shoulder or balling his fists up and pushing them into his eyes. Tyler just shrugged but Josh took it upon himself to set it up. He got Tyler’s laptop and set it up on his lofted bed, he organized it so they could both sit up there, backs against the wall and watch the screen. He also brought up a box of Reese’s Puffs for them to snack on if they needed to and then he pushed Tyler to the ladder on the side of the bed. Josh followed him up. It took them moving a bunch, Tyler whining about how it was too hard and the bed shaking and smacking the wall until they were situated.

“Your neighbors probably think you’re getting laid.” Josh joked. Tyler snorted and rubbed at his bloodshot eyes,

“No. Everyone knows I’m a lonely freak.” Tyler said. 

“Well you aren’t alone now. They can think we’re having sex.” Josh said, Tyler’s eyes shot over to him and he watched as Josh’s cheeks went red. It seemed like maybe he realized he shouldn’t have said that. “I mean, it would be funny-”

“Yeah.” Tyler said, nodding. He settled back against the wall and watched the movie start. He barely paid attention to it, he knew Josh was trying to distract him from everything but the problem was, it was impossible to be distracted from this. It was always there in the back of his mind, stoking the anxiety in his chest. The ever churning, ever changing black pit that lashed out at random and felt like it was strangling him when something like this happened. The distractions wouldn’t ever completely work, but now it felt like it wasn’t working at all. Tyler’s mind raced and the lines between being eighteen and watching movies in his dorm room with his best friend and being thirteen and watching movies in his teacher’s king sized bed between kisses blurred. The past felt tangible, it felt like his body was pubescent and not his own, belonging to someone else. It had taken years of therapy to discover it for himself, it had taken so long to find out what it was supposed to be like to feel himself, feel pleasure and happiness in himself and now it felt like that was washing away as the news continued to break over him. 

_ “I’ll find a way to be with you.”  _ What if that was true? What if she tried to find him? To come talk to him? Was he supposed to run from it his whole life, afraid she would show up to a class, to a show, to a friend’s party. His stomach ached and he leaned down, pressing his head into Josh’s shoulder. Tyler felt Josh turn his head to look down at him. Josh didn’t say anything, he just allowed him to stay pressing his face into Josh’s arm. Josh had been his best friend through it all, thank God he was still here, years later to help him through this part. Tyler’s arm was pressed into Josh’s, he was bent to the side, pressing his head into his shoulder but it wasn’t enough. He wanted to feel him even closer, or at least touch him more. His hand itched to reach out and hold Josh’s hand, Tyler could feel it tingle. 

The movie played in the background, Tyler could kind of hear it through the fog of his PTSD flare up and the need to be close to Josh but he wasn’t listening at all. His whole attention was focused on Josh’s arm and hand so close to his own, inches away, easy to take, easy to hold. Right. There. What if he took Josh’s hand? Josh wouldn’t recoil. They had snuggled before. Maybe not something so intimate as hand holding. Hand holding. He longed for the simple, child like feeling of cupping Josh’s hand, feeling his smooth skin, maybe…maybe Josh’s thumb could run over the back of Tyler’s hand. Maybe he could squeeze it a little. Tyler’s mouth was dry and his eyes felt prickling with tears, at the thought of holding his hand. It was distracting him from the thoughts of  _ Her _ more than any movie could. Tyler inched his hand to the left, towards Josh’s. The sides of their arms pressed together, the sides of their legs pressed together, his head in Josh’s shoulder and it  _ still  _ wasn’t enough. Tyler moved his hand over again, closer to Josh’s leg where his hand was resting, waiting there. 

In Josh’s brain, it probably wasn’t as big of a deal as what Tyler was making it out to be, at all. It was probably nothing. Josh wouldn’t mind. Josh wouldn’t think twice about it but Tyler was hyper focusing on this need, and building it up so large in his mind that it scared him and turned him into a puddle of excitement at the same time. Another slight movement towards Josh’s hand. Josh stared at the laptop, either pretending to be unaware or actually blissfully unaware of the plight that afflicted the boy next to him. Josh shifted a little, not away from Tyler, thank God, but even closer, turned even more into him. His hand was less than two inches from Tylers and that space finally seemed surmountable so Tyler swallowed, summoned courage he didn’t have and reached out, grabbing Josh’s hand. 

Josh’s head barely turned in acknowledgement but his hand flipped over immediately twining his fingers around Tylers. Tyler’s heart thundered in his throat and he melted. He was a puddle, he was gelatin legs, pudding body and jiggly goo center. If he had been begging for a distraction, he got it. The world fell away but Tyler stayed grounded with his best friend, clutching his hand and marveling at how good, how innocent and warm it felt to just squeeze his hand.

Basketball was missed. The next days classes were skipped and of course, all phone calls went unanswered. Tyler couldn’t face talking to his mother or father about all of this, he didn’t want to hear his mom cry. He didn’t want the reassurance from his dad. He wanted Josh to tell him it was okay and to stick by his side. But Josh couldn’t stay forever. He stayed over night but he had a shift to go to the next evening, when it came time to say goodbye Tyler cried, begging him to stay, even though he knew Josh couldn’t and he’d never want him to lose his job just to be with Tyler. The thought of being alone was scary. When he was alone he hid in his room, ignoring school, ignoring homework, ignoring basketball, ignoring everything. 

*

It had been nothing but holding hands and yet Josh couldn’t get it out of his head. He had been drumming for an hour and a half in Travis’ rehearsal space, recording bits he really liked on his phone to send to Tyler and the whole time he had been thinking about how they had held hands that night, sitting in the lofted bed in the dorm room. There had been plenty of times they had ended up snuggling or giggled and held onto each other in bed, pretending that it was a joke but for some reason the way Tyler had held his hand this time felt different. It felt…new and exciting. He had to remind himself over and over again that it was because Tyler had been vulnerable and scared. Josh didn’t want to get ahead of himself and think that there was something more when there wasn’t. He couldn’t ruin their friendship, he wouldn’t make Tyler uncomfortable. Tyler had been through plenty, Josh didn’t need to force his own feelings on him. He refocused his attention on drumming. Thoughts of Tyler’s soft hand and the nervous way he had reached out for Josh kept filling his head. He had to stop recording, delete it and start over three times because he kept losing track of the beat. He shook his head, as if the physical motion would dispel thoughts of Tyler. He was halfway through recording his fourth attempt at this drum pattern for Tyler when a voice came from the door, 

“Hey,” Travis stood there, leaning against the doorframe, “Sounds good.” He complimented, smiling at him. Josh stopped drumming and picked up his cell phone, turning off the audio recording.

“Oh, thanks. I was just trying to get something sent to Tyler.”

“Tyler…” Travis said knowingly, smiling at Josh. Josh’s cheeks turned red and he looked away from the older man, reaching up, pulling his backwards cap off, and ruffling the hair on the back of his head. “As in…Tyler, Tyler.” Travis said significantly. Josh swallowed and nodded, replacing the cap on his head. 

“Yeah. That Tyler.” He said. 

“Does he get off to your drumming or something?” Travis asked, shrugging away from the door frame and walking further into the practice room towards Josh. 

Josh rolled his eyes, “No. We’re in a band together.” He said. 

Travis just nodded, his eyes seemed to roam over Josh’s body. Josh shifted a little and then looked back down at his phone, Travis took a few more steps towards Josh’s drum kit, smiling in that knowing way. Josh understood Travis’ body language, he understood why he had come to check on him, why he was complimenting the drumming. He knew what Travis wanted and after holding Tyler’s hand yesterday he wasn’t so sure he wanted that. It sounded like fun but what if the hand holding had been more, what if Tyler didn’t just need comfort and was trying to tell him something? No. No. He had to get that idea out of his head. He had to. Tyler wasn’t into him, Tyler was just messed up, sad and needed his best friend for comfort. 

“Well, I should try and get this recorded and sent to Tyler…so…”

“You’re really hung up on him, aren’t you?” Travis asked, raising his eyebrows.

“I am not! Tyler just…the band is super important to him and he would really appreciate hearing some of the work I’m putting into it.” Josh said. 

“But you would rather be putting it into him, right?” Travis asked, grinning at his own cleverness. “Oh wait, the other way around, you’re kind of a little slut, you want him putting it into you.” Travis said walking around the drums and coming to stand right behind Josh. Josh swallowed, swiveling on his drum stool to look up at Travis. He knew Travis was right. He knew he was completely hung up on Tyler. Josh looked away, not wanting to admit it but giving it away by his expressions, eventually he managed to look back up,

“Shut up. I’m not…its fine. Tyler isn’t-”

“He isn’t gay?” 

“Well, I guess I don’t know but he isn’t into me and honestly, I should get the fuck over him.” Josh said, trying not to hate those words, trying to become used to them. He was just so wrapped up in Tyler, and could barely concentrate on any other people in his life. How many times had Brendon made it obvious he wanted to hang out with him? How often had Claire hinted at wanting a date? And yet, he never focused on either of them, the only other person he focused on was his douchebag boss who just wanted to fuck him, because he happened to kind of look like Tyler. Because he cared so little about Josh that he didn’t mind Josh calling him a different name when they fucked. It was all fucked up, he wished it was different but it wasn’t. He was kind of hoping Travis would reassure him, or tell him it was okay or that he would move on eventually but Travis shrugged,

“Yeah, you kind of do. It’s a little pathetic.” He said. Josh felt anger and embarrassment bubble in his stomach, he looked away, back at his hands one holding the two drumsticks, the other holding his phone. 

“I guess I’m pathetic.” Josh said, sounding sad. 

“Whatever. I’m not here to listen to you whine about your problems. Do you wanna suck my dick, or not?” Travis asked.

“No.” Josh said, looking away.

“You can call me Tyler all you want and I won’t even call you pathetic.” He offered. “How does that sound, Jish?” 

“No.” Josh said again a little more firmly. Travis rolled his eyes and took a step away.

“Fine.” He said. “Remember you have a shift tomorrow at two.” He said before turning around and walking out without another word. Josh dropped his phone onto the carpeted floor and then let his head fall into his hands, still trying to hold his drumsticks too. They pressed into his face, smelling like wood and hand sweat. Travis was completely right. He was pathetic. 

When he finally managed to pull his head up, he reached down and took his phone off of the floor, he had a text message.

**Claire: Okay, this is going to sound really lame but I have like…two hours to kill before my shift and I’m close to your place and I don’t want to sit alone in a coffee shop for two hours sooo do you wanna hang out?**

**Josh: Yes. **

*

During the second week of October Tyler told himself he would go to all of his classes that week. He made the promise to himself because he was convinced distracting himself with work, and with people around him would make him feel better. So he dragged himself to his 9 AM Psychology class. He even decided to sit more towards the middle rather than the back row. He was proud of himself, he had managed to be dressed, grab a granola bar and an apple on his way out, buy a Red Bull at the little shop just outside of his lecture hall, and still get to class early. He got out his syllabus, which he honestly hadn’t looked at since the beginning of the semester, and his notebook, which had nothing written in it, and a pencil. He cracked open his Red Bull and sipped it. He was already feeling antsy in the big open room, there weren’t tons of people there yet which made it easier to look at each face and recognize it as not  _ Her _ face. That was good. Of course it was silly to think she’d be sitting on a college psychology class but then again, what if she knew he went here. No. No. There was no way. He let out the breath he had been holding and tried to remind himself that he was safe, that he was okay. He still watched the door and every time it opened he studied the face that walked in. 

He watched a guy in a full University track suit, obviously an athlete, and a girl in yoga pants walk in together. He watched them walk up to the row in front of him, they sat down right in front of him. The girl pulled out her laptop and he could see her looking through facebook. He looked away, watching as the TA for the class came in and started to organize the professor’s papers on their table. Tyler half listened to their conversation, half focused on the other people coming into the room. 

“Did you hear about this?” The girl asked, referring to something on her computer. The guy leaned over to look at it and snorted with laughter. Tyler’s eyes snapped back to them, curious about what she had on her computer. He couldn’t quite see, it was something on facebook but he didn’t want it to seem like he was obviously looking over her shoulder.

“Yeah, I lived like two towns over from there.” The guy said, “My mom sent me that this morning.” He added. 

“Fucked up, isn’t it?” The girl asked. 

“What? That she’s getting out of jail or that she did that to that kid?” The guy asked. Tyler’s stomach flipped and he felt completely petrified, sitting stiff in his seat. He could feel his heart rate increase and his palms started to sweat. His head was spinning, he had thought he would be away from this in class, he thought class would be a distraction but here he was, faced with it. Faced with this conversation. 

“Both!” The girl said. The guy shrugged,

“I don’t know…that kid is so fucking lucky.” He laughed, “I mean, first of all, did you see her picture? She’s hot. Second of all, that’s every guy’s dream and he got to live it.” He finished. Tyler felt sick to his stomach, he wanted to scream, he was shaking and the place felt entirely too claustrophobic even though it was a huge lecture hall. His thoughts sped away to memories,

_ “Just means you’re a stud,”  _

_ “I don’t understand why you’re so upset.” _

_ “But he enjoyed it?” _

_ “Didn’t you get off with her? Doesn’t that mean you liked it?”  _

_ “Dude! You’re so lucky!”  _

The girl was quiet for a moment looking at the guy. If Tyler had been paying attention to her facial expression maybe he would have seen the curl of her lip that indicated disgust,

“I mean he was only like thirteen…” She said, sounding a little irritated. Tyler wanted to shout that he had only been twelve when it started. 

“I would have loved to get with my Spanish teacher when I was thirteen…seems stupid that people are so up in arms when the guy is probably proud of it.” He shrugged. 

_ “So you’re probably really good at sex now.” _

_ “Son, are you sure you didn’t enjoy it?” _

_ “She’s so hot!” _

Tyler could only hear the memories of words that continued to scar him throughout highschool, the people who didn’t understand, the people who didn’t see the things that were wrong. The people who blamed him, the bad therapists, the defense attorneys, the police, the misinformed friends. His head spun and before he could stop himself he was haphazardly gathering his things up. He shoved his notebook and pencil away, he tried to grab his Red Bull but he knocked it over, spilling it over the table. It ran down onto the guy’s shoulder, he jumped and looked around,

“S-Sorry.” Tyler said but he left the can and was already rushing towards the door, holding his backpack in his hands. 

“-the fuck!” The guy said but Tyler didn’t hear anymore, he slammed into a girl coming into the lecture hall. 

“Sorry,” he said again before rushing through the door and stumbling. People looked at him funny, he threw on his backpack, one of the pockets still hanging open and made for the exit of the building. Once he was outside in the bright morning light, he felt no better. He still felt like he couldn’t breathe, he was still surrounded by bad memories. The black ball of anxiety was the largest it had been in years and years, it felt like it would swallow him at any second. All of the sides of it pressed into him, sticking him with its pointy edges, threatening to engulf his whole being. Why couldn’t he just forget all of those terrible things? Why couldn’t he erase it all? He would if he could. He would erase it from his brain and then he would never know it had happened, he’d forget, everyone around him would be at ease and he could float on with no memories of her. How do you erase memories?

Would it be worth it to erase everything? He could get rid of all of his thoughts, all his memories, all his emotions, he could find relief there. He could find relief in white light of nothingness. His heart raced and he found his feet moving fast towards his dorm while his thoughts circled fast around the hope of peace after suicide. Would there really be peace though? He had always been Christian, his faith had wavered throughout his teenage years but was the risk of the wrath of God worth it? If he killed himself, wouldn’t he go to hell? Even if he didn’t kill himself he would probably go to hell, he had done nothing worth Heaven in his life. He had had sex before marriage, he had lusted, coveted, been sinful in almost all aspects of his life and even if he had been forgiven…there was a chance of hell. Would he even be able to find relief in Heaven, if that was where he went? He would have all of his memories and he would still be who he is. He would be in turmoil even after death. Unless there was just oblivion. Sweet oblivion. 

Tyler found himself back at his dorm much sooner than he had expected, he hadn’t realized it but he had been nearly jogging. When he got into his room, Preston was still sleeping. Good, Tyler wouldn’t have to make conversation. He dropped his bag quietly onto his desk and crawled up into his bed. His arms wrapped around his pillow and he buried his face into it. It dampened the sound of his sobs. He hadn’t thought of suicide in years and even then it had never been with such longing. It scared him. His hands shook and he squeezed the pillow even tighter to stop the shaking. Maybe it was a good thing that his thoughts scared him, maybe that meant he was still fighting. He needed someone. The only person he liked right now was Josh and he was far away and probably working. 

He wasn’t supposed to need Josh in the way he felt like he needed him. Josh didn’t need him in that way. Tyler was absolutely pathetic. He was pathetic and unworthy of Josh. Josh was good, whole, kind, smart and capable. Tyler was a crumbling pile of pathetic loser. He was going to flunk college because he couldn’t manage to stay in class just because of bad memories. Tyler tugged the pillow out from underneath him and put it over his head. Maybe he would just suffocate here and die in his dorm room bed. It was all he deserved. Josh could find a best friend who deserved him and eventually a lover who was right for him. Tyler was embarrassed to admit how jealous that made him. Josh would think he was a freaky, obsessive, loser if he knew how much he longed for him. Everything was falling apart and Tyler was letting it. It was his fault in so many ways. His phone buzzed and after a long time of willing himself to check he looked,

**Jish: How’s your day going? I’ve got some drumming stuff to show you. Can’t wait to see you this weekend. **

*

The nightmare was inescapable and the worst one he had had in a long time. In the nightmare, he was in her apartment. He was simultaneously eighteen and thirteen. It was in the hours before everything had slipped out to his mother. He just knew this. His sleeping mind could conjure up the exact feeling of her apartment on his last day there. It was March, all the snow had melted and there was a cold rain pouring onto her deck. Donnie Darko was playing on the television, it was one of Tyler’s favorite movies, his parents never allowed him to watch it so he only ever watched it with Heather. He could smell her signature blueberry muffins baking in the oven, she had baked them that day so he could bring them home to his parents as an Anniversary gift for them from her. While they sat on the couch and Tyler watched the movie Heather had put her hand down his shorts. He was already dressed for basketball, his mom would be there in fifteen minutes to get him, they had already done a lot. It had happened multiple times that day, Tyler was tired, his stomach hurt and he had to go to basketball. He knew better than trying to say no to her though so his eyes glazed and he stared at the movie while she pumped her hand over his cock in his pants. He was hard because he couldn’t help it,

“Come on, Tyler, I want to make you come again.” She whispered. Tyler’s brow furrowed and he tried to make himself get there.

“Don’t you think I’m pretty? Don’t you like it?” She asked.

“I do.” He replied, his voice echoed funnily. “But it’s…it’s frustrating.” He said. His subconscious brain conjured up the exact words he had used, that whole afternoon and evening was burned into his brain forever. “I can’t…it’s just not coming.” His voice was weak, his heart hurt, he felt tearful, he was aching down there and he was starting to go soft.

“Tyler, calm down. Come on, don’t get soft, you know you want to one more time.” She said. Tyler wasn’t sure he did. His head pressed back into the couch and he turned his head. It was no longer just her sitting on the couch next to him. Josh was there now too. Josh, somehow both thirteen and nineteen, sitting on the couch, looking at Tyler. Tyler, all flushed in the face, with her hand in his pants. Humiliation made him drop his gaze as Josh witnessed the scene that Tyler was most ashamed of. Heather tugged his shorts down enough to expose him to her and to Josh. Tyler squirmed, 

“Heather, no…not now. Not in front of Josh.” Tyler whined, trying to pick up his shorts again. This was different now, this is not how this day went, Josh was never supposed to be there. 

“Come on, silly. I bet Josh likes it.” Heather said. 

“No! I don’t like it. I don’t…Josh…” Tyler felt sick and afraid because he couldn’t move or get up. Josh still just watched him and Tyler reached out for him but he couldn’t reach him, she was stopping him somehow. Her hand went into Josh’s pants now too, touching Josh even though Tyler could still feel it on himself as well. The memory of her hand stroking his most private part and he watched as she touched Josh in the way he knew logically she had only touched Tyler. Jealousy surged through him and he was no longer sure who he was jealous of. Heather for getting to touch Josh or Josh for getting Heather’s attention. The thought of being jealous of Josh for that sent a shiver of shame through him. No, he didn’t want it, but Josh shouldn’t have it either. 

Why wasn’t his mother here yet? She was supposed to get him now! This was how this day had gone, she called Heather and Heather sent him out to his mom and he couldn’t hold it together any longer. He cried and spilled what had happened. But she wasn’t calling, the phone on the table was silent and Josh was still there, looking at Tyler naked from the waist down while Heather touched Josh and he got red in the face. 

Tyler reached out for Josh, trying to grab his hand, to remind Josh of what was wrong with this but Heather pushed Tyler’s hand away and Tyler couldn’t move it anymore. She stopped him from getting anywhere close to Josh. He couldn’t move, he struggled to stand, he wanted to go to the door, he wanted to pull his pants up, he wanted to cry out. He wanted to wake up. He wanted it to be over but now he watched as she did everything to Josh, everything that had happened on that fateful rainy March day to Tyler was now happening to Josh and Tyler couldn’t stop it. He couldn’t get away and he could feel her palm against his cock and there were voices asking him where she had touched him. Her grip on him got tighter and tighter. It hurt and was shifting, moving, pulsating in his body. It hurt and was good and was bad and was hard, soft, warm, light, cold, pressured, painful, delicious, wet, fear inducing, pleasureful, and lonely. 

He woke tangled in his sheets, sweat dripping down the back of his neck. He felt weird, wrong, and he hated it but he was a little hard. He shoved his hand under the blankets and into his pants, for a second he thought he might touch himself but instead he grabbed his inner thigh and dug his nails in as hard as he could, squeezing until it hurt so much that he went soft. He flopped back against the bed and covered his face with shaking hands, trying to calm down. 

*

Josh showed up that weekend with tickets to a concert. It was for a few smallish local bands but the concert would be fun and he insisted that Tyler come out and have a good time.

“You should just go with someone who will actually be fun to be around.” Tyler tried to say as Josh forced him to put on decent clothing and fix his hair.

“You are fun to be around, you’re my best friend and we’ll have a good time.” Josh insisted as he tied up his shoes and waited for Tyler to put on deodorant. “Chris is going to be there, don’t you think it’ll be good to see him?” Josh asked.

“No.” Tyler said flatly. 

“Yes, it will.” Josh put his arm around Tyler’s shoulder and squeezed his arm. They left the dorm and walked to the little venue that was just outside of campus in downtown Columbus. It was only about a fifteen minute walk from Tyler’s dorm, and as they walked, Tyler found himself starting to get a little excited at the prospect of live music. The doors were already open and they went in together, getting their hands stamped at the door to signify that they weren’t old enough for alcohol.

“Are you sure we have to hang out with Chris?” Tyler asked as they headed onto the floor. Josh rolled his eyes,

“He’s one of your best friends, you can’t shut him out forever.” He said.

“Oh I beg to differ, Jishwa.” Tyler said, crossing his arms over his chest and looking around. At least it wasn’t Chris  _ and _ Nick. Tyler didn’t think he’d be able to handle both of his ex band mates in one night. Not to mention he was barely talking to Nick even when they were at basketball together so it would probably be really awkward. 

“Hey!” Josh said looking over Tyler’s shoulder as Chris walked over. 

“Hey guys!” Chris said, Tyler turned around and nodded, unsmiling at Chris who he kind of considered an ex-friend at this point. 

“How’s it going?” Chris asked, grabbing hands with Josh and essentially bumping their chests together in a bro hug. 

“Pretty good, just excited to get the hermit out for a night,” Josh said, giving Tyler a little shove. Tyler shot him a glare, a little irritated that Josh would even bring up his hermetic existence in front of Chris. Chris laughed and held his hand out to Tyler,

“Nice to see you, buddy! It’s been a while.” He said. Tyler reluctantly took it and gave him the same non-committal hug and stepped back quickly. 

“Yeah, it is.” He said. 

“How have you been?” Chris asked, smiling. Tyler wanted to roll his eyes, everyone knew what a shitty time he had been having. It was obvious if you had half a brain. But then again, maybe Chris didn’t. 

“Pretty shitty.” Tyler said, looking directly into Chris’ eyes. Chris looked away from him and Josh cleared his throat,

“All the more reason to have a good time.” He said. 

“Speaking of a good time,” Chris said, he lifted up his hand, showing off a clean back of his hand.

“How did you not get stamped at the door?” Josh asked.

“I did but it comes right off with soap and water and they will definitely serve you if you aren’t stamped.” He explained. Josh looked at Tyler. Tyler was sure that Josh wouldn’t care if they drank or not but for some reason tonight he wanted to get drunk. Maybe being drunk could mimic oblivion. Maybe drinking could dull that sharp black ball of anxiety in his chest. Over the last few weeks that ball had tripled in size and grown more spikes. Tyler would do pretty much anything to get rid of it, or shrink it at this point. Maybe alcohol could dull the spikes sticking into him from the inside. 

“Let’s do it.” Tyler said, he turned and lead Josh back towards the bathrooms. They slipped in and made sure no one was around to watch them scrub their hands clean. Tyler used burning hot water and a bunch of soap to get the stamp off of the back of his hand. Chris had been right, it came off easily which seemed like an oversight on the bar’s part. Josh glanced over at him as they stood next to each other at the sinks,

“Are you sure you want to drink? I kind of thought you didn’t like drinking?” he asked.

“I don’t.” Tyler said, turning off the water and moving around to grab a paper towel. “I also don’t like feeling things. So. Maybe alcohol can make me not feel.” He shrugged and turned away, walking to the bathroom door. He didn’t hear Josh following at first but by the time he had made it up to the bar Josh was right behind him. They both ordered vodka Red Bulls which were disgusting but they got the job done. 

Tyler guzzled his first drink, so much so that the bartender gave him a funny look when he went back to order another one. They had thankfully lost Chris in the crowd of people now so it was just him and Josh. Which was what he preferred. He would be happy if every other person in the venue just disappeared without a trace and left them alone. 

“Should we go find Chris?” Josh asked while they waited for the show to start.

“No! I don’t wanna see him.” Tyler said.

“Come on dude,” Josh said, looking away. 

“No! Can…can it please just be us?” Tyler asked. 

“I mean, we’re surrounded by people right now.” Josh said, not really understanding what Tyler meant. Tyler gave him a look,

“I just want to hang out with you and watch the show with you, I don’t need Chris around. He puts me in a bad mood.” He said. Josh sighed and sipped his drink, not wanting to fight Tyler on that.

“Yeah, of course. It can just be us.” He said. Tyler raised his glass to him and smiled around the cup, drinking it down way too quickly again.

By the time the lights in the venue went down and the show started, Tyler was pretty drunk. He cheered loudly, clapping and hollering for the band as they came out and started to play. The two of them stood in the crowd with their drinks, listening to the music, and as it got later and they drank more, the songs got better and they started dancing. Crazy dancing. Drunken dancing on Tyler’s part. He flailed his arms, sending droplets of his drink cascading down. He threw his head back and laughed as he got jostled by the crowd. He jumped up and down and grabbed Josh’s arm to steady himself when he almost fell over. They held onto each other’s arms to stay together in the crowd and Tyler continuously got drunker. He nearly knocked a girl down as he flailed and danced, putting his hands up, moving his feet, jumping and trying to spin around. During the break between bands Josh pulled Tyler close and leaned into him to speak into his ear,

“Are you okay?” he asked.

“Yeah! I’m having a good time.” He laughed, “I mean I’m a little thirsty if you know what I mean,” He tapped his empty cup as if it hadn’t been obvious about what he meant.

“I don’t think you need anymore.” Josh said, shaking his head. Tyler’s brow furrowed and he shook his head, looking kind of angry but then he snorted with laughter,

“You’re funny, Jish, really funny.” He reached up and grabbed Josh’s bicep, giving it a squeeze before pushing past him to go over to the bar again. Josh followed along after him, he got caught behind a group of people and by the time he got to the bar Tyler had already ordered the drink from the bartender. Josh watched Tyler receive the drink and start sipping it, making a loud slurping noise as he did. Josh hurried to Tyler’s side and reached out for the cup,

“Seriously Ty, you’ve had enough. Come on, let's just go watch the show.” Josh said, the next band was setting up and would be coming out pretty soon.

“I’m fine, Jish! Seriously! Fine!” he kept his grip on the drink and tried tilting it back to pour more into his throat as Josh tried to tug it from his hands. 

“Tyler, you’re being irrational.” Josh said through slightly gritted teeth,

“You’re being no fun. I bet you’d have fun with Chris!” Tyler accused. Josh glared at him and let go of the drink,

“What does that even mean?” Josh asked. Tyler shrugged and raised an eyebrow,

“Its whatever you think it means.” He said. Josh rolled his eyes as Tyler took a glug of his drink and looked around towards the stage,

“That didn’t even make sense, Ty.” Josh said. Tyler wasn’t paying attention though, his eyes were glued on a spot in the venue. The cup was hovering by his lips, held there as his eyes focused on something.

“What?” Josh asked, looking in the direction Tyler was looking. Tyler couldn’t breathe, he had sworn that he had seen- but why would that be? He stared at the back of her head. Pretty long brown hair, a cute dress, and the dimple in her cheek. No. That couldn’t be-why would she be here?! Would she really be here because of him? He lowered the glass and his hand trembled so badly that it was in danger of shaking out of his hand. 

“Tyler…earth to Tyler! Buddy!” Josh waved his hand in front of Tyler’s face. Tyler shoved it out of the way because the person had turned towards the bar, facing them and Tyler needed to see her face. When his eyes refocused on her in the crowd a strange combination of relief and disappointment flooded through him. It wasn’t her. He felt immediately better but then, scared. What if she was here though? What if she did show up? 

“Tyler!” Josh said, giving his shoulder a shake, in his inebriated state Tyler stumbled and then turned back to Josh, his brow was furrowed and he shook his head,

“I thought I saw- I thought…what if she’s here, Josh?” Tyler swallowed.

“What? Tyler…she’s not…”

“You don’t know that!” Tyler whined and he stumbled backwards. In a familiar rush he could feel his heart rate pick up and then his lungs began to work extra hard to provide oxygen to his brain. Tyler tilted his head back, trying to remember coping mechanisms but they were all drained from his brain. He could never think of them in times like this. 

“Tyler, its okay. Chill. She’s not going to be here,” he said.

“You don’t…don’t know.” Tyler ran his fingers through his hair and then immediately pulled the cup up to his mouth to take a sip. Josh reached out and took it from him. Tyler didn’t fight him this time. 

“You don’t need that.” He said. “Let’s get out of here,” He said suddenly. Tyler felt affection flood his veins, Josh eased the ball of anxiety much better than alcohol had. Tyler swallowed, his eyes darting away from him and then he shook his head 

“No…you don’t want to…we don’t have to. You got us these tickets.” He said. 

“No. Tyler. It’s okay, let’s go.” Josh said. Tyler swallowed but nodded and took a step towards the exit, he stumbled and Josh reached out and caught his arm. “It’s going to be okay, Tyler. It’s okay.” Josh said quietly. As they walked out, the second band took the stage and the loud music started. 

In the fresh air, Tyler still didn’t sober up. He stumbled badly as soon as Josh let go of him. Josh wrapped his arm around Tyler’s waist and Tyler put his arm over Josh's shoulder and they started the trek back to the dorms. 

“I-I’m so-sorry, Josh.” Tyler slurred, his head lolling forward. The alcohol he had drunk so quickly at the end was catching up with him and he got drunker by the step. 

“Its okay, Tyler.” Josh said as he practically held his best friend up. 

“No, it’s not. Nothing is okay. Everything is shit. My brain is filled with mush and I’m nothing but sludgy loser.” He said, shaking his head. Josh sighed and rubbed Tyler’s side as they walked. 

“You’re not a loser and your brain is not mush. You’re smart. But it’s okay to feel like this sometimes.” He said. Each step was getting harder and harder, Tyler was leaning into Josh. His head curled up towards the crook of Josh’s neck. Both of them were a little stooped as they swerved and swayed on the sidewalk. Josh had to stop a couple times to try to figure out where they were and what direction they needed to go.

“Tyler, is it this street?” Josh asked.

“I’m useless, Josh. Just…useless.” Tyler whined, pressing his nose against Josh’s cheek.

“No, you aren’t. Is it Maple Street?” He asked. 

“I think so- but I’m useless.” He hiccuped and Josh turned up Maple, luckily he saw Tyler’s dorm in the distance and headed for it like it was a shining beacon in the night. Tyler nearly fell over once as he tripped over his own feet and that almost pulled Josh down too. 

“Tyler, come on, we’re close.” Josh said. “Then we can figure it out. It’s going to be fine. I promise. I’m here,” he said.

“Lucky me, Josh. I’m so lucky. I don’t deserve you. I really don’t. I don’t deserve anything.” Tyler said. Josh managed to get them to the door, and then to lean Tyler against the wall outside the dorm. Tyler had the key to get into the building so Josh searched Tyler’s pockets, shoving his hands into Tyler’s tight jean pockets and fishing around.

“Mmm, Josh.” Tyler sighed. Josh swallowed and looked up at Tyler’s face, his eyes were glassy and he was actually smiling a little. 

“Where’s your key?” Josh asked. Tyler haphazardly searched his pockets and extracted his key, presenting it to Josh. Josh got them into the building and finally down the hallway to Tyler’s room. Once inside he was faced with the task of getting Tyler up the ladder and into his bed. 

“Can you climb the ladder?” he asked. Tyler leaned hard against the wall by the door as Josh stood by the bed, wondering if he got into the bed if he’d be able to pull Tyler up, it seemed unlikely. 

“I can’t do anything. I’m use-” He started to say but josh interrupted him by marching over to him and grabbed the back of his neck, he pulled Tyler close to him, their foreheads pressed together. 

“You are not useless. I don’t want to hear that bullshit again, do you understand?” 

“But Jish-”

“No! You’re insulting my best friend and I don’t want to fucking hear it. Can you climb the ladder or am I dragging you up there?” he asked. Tyler’s face twisted in pain and in heartache. Josh could see it written there, Tyler took a deep breath, trying not to cry and nodded. Josh wasn’t sure if that was an answer but together they managed to get Tyler into bed. 

Josh spent the next fifteen minutes gathering supplies, ibuprofen, a giant water bottle, a bowl in case Tyler needed to puke and plain crackers. When everything was together he climbed into bed with Tyler again. Tyler had his arm thrown over his face to block out the light and his shoulders were shaking with sobs. Josh sighed and sank down as best he could in the lofted bed close to Tyler and forced him to drink water. He helped him out of his shoes and even unbuttoned and unzipped his pants for him when he whined about wanting to be more comfortable. 

Then when the all the necessary things were taken care of Josh wrapped Tyler up in his arms and let him sob into his chest. Thankfully Preston didn’t come back tonight, because they were up well into the night with Tyler crying on and off, occasionally gagging and Josh feeding him water. 

  
  


*

October turned from cool mornings with blue skies to a constant grey, temperatures dropping and rain pouring all throughout the evenings. Tyler’s mood plummeted with the temperatures and he struggled through doing the bare minimum for his classes, and missing way too many basketball practices. Most of the time he sat in his dorm, closing himself off and finding himself incapable of reaching out to anyone besides Josh. He texted him constantly, always letting him know what he was thinking and how he felt. Josh started making Tyler list the little successes of the day to him, whether it was getting to a class, finishing a piece of homework, or making it to basketball practice. Josh always made sure Tyler talked about those good things and told Tyler he believed in him. Tyler kept ignoring emails from his coach about how he couldn’t keep missing practice and Tyler made up every excuse in the book. He was sure his coach wasn’t buying it anymore. Nick had given up texting him to ask if he was okay or if he was going to be around. Tyler continued to barely answer his mother’s persistent questions, he dodged her worries and pushed her away. Josh was the only person he wanted, he obsessed over every text he got from Josh. Tyler focused on their plans for the Christmas break and then for next summer when they could focus heavily on the band, that was all that drove him forward. The thought of making music, of putting his dreams into action and of spending every waking second with Josh. 

He needed Josh in the way an addict might need their drug. He was okay as long as he knew that Josh would answer as soon as he was off of work but if it went an hour without Josh answering for no explainable reason Tyler got nervous and twitchy. It wasn’t healthy, he knew that. He knew that he had to work on it so he didn’t terrify Josh, so he didn’t irritate him or make him push away. So he worked on telling himself that Josh would always be there, even if it took a while. It helped but he relied on those conversations. He counted the hours until the next time they could see each other. 

On a Wednesday Tyler had been saying to himself, “Only 56 hours until Josh comes.” “Only 53 hours until Josh comes.” “Only 48 hours until Josh comes.” He had a scrimmage that night for basketball and the only way he told himself it would be okay was knowing that by the time it was over it would be 45 hours until Josh came. 

What made everything a million times worse was a text he received from his mom two hours before the scrimmage,

**Mom: Hi! Dad and I are coming to your scrimmage and we want to take you to dinner after! Cant wait to see you!**

There was no way he could get her to change her mind without her knowing there was something really wrong. Then there would be a million questions. Tyler was terrified to see his parents, not only would they probably be able to tell how awful he was feeling but they would see how bad he was at basketball now. 

When he got to the arena where the basketball courts were on campus, his coach told him he was benched for the game. At first there was an immediate relief, thank God, he wouldn’t have to humiliate himself on the court. His parents wouldn’t see how bad he had become. Then he realized that they would have questions about why he was benched. He was benched because he hadn’t been at enough practices. His parents would be furious, he could try to lie but they both understood basketball. They understood he was good at it, or at least used to be, they understood that the only reason to bench him was because he had done something wrong. They would see right through that lie. 

Nick got to play in the game and Tyler had to watch him. He had to sit there and know that his parents were upset with him. He could feel that his parents kept looking at him, it made him squirmy. They saw him there, noticing that he was sitting on the sidelines, that he kept not being put in. Every time there was a time out he was sure they got excited but he knew he wasn’t going in. Tyler barely paid attention to the game, he stared at the clock, watching the time run down. He hated every whistle blow because it meant he would sit there longer and longer with his parents eyes boring into the back of his head. When the game ended with them winning, he stared straight ahead. 

Now that the game was over he focused properly on the anxiety of talking with his parents. He almost didn’t want to leave the locker room. His mom had texted him telling him to meet them out front at the arena. He wanted to put it off as long as possible, he took his time changing, he sat and listened intently to the coach’s post-scrimmage talk and tried to actually take in his words. He was sure everyone on the team knew him as this flaky freshmen who had been good and then suddenly dropped off the face of the planet. Being with them always made him feel guilty. He was sure he was very close to being kicked off the team, he hated the feeling of judgement from other people and yet he stayed in the locker room till the last possible second. The anxiety of being a disappointment to his parents outweighing the anxiety about judgement from his peers. Eventually he couldn’t stall any longer so he left and headed out of the arena. He saw his parents waiting for him, he wished he could feel properly excited to see them but it was all dampened.

“Tyler!” Kelly said, she reached out for him as soon as he was close and wrapped her arms around him. He leaned down and hugged her, 

“Hi Mom,” he said. 

“I feel like its been months since I’ve even talked to you. I’ve missed you so much!” she said, clinging to him. It made his heart ache, he felt terrible. Seriously terrible. He couldn’t bring himself to talk to his mom for too long at a time, it made him upset, it made him feel like she would be able to tell something was wrong. 

“I’m sorry, I’ve been busy.” He said. He finally broke away from his mom and turned to his father,

“Hey Dad!” he said, trying to sound happy. Chris hugged him and told him he was happy to see him. Tyler smiled.

“So should we go somewhere around here?” Tyler asked. 

“Yeah, just take us to your favorite place!”Chris said. Favorite place. The only place he went was chipotle. He started to walk towards the restaurants, there were a couple places he had heard were good from other people that he would offer as options. 

“So what’s up with being benched today?” Chris asked as they walked. Tyler knew it had been coming. He looked down, his feet were dragging, he didn’t want to go sit at dinner with them. He didn’t want to hear their disappointment but he knew he had to. He chewed his lower lip,

“Um…” He swallowed as he stopped outside this thai place that he thought they could go into it. “I guess I’ve just um…missed a few practices.” He said. 

“A few?” Kelly asked. Tyler opened the door to the restaurant to buy himself some time. They were seated right away in a corner by the window. It was fairly busy but not super loud. Tyler wished it was loud so it’d be hard to talk. He looked down at the white table cloth and fiddled with the menu in his hands. Maybe his mom would drop that question now, maybe she forgot she had asked and they could just move on. “What did you mean a few?” She asked again as soon as the hostess left. 

“I don’t know....I’ve missed some practice, I didn’t feel well for a couple days-”

“Doesn’t being sick get excused though?” Chris interjected. Tyler’s face went pale and his heart pounded in his chest. 

“Yeah but, I just missed some more days too. I haven’t been you know, loving it. I wish I was-”

“What do you mean you haven’t been loving it? Tyler this is basketball, this is your thing! This was the plan.” Kelly said. The waitress came over then, asking for drink orders. Tyler happily pretended to be unsure of the type of drinks they had. He asked what kind of soda they served and annoyingly she just said “Coke Products” instead of listing them off to him. Eventually he couldn’t hold her there anymore so he just got a water. He couldn’t even focus on what his parents got. He had hoped maybe they would be able to talk about the menu now that there had been a couple minutes of a break but his mom and dad were both just looking at him expectantly. When he didn’t immediately keep talking Kelly reached out and squeezed his hand,

“Tyler, you can talk to us.” She said. Tyler felt sick so he pulled his hand away from her, burying it in his lap, feeling again like he was still thirteen years old.

“I know, I still want to do it…I just was having a hard time.” He muttered. 

His parents were relieved to hear that he still wanted to play basketball, it was a lie and they bought it. He felt bad but he couldn’t help it, there was no way around it. He chewed his lower lip and listened as his father began to lecture him about how it was unacceptable to be missing basketball practice and there was no good reason for him to be benched and how he needed to answer his phone more often and how if they found out he was partying they would be seriously disappointed in him.

“It sounds like you already are disappointed in me.” Tyler managed to say over their food when Chris finally ran out of steam.

“Of course we aren’t.” Kelly said.

“Tyler, it’s disappointing to come see you play for the first time all semester and have you be benched. We understand that you’ve had a lot going on over the last month but you need to pull yourself together.” Chris said. Tyler wanted to cry. Now the black ball of anxiety in his chest didn’t just grow on it’s own, people added to it, building it up by adding their own worries to it. He felt like eventually he would be more anxiety than Tyler. He looked away from his parents and then down at his pad thai. He wasn’t hungry anymore. In fact, he felt sick to his stomach. 

“What are you doing this weekend?” Kelly asked cheerfully trying to change the topic. 

“Oh, Josh is coming,” Tyler said. 

“Didn’t Josh come last weekend?” Chris asked, meeting Tyler’s eye. Tyler hurriedly looked away because something in his father’s tone felt accusatory. 

“Yeah, he did.” Tyler admitted. Chris sighed,

“This is why you’re struggling at school, Ty. You keep only hanging out with Josh. You don’t spend time with Nick or other basketball players and you are constantly concerned about Josh and what he’s doing.” He said. Kelly looked at Chris, a little taken aback by this it seemed but Tyler just stared at his food. 

“Josh is my best friend.” He offered to his father, as if this would be enough of an explanation. No. It wasn’t. His dad was right, he was just letting himself be a loser, clinging to his highschool best friend.

“You need to make other friends, participate in college, maybe even…I don’t know…meet some girls for once.” He said. It came out sounding a lot worse than Tyler was sure his dad meant it but it still stung. “You can’t be obsessed with Josh forever.” 

The words echoed around his head and he tried to choke down his food. His mom was quiet for the rest of the meal and he wondered if what his dad had said upset her. It had upset Tyler and all he could think about what a disappointment of an eldest son he was. 

*

The weekend finally rolled around and Tyler’s internal countdown to when Josh would be here ran out. Preston was home for the weekend so they had the dorm to themselves for the entire weekend. Halloween was the next week, and there were tons of parties around campus, but Tyler requested staying in. Josh agreed under the conditions of Chipotle and shared rum, which he’d gotten from Travis. They spent the late afternoon and into the evening Friday working on music. They wrote, worked on the sound they wanted, Josh showed Tyler videos he had taken of his drumming, and Tyler shared a few songs he had written over the last while. They discussed the sound of their first album together and ideas of where they could potentially record it. Once they were hungry enough they got chipotle and ended up sitting on the couch in front of the television eating chips and guac and watching the X-Files which Tyler had almost no interest in but Josh loved so he was happy to watch it. They made themselves rum and cokes, played video games and got comfortably tipsy. Tyler had told himself he wouldn’t get as drunk as he had the weekend before ever again but being a little tipsy with Josh was nice. Josh kept elbowing him to try and get him to drop his controller or mess up because Tyler usually kicked Josh’s ass at video games. 

“My guy keeps walking into a wall,” Josh complained.

“Well you keep walking him into a wall, you idiot.” Tyler teased.

“How do I turn-oh okay, like that.” Josh said, finally figuring out the most round about way to get his character to turn and start walking away from the wall. Tyler laughed and nudged Josh, his elbow sticking into Josh’s ribs. Josh giggled and squirmed away,

“Don’t, I’m ticklish there.” He said. 

“You’re ticklish all over,” Tyler said, he had known that for as long as he had known Josh and he kind of wished he had to guts to reach over and try to tickle him but he was sure Josh would think it was weird. They got sucked back into their game and when given the opportunity to mess with Josh, Tyler took it, reaching out to push him or grab his arm. Josh got fed up with this eventually and reached over and grabbed the controller out of Tyler’s hands, 

“Hey!” Tyler laughed, lunging for it. Josh grinned and held it away. Tyler launched himself across Josh’s lap, reaching for the controller, 

“Don’t think I wont attack you, Dun!” Tyler laughed. Josh tried to hold it farther and farther away but Tyler clawed at his arm, eventually dragging it down to where he could reach the controller and tearing it out of Josh’s grip. The video game was forgotten though as they both laughed and Tyler lay across Josh’s lap. 

“Get off of me,” Josh joked, shoving on Tyler’s shoulder but not making any real move to get Tyler off of him. Tyler wished Josh hadn’t even said it though, he wanted Josh to want him there. He wanted Josh to play with his hair and look into his eyes. God, he was completely infatuated with him. Everything seemed to calm down around Josh, all his racing thoughts, his over producing heart, his whirring breath all seemed to steady when Josh was around. Josh evened him out. But Josh also gave him this ecstatic feeling in his stomach, a rushing feeling that made him want to smile and cry at the same time. He wished Josh could want him too. His dad’s words spread through his head, telling him to stop obsessing over his best friend, it made him ache. He wanted Josh but his dad’s words meant something more. The question about girls meant something more. He would continue to be a disappointment to his parents if he was with Josh. He swallowed and looked up into Josh’s face, that wiped away any doubts he had. 

“Can I ask you a question, Ty?” Josh asked. Tyler smirked,

“You just di-”

“A different question, you asshole.” Josh said with a snort of laughter, knowing exactly the stupid joke Tyler would make.

“Sure.” Tyler shrugged, he was still sprawled over Josh’s lap but now decided to sit up for the question. He turned on the couch to look at his best friend better. 

“Okay, you can decide not to answer this and I don’t mean to like…bring this stuff up now but I’m curious.” Josh said.

“Just ask it,” Tyler said. 

“Have you ever…been with someone after you know,  _ Her _ ?” he asked. Tyler’s mouth felt a little dry and his mind’s eye rushed to all the girls there had been after Heather. All the ways he had messed it up. All the ways it had been weird, all the ways it had upset him. 

“Like been with....as in…?” Tyler asked, unsure. 

“Like sex.” Josh confirmed. 

“No.” Tyler admitted. “I’ve kissed girls, touched them…been touched by them but I could never…I just…there was never a time where I felt okay and…” he shook his head and then ran his fingers through his hair, making it stand on end. Josh nodded and it was quiet for a moment, both of them sipped their drinks. 

“Do you want to?” Josh asked. “You know, do it with a girl?” he asked.

“I mean…I think if…if the situation presented itself.” He swallowed, he wasn’t sure. The idea of a girl like that was unappealing, all that was appealing was the thought of Josh-but he brushed those thoughts away. “I..I don’t know.” He finished lamely. More silence. He studied Josh’s face, he couldn’t quite understand what his expression was, maybe confusion or…understanding or…he didn’t know.

“What about you? You’ve been with a few girls right?” Tyler asked. They had talked about Josh’s girlfriends in the past but never in any detail. Josh looked like he was stealing himself to say something, as if he was nervous for what he wanted to let spill out next,

“Girls and guys.” He said suddenly. His eyes darted over to Tyler. Tyler’s cheeks turned pink, his eyes widened, and he had to bite back a strange smile that threatened to spread over his face. He didn’t want Josh to think he was laughing at him but he needed Josh to know that it was okay, that no matter what, it was alright with him.

“Oh! Cool!” Tyler said lamely. But he smiled. 

“Yeah!” Josh said, grabbing onto the fact that Tyler was smiling and said it was cool. He seemed relieved and Tyler understood why, they both came from very Christian families and this could have gone much worse. 

“Anyone recently?” Tyler asked nonchalantly. It was something he asked on the fly because he didn’t think there was, he would have heard about a person in Josh’s life by now if there was something to tell.

“Yeah actually.” Josh said. Tyler’s heart fell from his chest down into his stomach, his face fell and his brow furrowed, jealousy coursed through him and he turned to look at Josh,

“What?” he asked. Josh blushed a little,

“I mean it doesn’t mean anything! Oh no. It’s not like a relationship…we’ve just been…um hooking up. Me and my um my manager at the record shop, Travis.” He said.

“The guy who gave you that practice space?” Tyler asked, he felt like the breath had been knocked out of him. Josh nodded. 

“But seriously, it doesn’t mean anything. He likes to make sure I know that…not that I would want anything with him either. He’s kind of an asshole and he’s a lot older than me but we you know, have a good time.” He blushed. Tyler’s heart rate returned to normal. Okay, this wasn’t someone Josh was in love with or anything. He downed the rest of his drink and breathed a sigh of relief. 

“Oh I bet you do.” Tyler said, forcing a wicked grin. Josh’s cheeks turned red and he finished his drink. Tyler leaned in towards Josh and rested his head on Josh’s shoulder, they sat there quietly drinking for a while and then Tyler, smirking, decided to whisper,

“So do you take it up the butt?” He asked. Josh shoved him, 

“Oh fuck off!” he laughed, Tyler burst out laughing. 

“I’m curious!” He said. Josh pushed him back and Tyler grinned and fell back against the couch, Josh fell with him. They lay there really close, their breath was matched and they both felt particularly drunk. 

“Wanna watch a movie?” Josh asked, they were lying really close together, Tyler could feel Josh’s breath against his cheek. 

“Yeah,” Tyler said. They turned the lights off and gathered blankets onto the couch. It was so reminiscent of all their sleepovers when they were kids and all throughout highschool. Curling up under blankets on couches watching dumb move after dumb movie. As it got later and later they both became more and more relaxed on the couch, sinking lower. Josh shifted a bunch trying to get comfortable. 

“Come here, let’s just lie down.” Tyler said. He flopped over to the side and Josh lay on his side right in front of him so they were pretty much spooning.

“Wanna be my little spoon, Jish?” Tyler joked into Josh’s ear. 

“Yeah as long as you don’t breathe on my face, your breath is disgusting.” He teased. 

“Is not!” Tyler laughed. They curled up and fell quiet, watching the movie. Tyler kept thinking about how close they were, how close their faces were, how warm it felt being curled up pressed together. They had never been afraid of showing each other affection, they had snuggled, spooned and curled up with each other for pretty much as long as he could remember, this was no different. No different at all until Josh turned his body a little so he was lying on his back and Tyler was on his side, looking down at him. It was no different at all until their eyes met in the darkness of the room, with the movie playing quietly in the background, illuminating their faces just a little. It was no different until they let out a breath at the same time and moved towards each other in sync. It was no different from all the other times until their lips caught and they kissed. Josh reached up right away, cupping Tyler’s cheek. Tyler’s heart leapt and it felt like everything else stayed still as his lips moved against Josh’s. He could cry with how nice it felt. His lips opened, and he pressed his tongue towards Josh. Josh leaned his head up, kissing him back deeper than before. It didn’t stop until both of them ran out of air and they had to pull back.

“Sorry,” Tyler whispered, their foreheads pressed together.

“Don’t,” Josh said, shaking his head, leaning up and pressing another kiss to Tyler’s still lips. Tyler let him but then he settled down on his side, curled into Josh’s side. He was completely embarrassed that he had done that. It had been a stupid thing to do. He wasn’t supposed to just go and kiss his best friend. He buried his face in Josh’s shoulder and didn’t look up. They fell asleep like that, pressed together on the couch, in a state of half drunk confusion. 

The next morning when they woke up things felt weird. Tyler hated himself, everything his father said coursed through his brain. Everything that was wrong with what he did wouldn’t shut up. He wasn’t good enough for Josh, he was stupid and insecure and not whole and a wreck and scared of himself. Josh needed someone who was completely sure of who they were. Tyler couldn’t commit to a guy. Especially not Josh because Josh deserved so much better. 

“Morning,” Josh said, smiling as he saw Tyler.

“Hi…” Tyler said, sitting up and moving completely away from Josh, pulling himself back. Retreating into himself.

“About last night-” Josh said, he was still smiling and he reached up and touched his lips,

“We shouldn’t have done that.” Tyler said.

“What?” Josh almost started laughing but then he saw the look on Tyler’s face so he started to nod, “yeah, I mean. You’re right. You’re right.” He said, swallowing. Tyler nodded and stood up quickly,

“I mean, we were drunk.” Tyler continued even though they hadn’t been that drunk. 

“Y-Yeah.” Josh said, nodding. “It was like an accident.” He said. Tyler nodded and looked around for his sweatshirt, he felt too exposed in just a t-shirt. It was ripping his heart out to hear Josh agree with this, there had been a part of Tyler, a really loud part, that had been hoping Josh would fight him on it. That Josh would tell him he was being an idiot and that the kiss hadn’t been a mistake, it had been great and exactly what both of them needed. It didn’t happen though. Josh agreed that it shouldn’t have happened. He was probably relieved. 

“Yeah. So we can just forget it.” Tyler said. Josh smiled,

“Yeah, sure thing!” he said. 

*

When Josh went home after that weekend they didn’t talk for a few days. It was the longest Tyler had gone in months without talking to Josh. It was absolutely awful. His grades were continuing to slip, he was having nightmares every day, basketball became impossible. Unanswered emails were mounting up about his performance in classes, about how attendance to basketball, about how he was going to be kicked off the team and Tyler couldn’t find the energy to answer them. He wanted to go back in time and tell Josh that the kiss had meant so much more to him than a drunken accident. He wanted to beg him to come this week so they could be together, kiss and hold each other. He needed it and yet he stopped himself, Josh had been happy to hear Tyler thought it was a mistake. It had been better that he had said all of that. He was already enough of a disaster and a disappointment to his parents, he didn’t need to make things worse. But over the next few days as the calendar inched towards Halloween Tyler contemplated hurting himself again. 

He found himself wanting to claw at his skin, pinch himself and rip his hair out. He was thinking about reverting to old ways of coping. Old, bad ways. He thought longingly of dragging a razor blade across his wrists. He thought longingly of the promise of oblivion. It made him feel like there was an escape. If things got worse, he could throw himself off of a bridge and it would be a split second of pain and then blissful nothing. He reminded himself that it isn’t worth it to cause other people that kind of pain. He thought of the band and what his life could be like in a few months and that thought fueled him to push away the suicidal thoughts for the time being. He got a test back in the middle of the week, one of his midterms. He had failed. Entirely full on failed. It didn’t surprise him but it hurt none-the-less. It was a blow. He spent the next full day curled up in bed, even Preston noticed and asked if he was okay. He lied and said he was sick so Preston would leave him alone. 

He needed Josh, why hadn’t they talked in so long? Why hadn’t Josh texted him? He started to panic about it. Was Josh this upset over the kiss or was he just giving him space? Tyler was so close to texting him and asking him to come there to talk. He wanted to tell him that the kiss had meant so much more to him, that he needed Josh and wanted him. It would feel so good to just admit it, whatever Josh’s answer would be it would be better than holding it in. It would be better than any of this. Tyler picked up his phone, he scrolled through it a moment, putting off calling Josh even though he knew that was exactly what he wanted to do. He went on facebook and was confronted with something that stopped him in his tracks. It didn’t knock all the air out of him like when he had found out she was out of jail, it didn’t send him panicking. It did make his hands feel a little numb and his face go red from- what was this? Anger? The post simply read: 

**Josh Dun is now In a Relationship with Claire Henderson **

Tyler stared at the screen for a full ten seconds, he tried to process it. It had been three days since he had seen Josh, he had never mentioned a Claire! He had mentioned Travis but that had been nothing and now there was a Claire!? What did this mean!? Claire!? Tyler threw his phone down away from him and stared up at the ceiling. Josh and Claire. Fury ran through his veins, it stoked the now flaming ball of prickly, pointing anxiety in his chest. Why hadn’t Josh told him? Why hadn’t he called him? What was going on? Tyler stared at the ceiling but even though he was in a hall full of people, in a dorm full of people, on a campus full of people, in a university surrounded by people he had never felt so alone. And tiny. Tiny and alone. Abandoned and suddenly, thirteen again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked it! I know it got pretty dark, but I hope there was enough fluff/laughs to lighten things at least a little. Also, I know i'm kinda ending this chapter similarly to how I ended the last one buuuut you know.  
As always find me at heckin-yeahh.tumblr.com


	3. November

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> November turns Tyler's insides to ice. As Thanksgiving approaches, he can't continue on. He needs help but the person he had always turned to isn't an option anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AH! I finally got it written and edited!!!! Its been sitting half finished for months! THen it was sitting finished for another month...and FINALLY its done!  
I wrote two other Joshler fics in the meantime and this one just fell by the wayside which is so sad. I also started the podcast and got caught up in that sooo yeah. But yay! This chapter is here, I'm sorry if its messy, I just wanted to get it up!  
I SWEAR it won't take me as long to get the last chapter up.  
Thanks for being patient.  
Same Content Warning as the other chapters: mentions of suicide, suicidal thoughts and ideation, depression, past abuse, sexual abuse mentions.

Tyler wasn’t going to ask Josh about Claire. Tyler was planning on not talking to him at all. Josh hadn’t felt the need to tell him anything about this stupid girl, so why should he want to talk to him about anything either? Last he had heard there had been some guy he was hooking up with, he had never even heard of this Claire girl! Since when was he into her and why didn’t he tell Tyler about her? It didn’t make sense to him. He was trying his best not to let it get to him, but everything got to him these days. He went through the week trying to focus as best he could on school. He managed to turn in a homework assignment for his history class, he got to his basketball practices even though he barely tried while he was there. He didn’t text Josh though, and he didn’t respond to Josh’s numerous texts that had started to pour in. There had been radio silence from both of them for a couple days after their kiss, but then Josh acted as thought everything was normalAfter a few days of Tyler not responding, Josh seemed to pick up on what was wrong. 

_ Jish: Are you not talking to me because I didn’t tell you about Claire? It just happened kind of suddenly!  _

_ Jish: Tyler, come on, don’t be a baby about this! Should I plan on coming there on Friday? _

_ Jish: When do you come home for Thanksgiving?  _

_ Jish: Look, Tyler, I’m sorry. I want to talk.  _

Tyler couldn’t bring himself to answer. Josh was a traitor. He was supposed to be there for him, helping him through all of this but instead he was with some girlfriend. They had been talking about girls and dating only a few days before Josh posted this and he had never even mentioned her. It was too weird, it was like Josh had purposefully hid it from him. Tyler tried to stay angry and not spiral into depression but it stopped working when Josh texted him on Friday morning,

_ Jish: So I guess I won’t be coming today. Maybe I’ll see you over Thanksgiving, if you’ll answer me. Bye. _

And that had been it, nothing else. He stared at his phone, waiting for something, anything, a call, or a text from Josh telling him that he was coming anyway. That was what he really wanted, for Josh to just show up and make it better. To say the girlfriend thing had been a figment of Tyelr’s imagination and that he really loved Tyler and wanted to be with him. Oh god, was that really what he wanted? Did he want to be with Josh? Like that? His heart thumped hard in his chest as he thought about it, still staring at his phone. Yes, honestly, the answer was yes. 

Now Josh was with Claire and Tyler was sabotaging their friendship, just because he was upset that there had been no warning and jealous because there was someone else who got even a piece of Josh. No, Josh should be all his but now it was impossible and Tyler hated himself for saying the kiss had been a mistake, he hated himself for not answering the texts, for not telling him how he felt. But he couldn’t.

November was cold in Columbus. Frost clung to the bare trees in the mornings when Tyler managed to drag himself out of bed for his 8 AM class. The air stung when you breathed in too quickly and exposed skin turned pink quickly. Tyler needed to remember to get himself a pair of mittens. The skies were clouded and clocks fell back, adding to the dreariness of life in November when it was dark by the time Tyler left for basketball at 5 PM. Midterms dragged on. Some of his classes had had them at the end of October but a lot of his classes were still finishing them up. There were papers due and exams to take. Tyler dreaded all of it. He even dreaded Thanksgiving. Not because he was going home but because he was scared his family would notice how badly he was doing and he dreaded needing to leave home again so soon after he got there. Home also meant the distinct possibility of seeing Her. He used to run into her all the time in their area, she lived so close to the school and so did they. They went to the same grocery store. The same movie store. The same dentist. Would she still live in the same area? Would she go to the same places? What if he saw her at the grocery store? Or Target? What if he had to pick up Maddy from school and she was there? No. That was crazy. She wouldn’t be at the school she had been fired from, there was no way she was allowed within 100 feet of a school anymore. She had molested a twelve year old boy. The thought made his stomach churn. Was he supposed to go through the rest of his life afraid he was going to run into her? Did he have to leave Ohio so he wouldn’t be scared anymore? Where would he go? Indiana maybe. 

No. He wouldn’t leave Ohio. His mind wandered, towards another option, the safest of all options, the biggest option. He couldn’t live in fear if he just…didn’t live anymore. What was the point anymore? Josh had a girlfriend and was working his way towards hating him and Tyler was doing nothing about it. He couldn’t play basketball anymore. His dream was a train wreck before it had even started, no Nick, no Chris, no Josh. He would fail at least half of his classes. His parents would be so disappointed. The woman who ruined his whole life was out of jail and he could run into anywhere in his own hometown. What was left? Nothing. It seemed like a good idea to just…end it.

Tyler sat in his room, in the dark, unable to get off of his bed to turn the lights on as the sky darkened outside his window. He thought of all the ways he could do it. Slice open his wrists. Take a bunch of pills. Throw himself off a bridge, or an overpass. When could he do it? Was there a better time? No. Maybe after Thanksgiving so his mom and dad could have one last happy holiday before he destroyed it. Could he do that to them? To Zack, Maddy, and Jay? It would wreck them. Tyler didn’t move, but he fantasized about death. He shut his eyes and pretended he was gone. Pretended he never had to get up from this position. He pretended he didn’t breathe anymore. No matter how much he pretended, it wasn’t true. He wasn’t dead. He couldn’t stay there forever. If he wanted to be dead, he would have to do something about it. He turned his head, looking down off of his bed, and he saw his ukulele sitting on the couch, he had taught himself how to play when things felt awful in highschool. It had made him feel connected with something, that and piano. Music. Tyler sat up in bed and crawled out of bed. Before he knew what he was doing he had left his room and then the whole dorm and started up the street towards the Health Services building. 

As he walked he kept his eyes down, he didn’t want to see anyone he knew, he didn’t want anything to stop him. He couldn’t let anything stop him or slow him down long enough to make him change his mind. He needed help. He needed help now. He felt his shoulder hit someone walking the opposite direction and he muttered an apology as he kept walking. The air stung his chest and his teeth started to chatter, he hadn’t put on a coat. He was just in a long sleeved shirt, jeans, and sneakers. Everyone around him was in a coat, some even wore a hat and mittens. He could see his breath huffing out of him as he walked in the night air. When he reached the Health Services building he stopped for a moment outside of the doors. It was quiet around here, no one going in and out like the other buildings he had passed. 

He forced himself not to stop and think for long about it. He walked through the doors and straight up to the reception desk. It was warm in here, there was bright florescent lights overhead and a couple people sitting in the waiting area. Behind the desk was a middle aged woman wearing scrubs, her long braids were pulled back in a ponytail and she was looking through a file when he walked up. She looked up the instant he stood in front of her,

“How can I help you?” She asked, her voice was warm just like the room. Tyler was shaking because he didn’t feel like he would be able to answer her. He was scared of how much his voice would wobble and what the people around him would think but then he opened his mouth and words were just falling out,

“Hi, I’m Tyler Joseph, here’s my student ID.” He plunked the card down on the counter, “I think I want to kill myself and I’m scared I’m going to go through with it. I need help.” He said. He was expecting a look of horror, he was expecting stress and fear. The woman just looked at him, her face going slightly concerned but not anymore than if he had told her he thought he had athletes foot. She pulled a clipboard with papers on it from a drawer in the desk and passed it over to him,

“It’s going to be okay, Tyler.” She said, her voice still sweet like honey. She was pretty with a kind face, Tyler felt bad for burdening her with this. “Fill that out, and someone will come get you in not long at all, okay?” 

“Okay.” He said. His eyes darted towards the door, she noticed.

“I’m glad you came. I think it’s best if you stay.” She said without him having to voice anything else. Tyler couldn’t argue. He nodded and went to sit down and fill out the paperwork. 

*

The room he was taken back to was a room you would wait in to get a flu test, or to talk about the pain in your shoulder. It had a medical exam bed covered in crinkly white paper, there was a chair by the bed, a counter with a sink and cabinets and then a computer with a stool in front of it. Tyler felt stupid. He was taking up someone’s time on something that…was it that bad? Was he exaggerating how he was feeling? The black ball of anxiety in his chest was still ripping him to shreds from the inside out, he didn’t think it was ever going to shrink again, He wanted to get up and walk out but as soon as he decided he was going to do that the door opened and a middle aged woman in scrubs walked in. 

“Tyler?” She asked.

“Y-yeah. Hi.” He said. 

“Hi, I’m Evelyn.” She said, she sat down in the stool by the computer while he stayed seated across from her.

“Are you like…a therapist?” he asked.

“No,” She said, she sounded nice enough, maybe a little tired but she seemed attentive. Tyler fiddled with the hem of his shirt. He wanted to run away but there was something about Evelyn that made him not want to disappoint her so he stayed put. “I’m a nurse practitioner, I’m just going to ask you a few questions to assess your mental state, alright?” She asked.

“Yeah.” He said, still fiddling with the hem of his shirt, running his fingers along it, twisting his it around his finger. 

“Okay. You’ve been having suicidal thoughts?” She asked. 

“I…I mean, I’ve been thinking about hurting myself.” He said, his eyes darted up to meet hers. She was just looking at him, could she tell that he was lying a little? 

“How often have you been having those thoughts? Is it just this one time? Is it multiple times? Is it once a week? Every day?” She asked, prompting him as he just sat there, staring, trying to figure out how often he considered jumping off a bridge or slitting his wrists. It felt like it might be once a day…but that was too often, right? 

“Um…I…I think just seriously like…tonight.” He mumbled. This was the only time it had scared him enough to go to health services, this was the only time he wanted to tell someone about it so obviously the other times weren’t that bad. They weren’t serious. 

“Do you think about wanting to be dead?” She asked, her eyes continued to study his face, he felt antsy. The memory of lying in bed pretending he was dead came flooding back. It wasn’t normal. No. He didn’t want to tell her that, she would think he was completely insane. 

“Not really.” He said.

“Not really?” She asked. Tyler was shaking, he had to put his hands on his knees to stop them from moving. He wanted to cry. 

“Yeah, I mean I think about it like…what if a little but not…not seriously.” He said, his eyes darted up to her. “What…what is this for? Is it to see if I need medication?” He asked. 

“Oh, no. Its just to get a little more information about how you’ve been feeling,” She said. Tyler swallowed, he didn’t believe that was why she was asking these questions. They seemed too clinical, too rehearsed, they weren’t just chatting like a therapist might, it was some kind of scale she was putting him on. 

“Okay,” he said, but he just looked at her. She was about to open her mouth to ask another question when Tyler butted in, “Sorry, I just...I don’t quite get why  _ these  _ questions?” he asked. He didn’t quite understand why he was pushing it with her but he wanted to know.

“I’m just trying to understand how severe your symptoms are, based on a set of questions.” She informed him. So he had been right, it was some kind of questionnaire she was looking at on her clipboard. 

“Well, what happens if it’s really severe? What do you do with this information?” He asked, following the logical route. She sighed and glanced up at him, watching his worried eyes,

“Well, if it’s really severe we would need to admit you,” She said calmly. Admitted!? No. He just needed to talk to someone. He swallowed and nodded, looking away from her, towards the door again. He wanted to leave so badly. Not that Evelyn wasn’t nice. Not that he didn’t think sitting there was keeping him from the worst of his thoughts but...but he couldn’t be admitted. 

“One a scale of zero to ten, how would you rate the strength of your intent to kill yourself? Zero being not intense at all, ten being very intense.” She asked, looking up from her notes again. His intent? He had come here, hadn’t he? 

“Three…uhh maybe four?” He said. That was downplaying it. He had thought about where he could do it that it would upset the least amount of people. 

“Have you ever attempted suicide in the past?”

“No.” 

“Have you ever self harmed in a suicidal way?” 

“No.” Lie. 

“Do you have any previously diagnosed mood disorders or mental health issues?” She asked.

Where to start? Major Depression, Generalized anxiety disorder, post-traumatic stress disorder. 

“Anxiety.” Half-lie. He just wanted to get out of there now, the thought of being admitted scared him worse than his own self destruction. His parents would be called. Everyone would know what a failure he was. Josh would know. His mom or his brothers or his sister would definitely tell him. Josh would come see him in the hospital. It would be awful. The worst thing imaginable. Josh had seen him in low places, but not that. That was humiliating and anything would be better than that. 

“Have you made any plans to kill yourself?” She asked. 

“No.” He said. Lie. 

“Thinking about suicide, do you feel afraid?” She asked. “On a scale of zero to ten,” She added after that. “Ten being very afraid, zero being unafraid.”

“Eight.” He said. 

“Okay, Tyler.” She smiled, and looked over her notes again. “Those are all my questions!” She pulled a business card off of the clipboard she was looking at and handed it to him. “I’m going to give you a card, it has the suicide hotline on it, if you feel like you want to kill yourself. Call them, they’ll help.” She said. “I’m going to set you up an appointment with the school’s psychiatrist, Dr. Mindy.” She said. “You really should make sure you get an appointment with her at least once a week, if not her then she’ll help you find someone else.” She said. “She’s booked until after Thanksgiving but after that, we’ll get you in. Do Tuesdays work?” 

After Thanksgiving!? That was the earliest he could get in to see her?! What was he supposed to do in the meantime? He couldn’t constantly be calling the suicide hotline…They set up a time on the Tuesday after Thanksgiving and then Evelyn was standing up,

“I’m glad you came in, Tyler. Please, come back if you need anything.” She said. 

“That’s it?” he asked. 

“Do you need something else?” She asked, tilting her head to the side. 

“N-No.” He said, he stood up and turned towards the door. “Thanks.” He said. 

“Of course.” 

Tyler held the business card that might have his life line written on it and walked out through the waiting area, he didn’t look around, he didn’t stop he walked through the doors out into the cold, still wishing he had a jacket. 

*

Thanksgiving week arrived bringing with it flurries of snow that didn’t stick to the ground but froze the earth and made it hard to go outside without a hat and mittens. Tyler’s emotions were mixed about the holiday, on the one hand it meant he could be home and forget about school for a few days. On the other hand it would involve questions from his family about school, questions about how he’s doing since the news of Her release and it meant the possibility of seeing _ Her _ . That in and of itself was enough to make his heart palpitate and his hands sweat. His mom had told him over the phone that if he didn’t feel like he could come home right now that she would understand,

“What, do you not want me to come home for Thanksgiving?” He snapped as he stood in front of his suitcase, packing it up, excited for his dad to come pick him up and bring him home the next afternoon. 

“No, of COURSE we do, Tyler-”

“Then why would you even say that!?” He asked, his voice harsh. Preston even looked over from his desk where he was working on his laptop.

“Because, I just thought since she might live around here…or…maybe you were busy.”

“I want to come home.” He said, his voice wavered a little and then there was silence on the other end, as if Kelly knew that Tyler was trying to keep it together. As if she could sense his pain. She might have been able to. Wasn’t that a thing, mothers being able to feel their child’s pain? Tyler didn’t know but she was quiet for a moment and then,

“Good. We want you home Tyler.” 

Tyler arrived home the day before Thanksgiving and the questions from his siblings poured in about college. How are the parties? Do you have ton of friends? How’s basketball? Are the classes super hard? Do you have a girlfriend? Tyler didn’t have the energy to answer them besides yes or no, good or bad. His parents asked about grades, about basketball and all that did was stress Tyler out more. 

He was happy to be home but once again all their expectations and worries added to the black anxiety in his chest, it gave off electrical pulses that shot through his whole body now. Everything was adding to it, the promise of more time at school, his family's expectations, the fear of accidentally running into _ Her _ , of the absence of Josh. Tyler retreated to his room as soon as he could. He sat on his bed and went on facebook, he had messages from Josh on multiple platforms, all of them were unanswered. The last message on facebook was Josh begging Tyler to answer him. Instead, Tyler looked at his girlfriend’s facebook page. Claire. Her hair was pink in places, she had quite a few pictures with Josh for just having started dating him. A picture of them together that someone else took, Josh looked good, happy. Happy. How could he be so happy without Tyler? Tyler had been ignoring him for over a week and yet Josh still looked…good. Tyler rubbed at his eyes, trying to stave off the tears that threatened. 

There was one of them kissing and it sent a shock of jealous anger through Tyler. Josh wasn’t supposed to kiss some random girl that Tyler didn’t know. He wasn’t supposed to kiss anyone. Tyler let the jealousy sink into his bones, it made him feel sick but there was no escaping it. Tyler wasn’t just upset that his best friend hadn’t mentioned this girl to him, he was upset that this girl was in Josh’s life at all. There shouldn’t be someone else. There should be Tyler. Tyler and Josh. The end. Period. The jealousy began to manifest itself in anger. How could Josh do this to him? Kiss him in his dorm room and then…just...get a girlfriend a few days later. Josh was supposed to be there for him! He was supposed to be the one holding Tyler up through his pain, he was supposed to be keeping him afloat but he was gone. He was kissing a girl. Someone he had never mentioned before. Probably to just get away from Tyler. 

Well fine, if he wanted away from him. He could really be away from him. They could be nothing. Not together. Not friends. Not even bandmates. Before he knew what he was doing, he started to type out a facebook post. 

_ Searching for a drummer for a alternative rock band. If you’re a drummer or you know a drummer, contact me so we can work out an audition! Need to find a replacement soon.  _

He posted it before he could even stop himself to think about it and then he shut his laptop. He didn’t want to see any comments from Josh, he didn’t want to look at the messages, he hoped Josh didn’t try to text him. He definitely didn’t want to see anyone posting asking him what happened to Josh. He lay in bed and stared at his ceiling. The anger faded away too quickly, he was left feeling an empty sense of dread. He was alone in all of this. He felt like his world was empty. No friends. Family didn’t understand. No Josh. Nothing. He felt sick to his stomach. He could hear Zack calling up the stairs to him to come have dinner but he couldn’t move. He was trapped there. He shut his eyes. Please, no bad dreams. I can’t take bad dreams. 

He could feel that black ball of painful, anxious energy pulsating in his chest. Every time it pulsed outward, it seemed to stab him from the inside out, his brow furrowed and he rolled onto his side to stare at the wall. The silence weighed down on him, it burned his ears and did nothing to ease the pain in his chest. Had he done this to himself? Had he pushed Josh far enough away that it was his own fault for making him want to date Claire? He felt helpless. There had never been a time when he felt like this when Josh wasn’t there. 

_ “Tyler?” The voice seemed to echo across the empty school bathroom. Tyler was sitting on the floor of the end handicap stall, his back pressed into the wall. “Tyler…are you in here? I saw you come in.” Footsteps and Tyler could see Josh’s sneakers in the gap between the stall door and the floor.  _

_ Josh reached out and pushed on the door, Tyler hadn’t locked it, maybe he had been hoping someone would find him. Maybe he had been hoping for Josh.  _

_ “Hey,” Josh said, taking a step into the big stall and shutting and locking the door behind him. Tyler’s head was buried in his knees, he couldn’t force himself to look up. The day had been worse than he could have imagined it would be. Everyone was talking about it, about him, they all knew. Everyone stared at him. He could feel their eyes on him. It made him itch. Then he was in the class that was supposed to be hers and the principal had come to talk to the class about why they would have a new teacher for the whole year. “Tyler, people have been saying stuff.” Josh said nervously, sitting down next to him on the floor.  _

_ Tyler couldn’t say anything, he was crying and he couldn’t recover his voice enough to be able to give an answer, but it didn’t seem like he had to because Josh stayed sitting there even though Tyler didn’t answer. Tyler could hear his sneakers on the floor as Josh pulled his knees up into his chest, matching Tyler’s position.  _

_ “You know, if it is true…I’m not going to like…care or anything.” He paused another minute, Tyler could feel Josh’s eyes on him but they didn’t burn through him like everyone else’s and soon the feeling passed. “Like, that stuff she did is…is bad but you’re still my best friend, you know. My-my mom told me that,” he swallowed, and Tyler listened to the sound of the spit in his mouth, “That it’s never okay for a grown up to…you know.” There was something about the way Josh just kept talking and didn’t need anything from Tyler that was comforting. There was another long pause, part of him wanted to tell Josh that it wasn’t wrong, that it wasn’t bad, that she cared about him but there was a bigger part of him, a part becoming louder and louder that was starting to understand how wrong that other part of him was. No matter how much he didn’t want to admit it, it was wrong. No matter the memories he thought were good. It was all tainted, the more he talked to his mom, the more he talked to a therapist, it was wrong. The confusion was what made him felt grossist.  _

_ “Thank you,” Tyler mumbled into his knees and suddenly before he could lose his nerve he unfurled his arms from around his knees and hugged Josh. They were still sitting next to each other, Tyler’s arms went around Josh’s chest and his face buried into his shoulder for a second. It was awkward and brief but Tyler needed it. When he let go he immediately wrapped his arms around his knees again but he looked ahead instead of hiding his face in his knees. _

_ “No problem. Can I come over and play ninetendo later?” Josh asked. Tyler could feel the tension that would someday manifest as what he called the black ball of anxiety ease in his chest and he nodded.  _

_ “Yeah.”  _

That memory felt tainted now, it had been beautiful and now it had gone sour. He wasn’t here for Tyler anymore, he wasn’t the same unwavering support. Even if Tyler was responsible for ruining their relationship by kissing him that day, by getting weird about the kiss, by ignoring him, by refusing to answer any text message it had still been Josh who had gotten a girlfriend without ever telling Tyler about it. It had been Josh who had lied to him about the people in his life. It was his fault too. Tyler hated himself for the anger and betrayal he felt, it felt irrational but he couldn’t help it. 

*

Thanksgiving passed with very little improvement of Tyler’s mood, his family knew there was something wrong but they stopped bringing it up after the third time Tyler snapped at them. He guessed they attributed his mood to being stressed about finals coming up, about basketball and about Her release from jail. His mom tried to tell him that she wouldn’t ever try to talk to him and that she probably didn’t even live around here because she was sure that the police or whoever would have call them to tell them that she lived nearby. It didn’t ease Tyler’s anxiety. It didn’t break down the black ball of anxiety. It did nothing that Josh could do. Josh could break down the churning ball of anxiety to its parts and he could slowly heal those parts one at a time. No. He needed to stop thinking about Josh as his all time savior, he needed to forget Josh, to let him go. Josh wasn’t here anymore, Josh had a girlfriend to worry about and Tyler couldn’t be part of Josh’s life anymore, because Josh had betrayed him. Or maybe it was because Tyler didn’t deserve Josh. Tyler couldn’t focus on it for too long without spiraling. 

Tyler had been invited to a party at a highschool friend’s house the day after Thanksgiving. Going didn’t seem like an option at first, he wanted to hide in his bedroom, he wanted to play video games with Zack, or watch television with his mom and do nothing else but then he heard Josh was going to be there and all those thoughts had changed. It was like Josh was a drug and Tyler was an addict, he couldn’t stay away when there was an offer like that. He couldn’t just not go see Josh, he couldn’t leave it alone. Not to mention there were a bunch of other people from highschool who would be there, people that he thought he’d want to see. In a different lifetime, a lifetime where Tyler had been able to handle college, where she hadn’t gotten out of jail, where he didn’t feel like he was spiraling into a pit of despair, he would have longed to be around those people, he would have been excited to tell them about school. Maybe if he he pretended he was excited to talk to them, it would manifest itself, maybe if he acted like things were okay and he hadn’t just gone to see a counselor at school because he was scared he was going to kill himself then people would really think he was fine. He doubted it. But he wanted to pretend. He wanted to pretend he was okay, for one night. 

So he went. He dragged himself through the motions of finding clothing, trying to make himself care about his hair and then staring in the mirror and slowly losing track of what his face really looked like. It was like the longer he stared at himself in the mirror the more distorted he became, the more wrong he looked. The dark, purpling circles under his eyes looked like they were from someone else’s sleepless nights. The chapped lips looked like they were chewed on by someone else’s crooked teeth. The pathetic chin and jaw stubble looked like it had gone unshaved by someone else’s hand. Not his. He didn’t think he was himself anymore. He was an alien in his own body, marching through life with anxiety being the only thing keeping him grounded in his body. 

But he went. He forced himself into one of his parents cars and spent fifteen minutes finding the house. He had been there once before for a birthday party in junior year. Now there were cars lining the driveway and a couple parked on the street. Tyler sat in his car, staring at his steering wheel. Get out. Get out of the car. Go to the party. Go to the party like a normal eighteen year old. All he could do was imagine what he would be doing on this Friday night if everything with him and Josh were okay. They wouldn’t be at this party, they’d be at his house…probably in his room, working on music, maybe even practicing. They’d be joking around, laughing and he would feel better, maybe not entirely but better than how he felt now. There would be a promise of watching movies and eating pie in their boxers at 2 AM. 

It took him a long time to get himself out of the car, when he did, he was still anxious and upset as he walked up to the house, he could hear loud music playing. As soon as he entered the house it felt like he was back in highschool, he was surrounded by familiar faces from highschool. Friends, people from his highschool basketball team, kids he barely talked to but he recognized by face if not name. There were some people who were still in highschool who had been invited, but it was mostly the kids who were back from college for the break. Nick might have been around her somewhere but Tyler didn’t bother looking for him. He didn’t want to see him. Nick knew too much about the struggles he’d be having at school, he wanted to pretend none of that was happening. 

People greeted him, calling out his name, waving and asking him how semester was going. He lied every single time. “Its going good!” “It’s definitely different!” “No major yet.” “Love basketball, it’s the best part.” “Made tons of friends.” “It’s good.” “Fine.” “Hard, but good.” “Yup” It was so hard to keep it up. It all felt pointless. Why should he lie? Because admitting having a hard time makes it too real. He told the voice in his head to shut up and meandered his way through the party, letting himself feel proud that he had even managed to get to this party in the first place. If he had let his rotting brain and the acidic black ball of anxiety win he would be at home curled in a ball on his bed, staring at a wall. His want to be normal had beaten back those stupid parts of himself and he had gotten here, even if he was miserable. He found where they were pouring booze. It felt very highschool, there were two liters of soda lined up by solo cups and then little shooter bottles of different kinds of booze on the table and then one bottle of half finished vodka. Tyler haphazardly made himself a drink. He still didn’t know much about alcohol, so he didn’t know what would mix well together or what would be enough to get him drunk so he ended up putting a thing of vanilla vodka into a cup of coke. He liked vanilla coke, this would be similar, right? He downed it and made another one, drinking that one while he talked to the girl he had went to prom with, her name was Jenna and she was going to culinary school, 

She was so excited about it, she really seemed to have a flair for it, she talked about how she wished she could have afforded to go to France, to one of their culinary programs,

“So how are you? How’s basketball? Are you still doing the band!?” She asked excitedly. She was the first person to bring up the band, it was well known that he had wanted to do music in highschool, it was well known that he had started a band with Nick and Chris but no one seemed interested in talking to him about it. Maybe they were avoiding it because Nick had told them it was crashing and burning.

“I’m fine. Basketball is…it’s fine.” He said, nodding. “Uhh I thought I was going to do the band stuff with Josh, you know, Josh Dun, but I don’t know anymore.” He said. Jenna looked at him, she seemed a little concerned. 

“Everything alright, Tyler?” She asked. His eyes met hers and for some reason it felt hard to lie to her. “I mean, we used to talk a lot, you can talk to me if you need.” She said. The memories seemed to surface from the depths of his depression addled, rotting brain. Jenna and him had been close. There had been a reason he had taken her to prom. He had felt comfortable with her, the only girl he had really felt comfortable with since Heath-since _ Her _ . 

“Does it seem like there is something wrong?” Tyler asked, making himself another one of his drinks, he wanted to be drunk, even though he wasn’t sure how he would get home if he was. 

“Well you’re skin and bones…and I mean, I remember when things weren’t great for you in highschool and you just seem a little like how you seemed then.” She spoke quietly and her eyes drifted up to meet his. She didn’t look expectant, she didn’t look like she was waiting for him to say anything. She just looked like she was present. Tyler swallowed,

“Just been…hard at school and since…” he nodded. 

“Oh yeah, I heard.” She said. “It’s bullshit, honestly.” She said, she lifted her cup to her lips and looked at him over the rim. “You’ll be okay though.” She said, she sounded so sure of herself, so completely convinced that he would be. 

“What makes you say that?” He asked.

“Because you’re strong and you’ll figure out the band…and you’ll be able to do something great with your life. You could always figure out how to pick yourself up, even if you needed to ask for help to do it. So be sure you’re asking for help if you need it.” She said, she patted his arm. “I’ll see you around?” 

“Yeah.” He said, she turned and went over to a group of her friends, glancing back at him occasionally. Tyler tried to busy himself, he spoke with a couple other boring people, he listened to an argument between a couple guys he used to play basketball with about who was in the movie Fight Club. Tyler knew but he never offered the answer, it was too interesting to watch them argue and shout at each other to look it up. He kept drinking, and he kept feeling Jenna’s eyes on him, as if she was watching him to make sure he was okay. 

Tyler was moderately drunk when he heard his voice. He was laughing with someone, then talking over someone else about music. Tyler’s feet were carrying him across the room before he could stop himself. Josh was standing in the living room with a small group of people, his arm was around a petite girl that had pink in her blonde hair. Tyler felt like he had been stabbed in the gut, he was watching Josh rub his girlfriend’s waist. Fury burned in his gut, that betrayal, and anxiety spiked through him. What was he supposed to do? Just let him continue to do this? Just let him go forever? Tyler walked over, almost tripping over his own feet as he marched up to Josh. Josh turned right as Tyler came up,

“Tyler!” He said excitedly, but the grin dropped from his face as soon as he saw the way Tyler looked. His brow furrowed, his eyes glassy. “What’s wrong buddy?”

“Is this your girlfriend?” Tyler asked, looking to the girl at his side and then back to Josh.

“Uhh yeah?” Josh laughed, glancing around at the people surrounding them who all seemed a little confused, Tyler watched Josh’s eyes flicker down to his girlfriend and for some reason that made it worse. He was looking to see if she was okay. He cared if Tyler would hurt her feelings. 

“This is Tyler?” Claire asked, smiling. 

“Yeah,” Josh said, but he didn’t sound too happy. 

“Aren’t you going to introduce me, Jish?” Tyler asked, spitting the nickname as if it was something that tasted gross in his mouth. 

“Tyler, this is Claire…” Josh started to introduce them but his eyes were looking over Tyler, seeming confused so he interrupted himself, “Are you drunk?” Josh asked stepping away from Claire and a little closer to Tyler.

“No,” Tyler lied, sounding incredulous that Josh would even ask that. 

“Yes you are,” Josh said.

“Like you care,” Tyler growled.

“What is your problem!?” Josh asked, fully stepping away from Claire now. Claire looked nervous and glanced between them, the other people they had been talking to kept looking between Josh and Tyler. Claire attempted to keep the conversation going between her and some of their other friends but she kept getting distracted by Tyler and Josh’s conversation.

“What do you mean what’s my problem!? What’s your problem!? You…you just left me! You know how…how hard things have been and you’ve deserted me!” Tyler snarled. 

“I deserted you!?” Josh asked, his voice raising almost accidentally. He glanced around again at the people watching them and took a step forward so that he was leaning in even closer to Tyler, “You’re the one who stopped talking to me, not the other way around.” He hissed. 

Tyler snorted in derisive laughter, “Oh that’s fuckin’ rich!” His throat clenched as he spoke, he was trying not to get too emotional, he was trying to stay angry and only angry but it was hard, especially faced with Josh. “You never even talked about Claire!” Tyler didn’t bother keeping his voice down. “I asked you if there was anyone you were seeing and you said no! You never talked about her and suddenly you’re _ playing _ her boyfriend or something!?” More people were looking over and Claire had stepped over towards them, still seeming nervous and unsure. Josh glanced over at her and tried to smile reassuringly. Tyler rolled his eyes, “You never even told me! I had to find out on facebook!”

“Oh, like how I had to find out that I was out of the band on facebook!?” Josh shot back. 

Tyler’s jaw clenched and he looked away, his eyes were burning and he was feeling sick, he didn’t say anything. He didn’t know what he could say to him. 

“You know what, Tyler? I tried talking to you! I knew you were upset and I tried to talk to you…so much. You ignored me so I stopped trying!” Josh said, throwing his hands up.

“I needed you, Josh.” 

“Maybe I needed you too! Maybe it hurt me when you kept ignoring me, did you ever once think of that?” Josh asked. 

“Fuck you.” Tyler said, his jaw clenched and he turned away from Josh, wanting to leave and never look back. What was he supposed to do now? What was his life without Josh?

“Way to try to solve the problem, Tyler. Good job,” Josh said sarcastically. Tyler turned back suddenly and shoved Josh hard in the chest. Josh stumbled back and there was an audible intake of breath from the people around them. 

“Fuck you, Josh! Fuck you! You know…you know what this semester has been for me and you just fucking left. Fuck you!” Tyler shoved him again, and again, hard in the chest. Josh didn’t move to retaliate, he let Tyler shove him, but his eyes flooded with tears and he looked away quickly, unable to answer Tyler, unable to do anything for fear of losing it and starting to cry. Tyler pulled back and stared at his best friend, Josh’s eyes were bloodshot, rimmed with red, his nose was turning pink which was a tell-tale sign of being close to tears. He looked away. 

“Tyler,” Josh choked as Tyler turned away. Tyler didn’t answer, he walked out of the room, feeling drunker than he had before. He found Jenna who was standing by the snacks with her friends, everything was quiet, it felt like the whole house was watching him even though that couldn’t be true.

“I need help,” He said quietly. Jenna didn’t question it, she just nodded.

“Okay, what can I do?” she asked. 

*

Jenna had driven Tyler home with the promise that if he needed help getting his car the next day she would take him to get it. He hadn’t needed her to though, Zack drove him over there in the late afternoon. His parents were confused about why he couldn’t have driven himself home but they didn’t question him too much. Tyler thought that they just didn’t want to look to closely at it, they’d rather pretend he’d never had a sip of alcohol in his life. When Zack left him, Tyler sat down in his car again, staring at nothing and willing himself to drive home. He couldn’t do it. He couldn’t go back there and be without Josh, be angry at Josh, pretend everything was okay, watch movies with his mom and dad, hang out with Maddy, Zack and Jay and just be okay. Because he wasn’t okay and nothing felt right in the world. That night he had gone to the health center on campus loomed large in his head, all those questions they had asked and all he had lied about. He felt exactly the same now as he did then, if not worse. It was silent in the car and it hurt his ears. If he drove right now, what would be stopping him from pulling the steering wheel off of the road, and straight into a tree, or off a bridge, off an overpass. What would stop him? Nothing. It was his own will power that would put its foot down against that. Did he even have that willpower anymore though? He reached up and raked his fingers through his hair. 

How different would his life be if Mrs. Galloway hadn’t been in his life? Would he still be depressed? Maybe. Would he still feel disgusted with himself most of the time? He didn’t know. Would he still have never been able to enjoy a relationship? Or have sex? Or feel intimate with someone? Probably not. While he sat in the car, letting himself think through that stuff he found himself hating her. Truly, hating her with a burning rage. She ruined his life. She destroyed who he thought he was, he had to rebuild so much and it was always in danger of falling away and breaking apart. Then, as quickly as the hate and rage had come it subsided and he felt guilty. Guilty that he had thought that way about her and then as soon as he felt that he felt guilty for being guilty. He should stay angry. He should be angry. Why wasn’t he brain wired correctly? Why did he still half long for her? No. He didn’t. She had just trained him to feel that way. He knew that deep down. He was in blind pain, it was loud, it was oppressive, burning cold, scorching his insides with frostbite, making it impossible for him to love someone properly. If everything was such pain, why couldn’t he just kill himself? And now no Josh? What was he supposed to do? Josh was the only person he really wanted. Now he was gone and what was there left?

No. Tyler turned the keys in the ignition and pulled away from the curb. No. This darkness was fleeting. It had to be. There had to be light there. There had to be a pinprick of a star, of the sun, of Joshua Dun somewhere in there and he wanted it back. He turned onto the main highway and found himself driving towards Josh’s house. He wasn’t going to let this be the last of them and he wasn’t going to let this be the end of Twenty One Pilots. That and Josh were the promise of warmth after weeks in ice water, they were the antidote to whatever he was going through now. 

When he got there he pulled into the familiar driveway, parking in his usual spot, just behind Josh’s old Honda. It felt familiar. It felt almost as much like home as his real home did. When he got out the air already smelled comforting, like Josh, like his house, like playdates, capri sun, and treehouses. It smelled like riding bikes and hiding their Pokemon cards from Jordan and Zack. He walked up to the door and knocked, Jordan threw the door open,

“Hey Tyler!” he said. 

“Hey, is Josh here?” Tyler asked. 

“Yeah lemme get him.” Jordan turned away from him, leaving the main door ajar but the glass door shut and Tyler heard, “JOSH! TYLER’S HERE” As Jordan shouted up the stairs for him. Josh appeared a minute later, he looked a little sleepy and wary as Tyler stood there in the doorway, looking up at him.

“Hey.” Josh said unsurely. 

“Hey,” Tyler said, swallowing hard, not sure of what to say, not sure how to make it better but knowing he needed to. The silence stretched on, Tyler standing just outside the door, Josh in the door frame, looking at him and holding the door open. They both spoke at the same time,

“I’m really sorry,” “I’m such a fucking idiot.”

They both smiled nervously and Tyler looked down.

“I’m sorry…I’m so stupid and I’m…” Tyler shook his head, “I was angry.” 

“I know,” Josh said, nodding. “I should have kept trying…I should have told you about Claire.” 

Her name scorched Tyler and he tried not to make a face at it, he had to try to be supportive but it was so difficult. Claire was everything that scared him. Losing Josh. Sharing Josh. Josh loving someone else. Josh putting someone else ahead of him. Tyler tried to bite back the feelings,

“It’s okay. I was wrong.” He mumbled, his eyes were burning. He reached up and rubbed at them, trying to keep stupid tears at bay. Why did everything hurt so badly? It was killing him. Even having this conversation with Josh was difficult, it should never have been difficult. Josh was his best friend. It should be easy to apologize, easy to understand each other. He felt so closed off. Everything in his life was so affected by the anxiety in his chest that now felt like instead of just sitting inside of him, it was turning all his insides into rotting black sludge. It oozed out of him whenever he made mistakes, whenever he ached, whenever he thought of  _ Her _ . 

“Tyler,” Josh said, reaching out to him. Josh’s hand closed over Tyler’s upper arm and it felt like shock of sunshine injected into him. It broke through the pain and fear. “Come inside, lets go to my room.” Josh said. Tyler nodded, desperately wanting to just be alone with Josh. To keep injecting Josh’s sunshine, he wanted more of that touch that filled him with light. 

“O-okay.” Tyler said. He could barely think straight, barely keep himself upright as Josh held the door open for him and he walked into the warmth of the familiar house. He could hear Abby and Ashley in the other room, he could hear the sound of dishes being done and Jordan playing video games. It was all a comfort but what he needed most was Josh, alone. Josh who had his hand on Tyler’s back, guiding him upstairs to his bedroom. All Tyler could think about was it was lucky he had gotten to Josh when he did, it was lucky that Josh was home, that he was willing to even see Tyler. What would have happened if Tyler couldn’t have reached Josh and he continued to feel like this? To spiral? Would he be dead on the side of the road right now? Josh got them into his bedroom and shut the door before he turned to Tyler and threw his arms around him, bringing his best friend into his chest. 

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.” He said. “I should have been better. I should have treated you better, I’m sorry.” Josh said, his breath hitching. Tyler wondered if Josh could sense Tyler’s pain, could sense how bad it was, how much he needed him. Tyler didn’t say anything. Josh didn’t need to be sorry but he was and Tyler couldn’t bring himself to say anything. He buried his face in Josh’s shoulder and stayed there, breathing in his warmth, his care, his gentleness, his smell. It lit something in him. Things he had only ever felt for Josh. Well, Josh and Mrs. Galloway. As Josh hugged him, things began to feel more manageable, not better, but suddenly his support was enough to make it so he could breathe, so he could think. He pulled back from Josh, just enough to look at him. Tyler’s breathing was suddenly even and full, like he could actually get oxygen to his brain. Their bodies were still pressed together, to Tyler it felt like they would never be able to fully rip away from each other. They were fusing together. Josh’s sunshine and warmth fixing the rotting inside of him and stoking the fire in his chest.

Tyler wasn’t sure what that fire was, if it was the will to live, the will to work through the pain and to beat back the freezing, ball of anxiety. Or if maybe it was just feelings for Josh. Feelings he had never acted on before with anyone. Not since he had been thirteen and abused. Josh was looking at him, his expression was strange, it was worry and longing and something else. They had stared at each other for too long now, they couldn’t go back and now Josh’s breath kept catching in his throat. Tyler could hear it getting harder. Oh God, he could feel something in the space between them, he could feel the pull and tension. That night in his dorm room kept floating back to him. The feeling was tangible. Oh God, it was right there so close. Josh was leaning in towards him, Tyler’s heart started palpitating, reminding him how alive he was. Reminding him what it felt like to really feel, to really want, need, ache but in his way, not in anyone else’s way. Not in anyone else’s idea of who he was. Not as a little boy. Like gravity, ever present, unchanging and undeniable, their lips were drawn together and they kissed again. To Tyler it was a relief and an exaltation of the life he had left to live and how it was so worth it. To Josh, it was what he had longed for, what he had sought in other places. 

Their lips clung together as Tyler reached up and cupped Josh’s cheeks, holding Josh into him. Josh wrapped his arms around Tyler’s neck and pulled himself up into him. This was their last kiss amplified by a million. This was every kiss Josh had ever had amplified by a million because it was Tyler. His mouth opened and Tyler lead the way, pressing his tongue into Josh’s mouth. They pulled back only briefly to stumble their way to Josh’s bed. 

“No one’s going to come in, right?” Tyler asked as they sank down. 

“No, they’ll knock anyway.” He explained. Josh leaned in again and pressed his lips to Tyler’s. Tyler kissed him back, still rejoicing in the feeling, in the fact that Josh was here, with him, kissing him, wanting him. The flame in Tyler’s gut was responding to the touch, growing hotter with each movement. Melting the fear away, melting the sexuality that had been petrified in his gut ever since he was a young teenager. Josh leaned so far into Tyler that he laid back on the bed. Tyler reached out and grabbed at Josh’s side, dragging him down with him. Josh leaned over Tyler, kissing him as Tyler’s hands roamed over Josh’s body.

“Is this…this okay, Ty?” Josh breathed into his kiss.

“Y-Yeah. I’m good.” Tyler muttered into Josh’s worrying lips. Josh dove back in, kissing him with a renewed vigor. Tyler was nervous that he didn’t know how to kiss him, but he started to follow Josh’s lead, Josh knew how to kiss. He knew how to move his tongue, how to flick it into his mouth, how to suck his bottom lip. Tyler reached between them and cupped Josh’s cheeks his thumbs running along Josh’s cheekbones. He wanted to feel more of his skin. Josh pulled back only to kiss Tyler’s cheek, his chin, his jaw…and then his neck. A shiver ran up and down Tyler’s spine, but not out of cold, in fact he was feeling hot with that fire roaring in his stomach, it had burned away all the black anxiety, all the sludge that his insides had turned to. Josh’s lips were soft, gentle but insistent as they kissed and sucked on Tyler’s neck, leaving him a hickey as a prize. 

“Oh god,” Tyler gasped, instinctively pressing his hips forward, finding himself wanting, really wanting for the first time in a long time. There had been times he had masturbated, there had been times he had fantasized about Josh, but this was different, he was faced with it, it was right here and he was still turned on. He was still focused on the person in front of him, not some woman who had stolen so much from him. “Josh,” He breathed as Josh continued to kiss at his neck and shoulder. “Oh…Josh…I’m so…so turned on.” He breathed and it came out sounding choked, he could almost cry at the admission. He had thought he’d never be able to be with someone like this but…but maybe Josh could be the person who changed it. 

Josh chuckled, “Me too,” He said, his eyes met Tyler and Tyler watched them soften a little as he saw what saying that meant to Tyler. “Oh…” he said.

Tyler swallowed and blinked before giving Josh a nervous smile, “I…I actually want it, I want it so much.” He groaned, pressing his hips up towards Josh again. Josh pressed his lips to Tyler’s, 

“Good,” he said. 

“Yeah?” Tyler asked, sounding a little unsure but desperate for it to be good. 

“Yeah, it’s good.” Josh’s hand ran up and down Tyler’s stomach, moving lower with each stroke. His fingers stroked the exposed skin between his pants and his t-shirt as his hand got lower and lower. “Is this okay, Ty?” He asked as his fingers tickled along the skin by the button of Tyler’s pants. Tyler looked up at Josh and nodded. 

“Do more,” Tyler said, his voice a little stronger than before, he couldn’t believe how well it was going. He was scared that he’d freak out the next second but for now, everything felt right in the world. Josh pressed his lips into Tyler’s and Tyler leaned into him. Tyler’s mouth opened and his tongue found Josh’s and ran along it, tasting him and letting everything about Josh, the feeling of him, his smell, his taste, the way his hand felt against the sensitive skin on his belly fill his brain. Josh’s fingers fiddled with the button on Tyler’s pants, it took him a moment to get it open but when he did Tyler was already pressing his hips up towards Josh’s hand. 

“Tyler, can I touch you?” Josh breathed, “I wanna feel how hard you are but I want you to want it as much as me.” He spoke against Tyler’s lips. Tyler’s breathing was ragged with want for it and he felt like he might die if Josh didn’t touch him in the next second. 

“Yes, yes, yes! Just do it, Jish.” He said, his voice bordering on irritated as Josh ran his fingers over the waistband of Tyler’s underwear. “Josh!” Tyler groaned. “Touch me.” he said, his voice cracking a little. Josh pressed his hand into Tyler’s boxers and paused for just a moment before wrapping his hand around Tyler’s cock. Tyler rocked his hips forward into Josh’s hand, his mind going blank. “Fuck!” He breathed. 

“Language, Joseph.” Josh scolded lightly. 

“Shut up,” Tyler gasped, and Josh ran his fingers over his cock. 

“Relax, Ty…” He said. “Is this okay? Does it feel good?” Josh asked. Tyler nodded weakly, his head pressed back into Josh’s pillows. Tyler let his eyes shut, his breathing was hard, and each time Josh moved his hand it sent another spasm of pleasure through his body. There were no thoughts of  _ Her _ , there wasn’t anything but the way that Josh touched him and that it was Josh and that his voice kept asking softly if everything was okay. Everything was okay right now. Tyler opened his eyes and looked up at Josh, “Let me…I want to touch you.” He said, his heart hammering in his chest at the words. Josh swallowed and opened his mouth, looking like he was about to protest, 

“I want to!” Tyler insisted. “Please let me.” He mumbled, trying to sit up. 

“Okay, but I’m not stopping.” Josh said, looking down at his hand still inside Tyler’s boxers, rubbing him up and down. 

“I wouldn’t want you to.” Tyler said. Josh reached down and tugged Tyler’s underwear and pants down enough for his cock to fall out. 

Josh took him in, looking at his best friend in front of him, his hard dick laying against his taut stomach, Josh’s mouth went dry as he stared at him. His own cock gave a twinge so he refocused and tugged at his belt, pulling it open, undoing the button. Tyler tried to help but his hand was shaking and it became a nuisance. Soon Josh had managed to get his pants down and he lay back against the bed next to Tyler and his hand found Tyler’s cock again. Tyler let out another groan and tentatively at first reached over and wrapped his fingers around Josh’s cock. Tyler lifted his head up to look at their bodies, their arms crossed over each other’s to grab at each other’s dicks, he could almost laugh but it felt and looked so good that his mind went blank before he could. 

“Ohh my god,” Josh moaned, he reached up with his free hand and he covered his own mouth so he didn’t make too much noise. 

“Ohhhh, more Josh….” Tyler moaned, he was so worked up, he kept pressing his hips up towards Josh’s hand. Josh’s hand sped up which made Tyler grip him harder. Tyler felt like jello, he felt like he was melting into the bed. He turned his head to watch Josh. He was so perfect. His brow furrowed and his hand had dropped from covering his mouth so Tyler could watch as his mouth opened. He noticed his tongue run along his bottom lip. 

“Tyler...yes…feels so good,” Josh moaned and Tyler watched him say it, watched the way his mouth moved and how his eyes didn’t open. He was so caught up in the pleasure. Josh’s thumb swept along the tip of Tyler’s cock, catching some precum and smearing it down over his head. Tyler throbbed in Josh’s hand, he was so close, he needed just a little more. 

“Yes…yes…keep going just…keep going.” Tyler moaned, pressing his hips up and making sure to rub Josh’s cock, squeezing each time he reached the head. Tyler watched as Josh bit down on his lip, his brow furrowed. He let go of Josh’s cock and Josh turned his head immediately towards Tyler, staring at him,

“Wha--” But Josh’s question was cut off when Tyler brought his hand up to his lips and licked his palm, getting it wet and then dropping it back to Josh’s cock. With his hand slicked and their eyes on each other, Josh’s moans renewed, he tried to keep them quiet but he was failing. 

“I’m going to fucking cum,” Josh moaned, surprising Tyler. He thought that he’d be the first one to go first. Tyler nodded, 

“If you do, I will.” He moaned. Josh barely had a second to take that in because he moaned and pressed his hips forward,

“Oh…oh God, I’m cumming! Tyler. Christ.” Tyler’s hand tightened as Josh’s cock twitched and cum spilled over Tyler’s hand and up onto Josh’s stomach. Josh’s hand was relentless on Tyler, even while he came. His thumb kept stroking over the tip and his hand stroked in long even motions. 

Tyler lost his voice as he came, he couldn’t speak. His mouth opened and his stomach contracted, making him nearly sit up as he came. He couldn’t believe how good and untainted his pleasure was. It coursed through him like a million fireworks going off underneath his skin. The sunlight Josh had put into his skin with each touch burst in his stomach. His hard breathing turned to laughter as he came down. Josh reached over with his clean hand and cupped Tyler’s face turning his head to look at him. He leaned in and kissed him and Tyler rolled over, not caring about the mess on their hands or stomachs and rolled on top of him, burying his head into Josh’s shoulder. 

*

Tyler didn’t want to go back to school. He tried to tell himself it would be okay but he knew it wasn’t true. School felt like drowning in an icy lake. School was far away from Josh, it was full of all the worry and fear. He had to though. He didn’t have a choice. It was the plan. School. Basketball. He had music on the side but that needed to stay on the side. School. Basketball. His parents would be disappointed in him if he didn’t go back. He would be a failure. Stick to the plan: School. Basketball. He had to go. So he went back. He struggled through school work, final papers, tests and basketball. He hid in his room, he panicked with each new grade he got. He called Josh every night and asked for reassurance. Josh had stopped talking about Claire to him which he appreciated, they openly said they missed each other, Josh even going so far as to saying he was thinking about kissing him. Tyler longed for those conversations every single time that he was alone and struggling. Every time he had a bad day he just thought about how he only had a few weeks left. Three weeks. He could do three weeks. He had already done nearly three months. He could do three more weeks. Then it was home for a month. A month. Only a month of peace and then what? Back here? Back to this nightmare? Away from the only person that eased the pain, that made him feel good things? How could he do that for another three years? He had to. That was how. He had to. That was the plan. The plan. That was what he was supposed to do. He had to stick to the plan. Even if it killed him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed! I can't wait to get the next one up.  
if you're on tumblr you can find me at: dunshiine.tumblr.com


	4. December

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> December rolls in, Tyler turns Nineteen and things at school continue to deteriorate. Tyler longs for home and longs for Josh. Eventually he finds what he's been looking for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is it. FINALLY. Almost a year since I started this and finally I've finished it.   
I'm so sorry, this was not the timeline I was going for but its finally done. I really hope you enjoyed it!

“I’m coming up for your birthday, Ty. I’m not going to miss it.” Josh said into the phone, Tyler was sitting on his bed trying to do his chemistry homework. He had been trying to work on it for a long time now, every time he told himself to focus his mind would wander to Josh, making it impossible to keep his concentration and then Josh had called and Tyler had all but given up on getting any work done. He threw his highlighter down against his open book and groaned,

“You don’t need to get off of work for this, Josh. My parents are coming to take me to dinner...you don’t have to come.” Tyler said, letting his head fall into his hands before pushing his hair away from his face. 

“I’ll come too. It’ll be fun. I want to see you on your birthday…” The way he said it made Tyler’s heart squeeze. He wanted Josh to be there too. He knew he’d be sad if he didn’t get to see Josh on his birthday. The past week back at school things seemed to continue to spiral, but Josh was there now, back to being a constant reassurance, actually more than he had been before. 

Tyler bit back the smile that tugged at the corners of his mouth, but he couldn’t stop it or the glowing feeling inside him. “Okay.” He agreed. “I can’t wait to see you.” He admitted after a moment of silence.

“Jeez, Joseph, it’s been less than a week.” Josh teased

“Yeah well...it feels like centuries.” Tyler couldn’t even tease him back. There was a sigh from the other end of the phone,

“It does. I gotta get to work but I’ll call you tonight, alright?”

“Yeah, s’fine, gotta get to basketball anyway.” Tyler said, abandoning his textbook and scooting towards the ladder awkwardly, making the whole bed wiggle. 

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” Tyler added as he stepped onto the ladder and then hopped to the ground. They hung up and Tyler tried not to think too long about how Josh was going to work, where his  _ girlfriend _ worked, where he had fucked his boss regularly. He tried to shake off the thoughts while he got his bag ready and changed to get to basketball. They had never discussed what they were, they weren’t really  _ dating _ , Tyler had no claim to Josh no matter how much he felt like he did. Even if he didn’t technically have a claim to Josh, Tyler felt like Josh wouldn’t  _ do _ anything with anyone else and that comforted him. 

When Tyler got to practice, all thoughts of Claire and whoever the dude who managed the records store was were washed from his brain as their head coach looked over at him,

“Joseph, come to my office a minute.” He called. Coach Dan Keller was tall and broad, usually with a good natured look about him, but today his whole face looked cloudy. Tyler dropped his bag by the bench at the edge of the court and followed him through the gym and towards the side door that led into the athletics offices. His stomach felt like he had swallowed a bunch of rocks, panic prickled in the back of his neck and part of him wanted to turn and run. When they got to his office, Dan sat down and Tyler sank down across from him.

“What’s up, coach?” Tyler asked, deciding to play like he had no idea what was happening. Dan looked up, Tyler could feel his coach’s eyes on him, he kept his own eyes averted, staring at his lap. 

“Well Tyler...you’ve missed at least one practice a week since the third or fourth week of school.” He said. Tyler swallowed, he knew what was coming but he didn’t know how to respond, he fiddled with his fingers in his lap. His heart beat was so fast he could hear it pounding in his ears. There was pain all over his body, frozen shocks of panic from that black pit inside of him. “I’ve given you too many chances to change and start working because you’re really gifted on the court. You really could have done something with it.” He continued. Tyler felt like cotton was being shoved into his ears, deafening him. Dan’s voice seemed to come to him as if from very far away. “I thought if I benched you for a while you’d get the picture and step up but you haven’t. You don’t act like a member of a team. Do you even want to be here?” 

“Yes I do.” Tyler said, his voice cracked and he made sure to stare away from the man in front of him, not wanting him to see that he was close to tears. What kind of eighteen year old man cried like this? Especially in front of other people. 

“You haven’t shown anyone that, Tyler. I’m tired of sending emails, or telling you to shape up, none of it seems to be working for you.” Coach Keller’s voice sounded genuinely sad and it added to every terrible feeling Tyler was having. Tyler swallowed, reaching up and rubbing at his eyes, trying to stave off their itchy watering. 

“I’m sorry,” Tyler managed. “Its-I...I don’t have an excuse.” He said. 

“Are you doing alright, son?” The question sent a spasm through Tyler. Even Coach Keller had picked up on what was going on with him? Heat flooded Tyler’s cheeks, he didn’t know if it was a shame or embarrassment or some toxic cocktail of the two. 

“Y-Yeah, I’m okay.” he said, his throat tight. 

“You know I have to cut you from the team. We’re heading into our season and things are only going to keep picking up from here on out. I can’t keep you on the team. I’m sorry.” When Dan finished speaking, the silence stretched on. Tyler still couldn’t look at him. He picked at his cuticle and tried desperately to force back the tears that continued to threaten. His lower lip trembled, his face was on fire but his insides were freezing over. After a long time Tyler cleared his throat, 

“I’m...I’m on a sports scholarship…?” He managed, it almost sounded like a question.

“I’m really sorry, Tyler.” Coach Keller said. “Administration will be in touch, I’m sure.” He held his hand out to Tyler. Tyler stared at it, he wished he could be angry but it just wasn’t there. He took Coach Keller’s offered hand and forced himself to meet the man’s eyes. “Get help, Tyler.” Dan added as they shook hands. Tyler’s hands felt numb, it was like he couldn’t even feel Coach Keller’s hand in his own. 

Tyler pulled his hand away and left the room. He hated that he hadn’t brought his bag into the office. He had to go into the gym filled with his teammates to get his bag and the thought made him want to throw up. He forced himself through the door before he had any more time to think about it. Eyes followed him to the bench where he grabbed his bag. They could all guess what was happening, it was obvious. Shame burned through his face, onto his neck and ears as he turned to the door and walked towards it. It felt like the longest walk of his life. 

Out in the fresh air, Tyler took deep shuddering breaths, sucking in the cold air, as if he was trying to shock the shame out of him. He moved as quickly as he could away from the gym, pulling his phone out of his pocket as he walked. He knew he’d start sobbing if he heard Josh’s voice so he texted him instead,

**Tyler: I was just kicked off the basketball team. I’m going to lose my scholarship.**

Josh replied before Tyler had made it back to his dorm room.

**Jish: Are you okay? Can I call you? **

Tyler had just started typing out his response, telling Josh not to call when his phone started to buzz in his hand. He had just reached his dorm, it was fairly quiet in the halls, he might not have picked up otherwise but he answered the phone in a shaking voice,

“Hello?” 

“Hey, Ty...you’re not still at the gym are you?” Josh asked. 

“N-No.” Tyler managed. 

“I’m so sorry, Tyler.” Josh said quietly, his voice heavy. Just hearing him speak made Tyler feel like he wanted to let go. He wanted to sob, scream and throw a full on tantrum. He just kept walking towards his room, his hand clutching his phone so tightly it felt like his fingers would cramp up. 

“What do I do, Josh?” He asked, his heart hammering in his chest, his voice barely able to come out around the lump in his throat. He got to his door and shoved his key in before pushing it open, stepping inside and leaning back against the closed door, taking deep, ragged breaths. 

“It’ll get figured out. You can take out loans for next semester and maybe there’s a way you can be put back on the team next year. I’ll help you figure it out. It’s going to be okay.” Josh said, and as reassuring as his voice sounded, the idea of next semester sent shivers through his body and made him seize up with fear. Even worse was  _ next year _ . Tyler didn’t want a  _ next year. _ Tyler didn’t even want a  _ next semester. _ He barely wanted life at all. Just as that thought crossed his head, Josh said his name again and it brought him spiraling back to reality,

“Tyler, no matter what, this isn’t the end of the world. It’s okay.” He said. 

“Thanks.” Tyler said softly, reaching up to rub at his eyes. Quiet followed his sentence and there were a million things he wanted to fill the silence with. A million things he could say to Josh to express just what the boy on the other end of the phone meant to him. He settled for what felt the most all encompassing, “I miss you, Jish.” He whispered, his voice cracking around the words. 

“I miss you too, but I’ll see you tomorrow.” He added, reminding Tyler that he’d be faced with his parents the next evening and he’d either have to lie, or tell them he’d been kicked off the team. 

“Yeah…” Tyler’s voice was heavy and defeated. 

“We’ll avoid the B-word.” Josh said. Tyler tried to force himself to smile but it was tight and painful. He’d be happy to avoid the b-word for the rest of his life. 

*

Josh had showed up late morning the next day, bringing Tyler a Redbull and a box of Reese’s Puffs. They sat on Tyler’s Bed, eating the dry cereal and talking, happy that Preston had left for basketball practice already, leaving them alone in the dorm. They stayed in the dorm all day, light snow was falling outside and it was too warm and cozy to want to leave. Tyler wanted to be even closer with Josh, he wanted to taste him but the idea of getting walked in on, especially by Preston stopped him from moving to do it. So Tyler shot a quick text to Preston to see if he was coming back. Tyler’s body itched to be nearer Josh’s warmth, the boy next to him smelled so good it felt like it was dragging him closer. The idea of them being interrupted by Preston sent a spike of anxiety and revulsion through him. The idea of someone who was so tied to the darkness of school, interrupting his tiny golden world with Josh made him so upset he silently prayed Preston wasn’t coming back for a long time. His phone buzzed in his hand and he glanced at it, Preston had left to spend the weekend with his girlfriend already. Tyler actually let out a sign of relief. With that reassurance, Tyler leaned in and kissed Josh. He was immediately relieved, desperate. The way he kissed Josh, his mouth open immediately, his tongue pressing into Josh’s mouth. Josh reacted almost instantly, grabbing Tyler by the back of the head and dragging him into his own body, his lips pressed against Tylers. Tyler sucked in a breath through his nose, he felt so much better when Josh was around and even better still when they kissed like this. Each touch of Josh’s hand soothed his worrying mind, each time Josh’s lips connected with him, the usually ever-present ache in Tyler’s chest subsided and all there was, was Josh. Everything was that bursting warmth and sunlight that Josh seemed to inject into his life. Tyler was all moonlight and Josh was a rim of golden sun spilling forth over the dark landscape, heralding the dawn. Tyler longed for the sun so he bathed in it now, his lips pressed into Josh’s leaning over the box of cereal to get to him. 

Josh held Tyler by the back of his head, kissing him and squeezing his hair. Josh’s mouth opened, languidly letting his tongue push out into Tyler’s mouth. Tyler followed his lead, rolling straight over the cereal box now and moving on top of Josh. Josh’s hand descended from the back of Tylers head to his lower back, holding him there, in place. 

“How come this is the only thing that makes me feel normal?” Tyler asked quietly into Josh’s lips. 

Josh let out a sigh and pressed his forehead against Tyler’s, “I don’t know. Maybe because this was how it was always supposed to be.” He said. Tyler opened his eyes to search Josh’s for any sense of irony, any joke but he couldn’t find it so he pressed his lips to Josh’s, desperate to feel him, to be sure he was there and real. As he did, he felt his phone start buzzing incessantly with a phone call. 

*

Tyler’s parents had turned up early and they had walked around campus, it had stopped snowing and turned into an unseasonably nice evening and then gone to dinner. It had been strange to go out to dinner with his parents and Josh. They had done it countless times before but for some reason this had felt...different to Tyler. Maybe it was the knowledge of what Josh was to him now, maybe it was keeping it a secret from his parents, maybe it was Josh’s hand firmly on Tyler’s knee under the table. Maybe it was the way he kept losing focus when he looked over at Josh, or how Tyler in turn crept his hand up Josh’s thigh underneath the table. He wondered if his parents picked up on it. If they did, they didn’t mention it. No one really talked about basketball either which was unusual. Usually Chris couldn’t wait to talk basketball with Tyler and his mom wasn’t much better either. Tyler was terrified that they somehow knew already and were waiting to say something until Josh wasn’t around. He didn’t know  _ how _ they would know but he spent all of dinner worried that they’d figure it out just by looking at him. But Josh always managed to steer the conversation as far away from basketball as he could and Tyler didn’t think he’d be able to thank him enough for that.

After his birthday Tyler was faced with finals. There was nothing but three tests and a paper that stood between him and the sweet relief of the end of the semester. It was so close he could practically feel the relief. It made it easier to get through each day. He finished the paper on Monday, earlier than he expected, he just wanted to get it submitted and forget it. He had a test on Tuesday morning, a test on Tuesday afternoon and then a test on Thursday evening. Josh was coming down to help him bring his stuff home on Friday and he was back to counting the hours until Josh would be there again. Tuesday rolled around and Tyler made sure to pack his books and computer in his backpack, he didn’t have time to come all the way back to the dorm between the tests so he’d hang out at a coffee shop and study. He desperately needed to study for his afternoon test, it was his Statistics class and he was almost positive he was going to fail it even he didn’t get his shit together. 

After his morning final, Spanish, he wandered through the gray, half snowing, half sleeting weather to the coffee shop where it seemed like everyone went to study. Luckily there was a table in the corner free, he claimed it with his bag before going up and getting a hot chocolate. When he returned to the table, he spread out all his work to look over his sparse notes he had taken in Stats. Before he settled in he texted Josh,

**Tyler: I got through Spanish, might be able to scrape a pass in that one. Stats next. I’m about to fail this test.**

**Jish: Study, Tyler. **

**Tyler: I’m TRYING.**

**Jish: You’re texting me.**

**Tyler: I’m looking for moral support, dude.**

**Jish: 70 hours, Ty. Just 70 more hours. **

**Jish: Now go study.**

Tyler stared at the text, 70 hours. 9 AM on Friday and Josh would be with him and he’d be done. He went back to his books and tried to focus on statistics, but all that the studying did was make his anxiety swell. He realized how much he didn’t know, how behind he had been. He kept having to go back further and further his book to understand concepts. His test was at 12:30, he had started studying at 11:00 and by the time he had to start getting up to leave he felt like he had barely made a dent, and his hot chocolate had gone undrunk. He put everything except his notebook and study guide into his backpack, grabbed his drink and hurried for the door, wanting to get to the lecture hall early to keep studying until the very last second. He wasn’t watching where he was going and as he turned out of the coffee shop he ran right into someone turning into it, 

“Shit!” Tyler said, stumbling backwards and nearly falling. His notebook dropped to the ground and his hot chocolate spilled everywhere. “Sorry, sorry.” He was saying but then the person spoke and it felt like instead of having to gather his things up, he was having to keep his very being from falling away, off of the earth. It was like gravity had stopped working, like there was a rip in the space time continuum and he was both twelve year old Tyler and nineteen year old Tyler at the same time.

“Tyler?” The voice asked.  _ Her _ voice. “Oh my goodness! Tyler!” She laughed this time and Tyler’s eyes focused on her for the first time. “It’s so good to see you!” Heather Galloway looked almost exactly as she had six years before, Tyler felt like he was hallucinating. His hands were shaking, his heart pounding so hard he was sure it was about to rip out of his chest. 

“ _ Mrs. Galloway, _ ” Tyler gasped, staring at her. She was really there. Right in front of him. At his school. Two feet away from him.  _ This can’t be happening, this isn’t happening.  _ Tyler’s mind wouldn’t stop moving, everything came rushing back to him. Everything that had happened, things he had thought were good, things he had known were bad, and suddenly, things he hadn’t remembered before.  _ Tyler, you’re so handsome. _ Hands on him, touching his chest, his waistband, his shorts. His underwear.  _ Tyler, it’s okay to feel like that, I promise.  _ The gentle hand on his shoulder, guiding him closer.  _ You’re such a big boy.  _ Gripping his wrist, too hard, tugging him along. Nails pinching into his skin.  _ Tyler! It’s not difficult! Don’t you want me to be happy!? Not now. Not now. I don’t want it. I’m too tired. No, Heather. Please. No! Mrs. Galloway.  _ Her hand raked down his body, fingers digging in. Frustrated. Tired. Aching, burning, sad. Anxiety filling him, skewering him through his chest from the inside. Sobbing.  _ Mom, I’m sorry I did something wrong. Mrs. Galloway and I... _ Crying, Mommy crying, Maddy crying cause Mommy was crying.  _ Mrs. Galloway- Oh, Tyler...please call me Heather when we’re alone.  _

“Oh jeez, Tyler, you  _ know _ you can call me Heather.” Her voice brought him crashing back to reality, snow was falling around him, he was cold and nineteen. Nineteen. Not twelve. Not thirteen. Not perpetually trapped in that space. She was there, really there and talking to him. “How have you been?” She asked, smiling at him as if...as if she had never done anything wrong, as if she was just someone he had known. As if she hadn’t spent the last six years in jail because of what she had done to him. Something switched inside of him as he stared at her. Despite the panic rising inside of him like stomach bile, despite all the work he had done to get better he found himself wanting desperately to appease her. The disgusting, filthy part of him that wanted to see that secret smile she had always saved just for him reared its ugly head. He found himself speaking before he could stop himself, before he could divert the train of his thoughts barreling into the station that contained all the memories of Heather Galloway that he had worked so hard to put there.

“Fine,” He said, his voice sounded...different. Young, plaintive, naive. He was twelve. Thirteen maybe. Swimming in a pool that wasn’t his, a woman watching him like he was some kind of candy. He had always recognized that look and she was looking at him like that right now. It still felt like he was underwater, it felt like he had never resurfaced. “I’m...I’m fine, Heather.” His voice lilted over her name, in a sweet, almost trickling noise that reminded him again of himself as a little boy. No, he  _ was _ a little boy. Thirteen. No. NO. He was nineteen. Nineteen. Josh. Where was Josh? He couldn’t stay here, prickling heat and fear crept over his neck, sinking into his jacket. Everything was hot except the snow, snow? No. Pool water. Heat from her bed. From her body. No. Snow. Trickling down his neck. His brain snapped back to focused on her, she was still just staring at him, smiling, watching him revert to his twelve or thirteen year old self, she lapped it up, her eyes eagerly seeking out every drop of the little boy he had once been. Was he too old for her now? Too big for her? Would that upset him if it were true? He was digusting. A disgusting, horrible little boy-no, man. He was still disgusting. Worthless. Why did he want her? Why was his brian programmed like this? Nausea swept over him. No. He wasn’t programmed like this, he was horrified and spiraling, he couldn’t breath

“I’m sure it’s surprising to see me,” She said, and there was a strange edge in her voice, something manic, something unsettling about how she stepped towards him. Had she known he was here? How could she? But equally, how did she know where he went to school? It was on facebook. But how had she known what coffee shop to be at? How would she know?

“Yes.” Tyler managed, he was being too polite, he was scared to yell at her, scared to make a scene, scared to hurt her feelings. Scared to disappoint her. “W-why are you here?” He asked lamely, his voice still strange to him.

“Oh,” It was her turn to fumble and blush, she didn’t know what to say. Her eyes darted around and then she smiled at him. There it was, that secret little smile she had always given just him. It had always made him melt, now it twisted his insides. Tyler felt like he might vomit on the spot. “There are some inexpensive apartments around here, so I thought I’d check them out.” She said, but it didn’t ring true. No apartments on campus were inexpensive. Oh god, she wanted to live her, so close to him. His heart thrummed, drumming fast in excitement...no, fear. Tyler shook his head, staring down at nothing, taking a tiny, shuffling step away from her. Heather reached out to him and gripped his upper arm, her thumb rubbing there, “Tyler, you look so good.” She said. 

That was enough. Her touch not only burned him and made his throat constrict with panic, it spurred his body into fight or flight. He shoved her hand away from him and stepped back. He nearly tripped over his own feet as he turned and ran. Forgetting his test, forgetting everything about traffic laws or anything besides needing to get away from there, he fled. Crossing streets, nearly getting hit by cars, he ran as fast as he could across campus. Was she following him? No, she’d never run after him. Why had he run from her? Why hadn’t he yelled, screamed at her for ruining his life?  _ Because,  _ thought the cruel voice inside of his head,  _ you’re a coward and you still want to please her.  _

“No, no, no, no…” he sobbed, shaking his head as he ran. The campus whizzed by his vision, he barely could see where he was going but his feet remembered how to get him back to his dorm. The ground was covered with the gross, sleeting snow, there was snow melting in his hair and cold sweat mixing with it as it ran down his neck. He slipped a few times, once his feet slipped out from underneath him and he went down hard on the sidewalk, slush coating the side of his jacket and his pants.The people around him gasped and someone asked if he was okay but he ignored them, struggling to his feet before breaking back into the sprint he had been in before. It was never going to go away. Any of it. It was always going to be there, in his brain, the memories would feed the blackness inside of him. The ball of anxiety, hatred, repulsion. No matter how much he fought it, how good he was feeling, there would always be the memories of it, ready to resurface at any time and feed the black ball of anxiety, ready to give it what it needed to grow, resurface and destroy him. Those horrible things, the guilt, the fear, the anxiety, rage, rancid, rottingness would choke him forever, wrap themselves around everything in his life and throttle it. Goodness wasn’t possible for him. _She_ would always be waiting around the corner, _her_ and his failings, waiting there to stamp on the goodness in his life. Ready to remind him of all the disgusting things he had ever thought or felt. He would never be fully better because she would always be somewhere in the world and a tiny part of him would _always_ want to please her. 

He could feel himself turning to moonlight, to darkness and the sunlight that had been Josh that had been making his strips of moonlight brighter, who had been shining into the darkest corners of his being couldn’t tackle this. He just couldn’t. Tyler had managed to get to his dorm and he slammed his door shut and sank down against it. Options swirled in and out of his head, mixing with his hysterics. He was shaking, his breathing ragged and coming out as desperate whines. What could he do? Razor blade to the wrist? Pills? What was easiest? Closest? Quickest? Josh couldn’t do anything to fix him-but he owed something to him. Warning or something. Or maybe he was looking for a reason not to.Tyler pulled his phone out and called Josh, he answered on the third ring,

“Tyler? Aren’t you supposed to be taking a test-” His voice was cut off by Tyler’s sobs at the sound of his voice. “Tyler? What’s going on?” 

“I-I saw her, Josh. I saw her...she was-oh God! She  _ spoke _ to me.” Tyler sobbed into the phone.

“What?!” Josh asked. 

“She was....here, she knew me, she knew where I was. Oh god, Josh. I can’t do this. I can’t.” Tyler was rocking back and forth on the floor, his breathing was strangled and his words were barely understandable. 

“Tyler, I’m coming, okay? I’m coming right now.” He said.

“Noooo,” Tyler moaned into the phone, “Please-I can’t...It’s not worth it. I’m never going to be okay, everytime I think I’m going to be okay, I’ll remember something. She’ll come back, I’ll fail at something.” Tyler choked. “I want it to be over, Josh. It’s never going to be better!” Tyler leaned over, pressing his head to his knees. “I can’t do this, Josh. I can’t! I can’t!” 

*

Josh was panicking, he couldn’t move fast enough. Every step, every motion seemed sluggish, slow. He wanted to be there instantaneously. 

“Tyler, for the love of God, don’t do anything.” Josh said. “Please!” he added, his voice straining with desperation. He listened to Tyler sob on the other end of the phone as he rushed out of his house, not bothering to tell anyone. He got into his car, and pulled out of the driveway. “Tyler, talk to me.” he begged. 

“What’s the point, Josh? Everything is always going to be bad for me, wrong for me. I ruin everything I touch. The band. School. Basketball. I’ve disappointed every single person. Even Mrs. Galloway.” The sound of her name sent a spasm of rage through Josh. Especially the  _ way _ Tyler said it, he sounded young, naive...he sounded twelve. Or like all those times where something had triggered him and he had suddenly been young again.The rage that coursed through Josh was so strong it scared him. 

“FUCK Mrs. Galloway, Tyler! What she did to you doesn’t get to end your fucking life! It doesn’t! I’m coming. Do I need to call the police? I’ll call them if I need to, Tyler.” he asked. Tyler was quiet but Josh could hear him sniffling, crying close to the phone. Josh sped to the freeway, praying he didn’t get pulled over, praying he could make it there without getting in an accident. “Tyler? Are you there?” Josh asked again as he merged onto the freeway. “I’m on the freeway, I’ll be there so soon, Ty. So, so soon, buddy. Stay on the phone.” 

“I’m here, Josh.” Tyler said, he sounded fucking empty. Panic eclipsed everything else, maybe he should have called the police. Maybe he was doing something wrong, maybe he needed more help. 

“What are you doing? Talk to me.” 

“Sitting.” Tyler managed.

“Have you done something?” Josh asked, they both knew what  _ something _ might have been. 

“No.” Tyler said, Josh wasn’t sure if he believed him, he pressed his foot down on the gas, going nearly 80 in a 55. 

“10 Minutes, Tyler. I’m so close.” He said. There was a long stretch of relative quiet on the phone, Josh could hear Tyler taking ragged breaths, letting out whimpers and cries. Every two minutes he would ask for him to tell him that he was there, or he’d ask if he needed to call the police. Tyler would grunt out a no and beg him not to hang up to which Josh would reply,

“As long as you’re safe, I’ll stay with you. I won’t let you go.” The drive was going remarkably fast but it still felt like too long to be away from Tyler while he was feeling like this. He hated it. Why couldn’t he live on campus with him? Josh needed to be around to make him feel better, to help him, and to be there in case this happened. Tyler let out an extra loud choked sob and started to speak almost incoherently, 

“I can’t do this, Josh. I don’t want to be here anymore, please don’t come...go home.” Tyler said, but he sounded quiet, unconvincing now. Josh smacked the steering wheel hard, 

“Go home!? Like fuck I would go home right now! Are you kidding me!?” He shouted. “You listen to me, Tyler.” Josh growled, sounding angrier than he had ever sounded before. His usually gentle voice was replaced with a desperate rasp. “You think that no one needs you? You think that you get to be selfish and take yourself away from me? No. That’s not fucking happening. You weren’t the only one counting the hours and minutes and fucking seconds until we were together. I’ve been desperate for you and now that-” Josh’s voice broke as he swerved to pull off onto Tyler’s exit. Josh had to swallow a few times to regain his voice, “Now that we’ve...now that we have each other the way we were always supposed to, I’m not letting some fucking rapist piece of shit who should be in jail make you question your existence. I’ve needed you as much or more than you’ve needed me from the very beginning and you don’t get to take that away from me. You don’t get to take away my future,  _ our  _ future. I won’t let you.” Josh could hear Tyler sobbing on the other end of the phone, sobbing was okay, he could take sobbing. It would be silence that would destroy him. Josh hated how long everything was seeming to take, each pause at a stop sign, every time he slowed down behind another car made him want to scream.

All the lights were in their favor, turning green as he pulled up to them. Josh turned onto the street in front of Tyler’s dorm and parked in the tiny lot before jumping out of the car. 

“I’m here.” Josh said. Josh was just starting to wonder how he was going to get in through the locked front doors without Tyler letting him in when he saw the door start to open. He threw himself out of the car and ran up to the door just as a girl was about to let the door shut but she caught it and pulled it open for him. “Thanks,” He breathed hurriedly before taking the few steps into the dorm three at a time and hurtling through the lobby. Josh turned left just past the lobby and ran up Tyler’s hallway to his room. Once he reached the familiar door he skidded to a stop and slammed his palms hard against it, 

“Open up, Ty. Now. I’m not playing games, I’ll shoulder the door down and then where would we be?” Josh said desperately. Another girl walking down the hall shot him a weird look but Josh ignored it, nothing mattered but getting to the boy he was in love with. The door clicked open and Josh launched himself at Tyler, wrapping his arms around him and pulling his best friend into his chest. He couldn’t restrain himself, as Tyler pressed his face into the side of his neck and cried, Josh let out a choked sob, tears streaming out of his eyes, he pulled back briefly, holding Tyler at arms length to make sure there was nothing physically wrong. No cuts, no signs that he had done something. No, he was okay, whole and unharmed. Josh tugged Tyler back into him and pressed his nose and lips into the side of Tyler’s head, inhaling on his hair. 

“I fucking love you. I love you so God damn much. You can’t do anything to hurt yourself. You can’t.” Josh said, his voice shaking. “I love you. Tyler, I love you.” He pulled away and grabbed the sides of Tyler’s head holding him there, making Tyler look at him. “Do you get it yet? Do you understand?” He asked, desperate to get it through Tyler’s head. 

Tyler looked like he was shell shocked, he was still crying but he reached up and put his hand over Josh’s on the side of his face. “I love you too. I’ve never heard you swear this much,” he half laughed, half sobbed. 

“Shows how much I care, dipshit!” Josh said, giving him a shake. Tyler turned his face in towards Josh’s hand, closing his eyes and letting himself rest there for a moment. It looked to Josh like Tyler was letting himself breathe for the first time since he had seen her. When he opened his eyes again they were rimmed in red and looking up at Josh,

“I need help, Jish.” He said. 

“I know.” Josh said. “I know, we’re going to figure it out, I promise. You’ll get help. First, I’m taking you home.” Josh looked around the dorm room, nothing was really packed but there were two bins out as if they were ready to be filled. The whole dorm room didn’t have to be packed up since it was technically just the end of the semester but he was sure Tyler wanted most of his stuff home. “You, sit.” Josh instructed, making Tyler sit down at his desk while he worked on packing the dorm room. Blanket, pillows, sheets, clothes, books, ukulele, speakers, everything started getting packed into the bins. Tyler stared blankly ahead while Josh worked, it didn’t take too long and Josh took a trip out to the car with the first bin so Tyler wouldn’t have to carry one and then he went back for Tyler and the second one. 

“What about my tests?” Tyler asked softly as he pulled his backpack on.

“Don’t think about it now, Ty.” Josh said. “If you feel like you have to take your next one, I’ll drive you back.” He said. 

They left the dorm room, down the hallway that Josh hated at this point and out into the parking lot. He went right to the car to put the bin in the back and Tyler ambled after him, accidentally stepping into a puddle of icy snowy slush. 

“Tyler!” A voice called out to them from a few yards away by a bench near the dorm. Josh looked around from the trunk of the car, a woman, a horribly familiar woman was walking toward Tyler. She was carrying a notebook. Tyler was staring at her, his hands immediately moved up from the straps of his backpack to his face, covering his eyes.

“No, no, no, no!” He started to say, Josh hurriedly set the bin down and crossed towards his best friend,

“Tyler, it’s okay!” Heather reached out towards him again but Josh stepped in front of him. “When we met before, you left your notebook...it had you dorm in it so I came to-”

“Tyler, you can get in the car...its unlocked.” Josh said, looking back to him. Tyler was shaking but he moved the instant Josh spoke, turning to go to the car.

“Tyler!” She called after him, stepping towards the car. “Honey, we have so much to catch up on…” She called as Tyler fumbled with the car door, trying desperately to get in. Josh could see Tyler’s face crumpling in pain.

“Stay the fuck away from him.” Josh said, his voice was low but dangerous. The fury he had felt before when he was on his way to Tyler spiked suddenly and he wanted to hit her but he stopped himself, thinking of Tyler alone in the car now. He reached out and snatched the notebook out of her hands. “You ruined enough of his life. You’re not going to have any more of it.” 

“J-Josh?” Heather asked, her eyes moving over his face.

“Stay. Away.” Josh warned, turning from her and going to the car. He got in and started to pull out of the parking spot, Tyler was sitting low in his seat, his face buried in his hands. Josh was thankful for that because as they pulled away she just kept walking after them, waving. 

*

When Josh took Tyler home, he sobbed out everything about his school year to his parents while Josh sat nearby, providing bits of information. His mother cried over the pain he had been in, his father didn’t even mention any amount of disappointment about basketball. When Tyler told the story of going to health services and how he lied to them when they asked the serious questions Kelly shook her head,

“Oh Tyler, why didn’t you tell the truth? We could have been helping so much more…” 

“I think he was scared.” Josh pointed out. The story ended with running into Heather on campus. At that, immediate declarations were made about restraining orders. Josh told Tyler’s parents about seeing her in the parking lot at the dorm because Tyler couldn’t force it out. By the end, Tyler was begging not to go back to school, he sounded like he would break down completely if they didn’t tell him yes. Of course, Chris and Kelly agreed to letting Tyler leave school. They apologized over and over again, telling him that they should have known, that they should have checked in more often, or come to see him. Kelly could barely look at him, Tyler felt like it was because she was disappointed in him but she kept saying how guilty she felt, how it was her fault. Tyler wanted to hide from their apologies, he didn’t feel like he deserved it. He felt like he had caused them more pain because he told them. He didn’t feel like he  _ could  _ accept the apologies even if he felt like they didn’t need to give them. He just didn’t feel capable. But the pressure that had been weighing on him since September, the pressures of school that had reignited all of his worst insecurities and fears was finally lifting. They understood. They weren’t going to make him go back. They, at least, weren’t telling him they were disappointed in him. They didn’t think less of him. That was enough to guide him through the day until he could sleep for as long as he needed to put that horrible day as far behind him as he could. 

The days following were a blur, restraining order filed, therapist contacted, deciding if Tyler really did need in-patient therapy. It was decided in the end that taking him away from home would be more detrimental so home he stayed, with therapy every other day for the time being. Every moment of time that wasn’t at therapy was spent with Josh, whether they were baking Christmas cookies with Maddy, or sledding with their brothers. Tyler felt dramatically better to be away from school but it wasn’t a cure all. Nights were still terrible, tossing, turning, and he occasionally caught moments of his dad hiding his disappointment about basketball, which sent him spiraling again. None of their family knew about him and Josh, and  _ they _ didn’t even know what to call it. Josh was still technically dating Claire, but he rarely saw her. Tyler didn’t want to bring it up for fear of ruining something that felt so much like his life-line. As things got closer and closer to the holidays they both got busier with family things, and they couldn’t be around each other as much or, if they were together they were constantly with other people. There wasn’t time to just be them, it felt better being away from Josh while at home but it still hurt. It scared him too, scared him that suddenly Josh would realize he liked it better without Tyler around, or that he really did want to be with Claire. 

Josh helped hold Tyler together, even in the times they were apart during the holidays they made plans, they wrote music and they figured out their next steps. Tyler had been counting the days until Christmas Eve, it would mark the beginning of the end of all the family-only events, Josh could be over more often. It meant seeing Josh at church for Christmas Eve, Tyler couldn’t wait for Christmas Eve service, it was always good but this time, it meant getting to sit next to Josh and seeing his smiling face. That was, until Josh told him he had to work the night of Christmas Eve. He had to close which meant he would be missing service. Tyler tried to act like it was okay, like he didn’t mind, like they would catch up and spend time together the next day after their individual family gatherings but it was hard to pretend that. He had wanted nothing more than to spend every single second with Josh,  _ his  _ Josh. It didn’t matter to him that they hadn’t talked about what they were, it didn’t matter that Josh was still  _ technically  _ dating Claire. He didn’t care. What mattered was that the world felt most safe when Joshua was with him. It mattered that Josh could inject sunshine into Tyler’s darkness, Josh’s hand in his could burn happiness into him. So Tyler didn’t want to be away from him anymore, it didn’t feel worth it. When it came time to leave for church Tyler looked at his mom,

“How disappointed are you going to be if I decide not to go?” he asked.

“What?” Kelly asked, stopping on her way towards the door. “You were so excited!” She added.

“Yeah...but Josh is working and probably all alone at the record store and I...I don’t know, I thought I might go visit him…” He said. Kelly met his eye for a moment and for an instant Tyler wondered if she understood, if she knew something that he hadn’t admitted yet. The instant vanished and Tyler let the thought go.

“No one is disappointed in you, Ty. About anything. Go see Josh, just...try to be home so we can open a couple presents before bed.” She added. Tyler knew not having him at Christmas service probably felt like a big deal to his mom so he was grateful. He had done so much to ruin their plans for him recently and yet, here she was, not disappointed in him. He again wondered if that flicker of understanding behind her eyes was genuine. Did she know about him and Josh? Maybe she had always guessed. No. There hadn’t been anything until recently. He put it out of his mind and left for the record store. 

Fifteen minutes later, the bell in the record store tinkled and Josh looked up from where he was sitting behind the counter reading a drumming magazine. Josh was in jeans and a long sleeved t-shirt, simple and casual. Tyler hadn’t bothered to change out of his church clothes, dress pants, button up and suit jacket. They looked strikingly different.

“Tyler?” Josh asked as Tyler walked in.

“Hey,” Tyler smiled.

“Didn’t you like  _ really _ want to go to church?” Josh asked, dropping the magazine on the counter. Tyler looked away from him and shrugged, 

“Not more than I wanted to see you.” He said. Josh grinned and Tyler walked over, he picked up the magazine to look at it briefly before dropping it back down on the counter.“Been busy?” he asked.

“No, you’re literally the first person to come in all night.” Josh said. Tyler nodded. It was quiet for a moment between them, not uncomfortable, just like neither of them were sure what they wanted to talk about. Josh broke the silence, 

“I broke up with Claire….officially.” 

“Wait...what?” Tyler asked.

“We had barely been talking, I hadn’t been seeing her...and I...well wasn’t that interested in her ever honestly. So I broke up with her. It’s been a long time coming.” He said.

“I’ll say.” Tyler said, but his lips twitched into a smile. Josh looked up at him and watched the smile spread over his face. 

“Tyler,” Josh said, Tyler looked across the counter at him, still smiling, reveling in the happiness he felt. It had been so rare over the last few months that it felt like rays of sunshine could burst out out of him and it was because Josh had ended things with a girlfriend. “You remember when I told you that I was hooking up with my manager, Travis?”Josh asked. Tyler groaned,

“Oh no, you’re dating him now aren’t you?” He asked dramatically, pushing away from the counter, but a mischievous grin flitted across his face. Josh leaned over and grabbed at his arm to keep him close, 

“No! No...I just...gotta admit this,” he said. 

“What?” Tyler asked a little more seriously, turning back to look at Josh. 

“When we would hook up...I...called him Tyler and would kind of....pretend he was you.” Josh’s eyes darted over Tyler’s face, not settling in one place. A silence fell over them and Tyler just looked at him. Josh shifted nervously, obviously hating the silence he opened his mouth to try to defend himself but then Tyler was laughing. He leaned over the counter, grabbing at Josh’s arm that was resting there for support. 

“And he just let you!?” He asked through cackles of laughter. Josh groaned and covered his face with his hand. 

“He suggested it!” He said, as if that made it better but it only made Tyler howl harder with laugher. 

“Oh my god, how pathetic…”

“hey!” 

“No, no! Not of you, of  _ him.”  _ Tyler shook his head, “Like...he wanted to fuck you so badly that he was willing to pretend to be someone else, ohhhh man!” He shook his head and Josh reached out and flicked him in the head. Tyler kept laughing as Josh pulled his arm away and marched around out from behind the counter and went over to the front door, locking it. Tyler was still laughing as Josh went to the neon sign ‘open’ sign and flipped it off. It was only when Josh flicked off a few of the overhead lights that Tyler looked up,

“What are you doing?” he hiccuped. Josh shot him a look,

“I’m closing early.” He said. 

“Why? Won’t Travis-I mean, fake Tyler, be mad at you?” Tyler asked with another giggle. Josh rolled his eyes. 

“I mean, I don’t really care anymore since real Tyler is my boyfriend.” Josh said, looking across the now dim store to where Tyler was still standing at the counter his head turned to look at him. Tyler turned all the way to face him now and and his brow furrowed, Josh had the keys to the store held in one hand and as he looked at him, he shifted nervously, changing hands. Tyler could feel the heat on his cheeks descending onto his neck and chest. 

“B-boyfriend?” Tyler asked. Josh swallowed and nodded, 

“Yeah...unless you have a better word for it?” Josh asked, his voice anxious and his hands still fiddling with the keys. 

Time seemed to stretch out, fold open and Tyler could see it like a map unrolled on a table. Josh as a big eyed thirteen year old asking to play Nintendo later to make things normal for him as Tyler hid in a bathroom, Josh spending so much time watching Tyler struggle, unable to do anything but being there regardless. Josh in the summer, freckled, hair wet, swimming in the river. Josh at prom with a girl he knew Josh didn’t care about, jealousy spiking hot in Tyler, unrecognized by him for so long. Misinterpreted as anger. Josh, drunk on the rooftop of a frat party asking if he was okay. Josh, rushing to his dorm room to make sure he was okay. The phone calls. Constant text messages. The promises of the band, of friendship, of being there for him. Josh was more than a boyfriend, he was all the brilliant rays of sunshine in his life. The combatant of the dark mass inside of him. He burned at the center of Tyler’s universe and all else revolved around him. Josh would always be so much more than a boyfriend to him. Tyler wasn’t sure he could ever be to Josh what he had been to Tyler, but he  _ could _ be a boyfriend. It was the very least he could be, and he had to try to be more. 

“Boyfriend is a good starting point,” he paused and surprise seemed to flash across Josh’s face before Tyler continued, “...as long as we can go make out in the backroom?” Josh returned the mischievous grin Tyler shot him. 

Josh crossed the room and grabbed Tyler’s hand, tugging him around the back of the counter and through the door into the back room where Josh had hooked up with Travis on numerous occasions. As soon as they were back there Josh pushed Tyler’s shoulders back into the wall and kissed him. It had been too long since they had kissed last and they both felt desperate to kiss again. Tyler reached out and cupped Josh’s cheek, kissing him back, his mouth opening. Whenever they managed to be alone like this, things seemed to move in a distinct rhythm. Moments of slowness, drawn out, hanging in the space between them, like this kiss. Tongues touching languidly, lips clinging together, the taste of saliva mixing with the scent that always clung to the air in the back room of dusty vinyls. Then things seemed to speed and skip, like someone had hit fast forward on the moment. Like when Tyler stepped forward into Josh, and reached down to the hem of his shirt, ripping it up and over his head. Tyler barely had a moment to appreciate his body, to run his fingers across the muscles in his chest, over his hard nipples before Josh grabbed his suit jacket and shoving it off of his shoulders, and then moving his hands to the buttons of his shirt tugging it open. Everything blended together in a haze of sliding out of clothing, but trying to stay connected at the lips. Things slowed again when Josh grabbed Tyler by the back of the head and pulled him close, their lips close together, their labored breathing in sync. Josh licked Tyler’s bottom lip, and then into his mouth again, pressing their lips all the way together once again. Tyler’s mind was blank except for Josh, he filled every part of his usually running mind. There was no space for running anymore. No space for anything but his boyfriend and that was just the way Tyler wanted it right now. His face was flushed with excitement and his cock was hard in his pants. 

“Tyler-” Josh said quietly, his lips moving to speak into the skin of his jaw. 

“Josh,” Tyler said back, just wanting to taste his name, to let Josh’s name fill his mouth. 

“I want you,” Josh’s lips moved across Tyler’s jaw, down his neck, fluttering kisses under his ear. Tyler shivered and nodded, he wanted Josh. Wanting was reserved for Josh. Tyler nodded as Josh came back up from his neck and reached out and cupped Tyler’s face, looking into his eyes.

“I want you too.” Tyler said. They looked directly into each other’s eyes and Josh studied Tyler, taking in where he was at, measuring what would be good for him here. 

“Are you okay...do you want-”

“I want you, Josh. I want to fuck you.” Tyler said, smirking and looking from Josh’s eyes down to his lips. “If...is that...is that what you want?” He asked, worried that maybe this was an all together different situation, a situation he would have to prepare for a little better but a situation that was not completely off the table. Josh grinned,

“Yes...oh fuck, Tyler that is really... _ really  _ what I want.” Josh said. Tyler grinned to himself and suddenly someone hit fast forward again and they were hurriedly back to stripping clothes. First, Tyler’s hands on Josh’s belt, undoing it. The sound of the metal and the slide of the leather sent shivers through him. It was so wonderfully  _ different.  _ Tyler ripped at the buttons on Josh’s jeans and forced them down around his ankles. Josh’s tight boxer briefs were tugged down a little with the pants and Tyler was sick of waiting. That time in Josh’s bedroom seemed like so long ago and it was the last time they had gotten to do anything besides kiss. Tyler tugged his boxer’s down, Josh’s cock was just as hard as Tyler’s, throbbing and pink with need. Tyler reached out and wrapped his fingers around it, slowly stroking his cock and up and down, it felt so good to touch him again. Josh moaned, a filthy and wonderful sound. Low and deep from within his chest. Tyler didn’t get to linger over touching Josh’s cock this time though because Josh was focused on getting Tyler’s pants down next. 

“You’re turn, now.” Josh breathed as he worked at Tyler’s pants. Once they were open Josh didn’t bother with pulling the underwear down separately from the pants, he pushed them all down at once. At the same time, he lowered himself to his knees. Tyler almost came on the spot, because the second he could he kissed the head of his cock.

“This okay?” Josh breathed into the side of Tyler’s cock. In answer, Tyler grabbed at Josh’s hair and nodded,

“Mhm!” He gasped. Josh opened his mouth and his tongue swirled around the tip of Tyler’s hard cock, licking up a drip of precum and then taking the head of his dick into his mouth and sucking it. Tyler’s fingers tightened in Josh’s hair. “Oh my god,” he whined, squeezing. Nothing was tugging at the edges of his mind, threatening to plunge him into a different time. He was just nineteen years old, happy to be getting a blowjob from his boyfriend in the backroom of the record shop he worked at. Josh licked along the length of his cock and took it deeper into his throat, bobbing up and down on it while Tyler stared down at him. 

“Shit...oh fuck, Jish! You gotta stop...I’m going to c-cum if you don’t. Stop!” he tugged Josh’s head off of him and Josh grinned up at him before standing up. Tyler reached out to take Josh’s cock in his hand but his fingers had barely grazed it before Josh batted his hand away. 

“Not yet,” he said. “Fuck me first,” he said. Tyler swallowed, trying to wet his dry throat and nodded. Josh turned to the couch that was only like a step away and leaned over the back of it. Tyler’s attempts to moisten his throat were completely futile because his mouth went back to completely dry as he stared at Josh like that. 

“Fuck.” Tyler breathed.

“Yeah, that is what you’re supposed to be doing to me.” Josh said. Tyler grinned and awkwardly moved behind his boyfriend, his pants still around his knees. He reached out and ran his fingers from Josh’’s lower back, down his asscheek and towards his thigh. 

“How-Do I just-” Tyler asked, glancing down at Josh, who pushed himself up on his elbows and glanced back at him, grinning in a way that made Tyler’s cock pulse and somehow become harder than it already was. 

“You do exactly what you think you do.” Josh teased lightly. Tyler took a deep breath, and then reached up and licked his palm before wrapping his hand around his already slightly wet cock and stroked it a couple times, that and the sight of Josh splayed out like this spurred his lust forward. He started to press his cock against Josh’s ass, his heart thudded in his chest,

“I’m not hurting you, right?” He asked nervously.

“No. I’ve done this a few times, Tyler.” Josh breathed, his voice sounded strained, needy. 

“Oh, right.” Tyler said. He pressed himself forward, watching his cock disappear inside of Josh. It felt so good. Deliciously good, inescapably good. 

“Oh…fuck!” Tyler moaned, he wasn’t going to be able to last for long. Josh was so tight, and warm and his body felt so good underneath him. Not to mention he had already been on the edge because of the blowjob. Josh let out a shuddering breath and pressed himself back, taking more of Tyler’s cock. “Oh my god!” Tyler squeaked as Josh fucked himself back on him. 

“Is it good, Ty?” Josh asked, his voice shaky too.

“Yes! Oh...Jish…” He reached out and grabbed Josh’s hips, tugging him back and started to rock back and forth. Josh’s head fell forward as Tyler fucked into him, slow and long thrusts. Tyler dragged his cock back out of him, almost all the way. Josh, turned his head back to look at Tyler behind him, 

“Oh fuck, keep going, Tyler!” Josh told him.Tyler pushed his hips forward again, harder this time, watching his cock get buried deep into Josh’s tight ass, stretching to take him. One of Tyler’s hands slid from Josh’s hip and around him to grab his cock, squeezing and stroking him. Josh choked on a gasp and nodded vigorously. Tyler couldn’t think straight anymore, he could barely think enough to keep his hand locked around Josh’s cock and his hips moving. Josh was rocking into him, taking his cock and moaning for more. Tyler was so close already but he wished he wasn’t. He wanted to keep going forever. 

“Josh-oh god, I’m going to cum...I’m sorry-” he moaned and leaned over Josh’s back to kiss the skin there. 

“s’okay, yes! Keep going.” Josh groaned in response. Tyler shoved his hips forward, his cock spasmed inside of Josh as he came. Tyler fell forward, his forehead pressed into Josh’s back, his breathing hard and his hand still wrapped around Josh’s cock. 

“Fuck, Tyler,” Josh groaned. Tyler pulled out of Josh and stepped back before immediately falling to his knees. Josh turned around and grabbed his cock in his fist, pumping his hand and down. 

“Jish...let me suck your cock...please,” Tyler gasped. No matter how much Tyler might have wanted to, there wasn’t time, Josh was already nearly there. The sound of Tyler’s voice, the way he looked on his knees in front of him, in combination with how good it had felt to have Tyler inside of him and touching his cock was enough to push him over the edge. The orgasmed rolled through him, ropes of cum fell over Tyler’s upturned face. It seemed to surprise him because he flinched but then started grinning, sticking his tongue out. Josh laughed and how strangely carefree Tyler looked. 

“I’ll let you suck my dick another time, Ty.” Josh said once he recovered.

“How very generous of you.” Tyler said, smiling. 

  
  


New Years Eve 

One Minute Until Midnight

The club was full of people, lots were family and friends they had invited themselves...but some were people they didn’t know, some people must have seen their fliers and decided to come just because they were interested. Tyler was sweaty, exhausted, his body aching and yet he couldn’t stop smiling. Maybe it was the adrenaline from playing his first show with Josh, maybe it was because he couldn’t believe he was here, or maybe it was because everything else faded out around him. Everything shrunk down into a pinpoint of light ahead of him and it was easy to see his purpose. None of his past mattered, none of the troubles. The black ball of anxiety that grew and shrank in his chest would always be there, it would always be inside of him but now he felt like he could give it a voice. He could name it. Which meant he could overcome it. Josh had burned sunlight into his being, that lit the darkest corners of his mind and gave him the power to do that. Now here they were, on the edge of everything that could and would become. It was ahead of him like that pinpoint of light he could see as he stood on the stage, it was just waiting for him to take it. 

The crowd cheered and clapped as the song finished and he grinned to himself, unsure of what to do or how to thank them. Josh came around from behind his drums and stood next to him. 

“Thank you so much! We’re Twenty One Pilots from Columbus, Ohio! We wouldn’t be up here if it wasn’t for you people being interested in giving us a chance,” he said into the microphone. “We appreciate it. So uh...oh! We’re at twenty seconds until midnight guys!” He looked around and then someone started chanting the countdown. Tyler looked over at Josh as he came up next to him and smiled. 

Ten…

Tyler felt Josh wrap his arm around him.

Nine…

Everyone was screaming from in the crowd, he could see his parents and Josh’s parents in the back. 

Eight… 

Their siblings standing together too. It was like a big party. 

Seven…

Tyler’s face hurt from smiling. 

Six…

_ She _ was as far from his mind as he could be.

Five…

Josh was so solid underneath him, he could hear him counting down.

Four…

He wanted to kiss his boyfriend. 

Three…

In front of everyone

Two…

For New Years

One!

Tyler turned into Josh and caught his lips in a big kiss. Josh was surprised but kissed him back the second he knew what was happening. 

The New Year rolled in while Tyler was lost in a prolonged kiss on a stage where they had just played as the final and best version of Twenty One Pilots. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you SO much for reading it.   
I'm really pleased with the ending and I hope everyone else is. If you're here reading in June 2020, thanks for sticking with it.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you all some much for the support! I really hope you enjoyed Fall Away .  
You can always find me at: dunshiine.tumblr.com


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